Tag Archives: Yellowjacket

What If One Of Matt Murdock’s Girlfriends Didn’t Get Murdered? Also: The Much Anticipated Death of Yellowjacket! Because Fuck That Guy!

We begin our first story with Matt Murdock (AKA Daredevil) doing what he does best: moping in the rain. In this case, it’s because his long lost one true love (this week) and also hired murderer Elektra is dead. Matt’s approached by a giant bald guy with an umbrella and, while we know it’s just the Watcher being subtle for the first time ever, I’d be careful. The last thing a grief stricken Matt Murdock wants to see is a giant bald white guy. He’s had trouble with those before.

I swear to God, it's not the Kingpin.
I swear to God, it’s not the Kingpin.

Uatu, spotting Matt’s obvious grief, does what any of us would do. Specifically, tell the mourner a story about an alternate reality where his girlfriend is alive. Nice! Thanks, buddy! The Watcher gives Matt and us a quick catch-up, reminding Matt of a time not so long ago when his ex-girlfriend tried to have his best friend killed. Which is a bi-annual occurrence for Daredevil.

Elektra has Matt’s friend, Foggy Nelson kidnapped. She’s about to execute him on behalf of the Kingpin when Foggy recognizes her. “Aren’t you Elektra Natchios? Matt’s old girlfriend? Wow, you always said you were going to grow up to be a ninja hitwoman but we never believed you. Because that’s insane.”

"I knew I shouldn't have taken the cab with the beautiful lady in spandex!"
“I knew I shouldn’t have taken the cab with the beautiful lady in spandex!”

Elektra takes pity on Foggy and lets him go. Knowing she’s betrayed the Kingpin, she goes into hiding. And here’s where the timeline jumps off track. You see, in this reality, Elektra’s eventual murderer Bullseye has been killed a couple of months earlier in a prison break. As he’s no longer alive (The Kingpin has a strict “Do Not Hire Dead People” rule. Which is weird in the Marvel Universe where literally half the people have been dead.), Kingpin is forced to hire some cheap discount hoods to revenge kill Elektra. Kingpin completely forgets about killing Foggy, which is frankly ridiculous.

Never let anyone convince you that smoking doesn't look cool.
Never let anyone convince you that smoking doesn’t look cool.

The hired goons track down Elektra and there’s a pretty goddamn sweet Frank Miller drawn fight scene for our enjoyment. Elektra kills a bunch of guys, apparently gets stabbed in the ass and eventually escapes, returning to Matt Murdock’s brownstone.

Kidding aside, this artwork is fucking poetry.
Kidding aside, this artwork is fucking poetry.

Meanwhile Foggy, terrified that he’s going to be murdered tracks down Matt and begs him for help. Matt calms his friend down and then leaves him alone. I hope Kingpin sent Matt a memo about the whole “Hey, I don’t want to kill Foggy any more” thing because otherwise leaving your friend alone to be murdered by mob guys is a pretty dick move.

"I'm sure you'll be fine, Foggy. You're in reasonably good shape, right?"
“I’m sure you’ll be fine, Foggy. You’re in reasonably good shape, right?”

Matt returns home to find Elektra bleeding on his couch. He’s about to take her to jail when Elektra tells him that she’ll just be murdered in prison instead. So instead, without another word, they both fuck off to some gorgeous beach somewhere, leaving poor Foggy to wonder whatever happened to his best friend and partner. Of course, he doesn’t need to worry for very long before the Kingpin remembers he’s going to have Foggy killed and has him executed. Probably by a shirtless dude holding a length of chain.

"You ever think about your old friend, Foggy Nelson?" "Who-gy what what?"
“You ever think about your old friend, Foggy Nelson?” “Who-gy what what?”

Next up, we have a tale of the Avengers. The current line-up is Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Tigra, Wasp and Hank Pym dressed as Yellowjacket. For those playing along at home, Yellowjacket is Pym at his shittiest, wife beatiest best. In fact, as the story begins, Hank is screaming at the Wasp (AKA Janet Van Dyne-Pym) for being… y’know, better than him. At everything.

And then there's THIS asshole...
And then there’s THIS asshole…

Suddenly, the Avengers are called to fight an invading alien called Elfquest I mean Elfqueen. Elfqueen. Jan stays behind, still shaken by her piece of shit husband. During the fight, Yellowjacket’s laser wrist thingy disconnects, further embarrassing him. Unfortunately, it reconnects as Elfqueen is finally surrendering. Cap notices, calling for Yellowjacket to stop but it’s too late. He blasts Elfqueen in the back, and in retaliation, she drops a fucking truck on him. While in our universe, Jan arrives just in time to save Hank, here she spends a few minutes thinking about what an asshole he is and is too late to save him from smooshing.

SPLAT!
SPLAT!

After the funeral, the Avengers report that Yellowjacket was killed when he attacked Elfqueen after she surrendered. Jan freaks out, convinced he died a hero. She goes before reporters (in her new costume, complete with Dracula collar) and tells him Hank died a hero.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I called this meeting in Transylvania..."
“I’m sure you’re wondering why I called this meeting in Transylvania…”

Next Avengers meeting, the group tries to comfort Jan while telling her that going against the team was NOT COOL. Unfortunately, she wants Cap to change his report on what happened, saying that Hank died in the line of duty. Cap refuses to lie because he’s Captain Goddamn America and Jan storms out.

Well, nothing too worrying in that little tirade.
Well, nothing too worrying in that little tirade.

Looking for revenge, Jan calls one of her many butlers (This story features three.) to drive her to the shittiest part of town. She wanders around in her finest jewels for about six seconds before some traditional 80s New York Street Punks attack her. And then she fucking wrecks them. “Tell them your asses were kicked by the Black Wasp!” she says, tossing away a cigarette as explosions go off behind her.

whatif3511
The hell kind of name is Monckley?

Reports start appearing in the Daily Bugle of the vigilante Black Wasp and her war on crime. The Avengers figure out who the Black Wasp is pretty quickly because they aren’t completely stupid. (Well, Thor probably is.) They get into another awkward argument but then they’re called to save a building from burning down, thank God.

"Could this beautiful woman actually be Spider-Man? An editorial by J Jonah Jameson."
“Could this beautiful woman actually be Spider-Man? An editorial by J Jonah Jameson.”

Everything’s going fine until a big chunk of wall collapses, almost hitting Cap. Janet spots it tumbling but decides to do nothing. Unfortunately for her, but fortunately for friends of democracy, Tigra notices and saves Cap at the  last minute. With this one act of heroism among many, many other acts of heroism today, Jan realizes that she’s actually a terrible person. She quits the team to go be a sad sack elsewhere. Relieved that he no longer has to fire her, Cap gets to looking for a replacement who won’t leave him to die.