Tag Archives: Wolverine

What If The All-Old All-The Same X-Men Stuck Around?

So we open our story with the X-Men’s attack on Krakoa, the Island That Is Like A Land! However, unlike in the classic Giant Sized X-Men Number One, the original X-People (That’s Cyclops, Beast, Angel, Iceman, Marvel Girl, Havok and Polaris, true believers!) are actually able to defeat a stupid fucking island. Nice job, guys. Unfortunately, that new line-up was all that was preventing you guys from getting cancelled so… see you around. The End!

"There will be absolutely no fun on this mission, Iceman!" -Cyclops, always probably.
“There will be absolutely no fun on this mission, Iceman!” -Cyclops, always probably.

Okay, maybe not. So the classic X-Men reunite for more exciting adventures. Eventually. First they fight Count Nefaria and his Ani-Men and those guys are 100 percent pure garbage. The X-Men make such short work of those losers, it doesn’t even take a panel. Then they go on to fight Erik the Red and his two sidekicks, Nightcrawler and Proudstar (which I realize is Thunderbird’s actual last name but makes him sound like a She-Ra character.). Luckily for the X-Men, they are on a serious roll lately and they kick additional ass, arresting Erik and James. Nightcrawler escapes because that is what he is good at and also swears revenge for some reason.

"--It shall be completely unexpected and at the end of the book!"
“–Probably at the end of the book!”

The X-Men unmask Erik who is revealed to be some dude from the Shi’ar Empire who is messing with them pre-Phoenix Saga. After some discussion, the X-Men decide that local law enforcement is probably too busy to deal with… you know, an alien criminal so they have Erik illegally detained with Moira Mactaggart on Muir Island. Apparently, they’ve been keeping a lot of X-criminals there including Baby Magneto. This is probably a good time to remind everyone that Magento was a baby for a while. And not in the way we were all babies for a while. Like… again.

Nobody ever tells you how much fun being Erik the Red is. It's why Cyclops has been so depressed since then.
Nobody ever tells you how much fun being Erik the Red is. It’s why Cyclops has been so depressed since then.

While they’re sticking Erik in the mutant version of Guantanamo Bay, the X-Men get a phonecall from the Beast. Apparently, he and Professor X are being attacked by Sentinals. Again. Once again, the X-Men kick ass off panel and eventually end up in space. Somehow. They have to somehow land their spaceship but it’s flooding with radiation and only Jean can use her telepathic powers to pilot the ship and save the day at the cost of her own life. Until Polaris reminds everybody that she has magentic powers and everyone should shut up and stop trying to sacrifice themselves, you bunch of noble idiots.

Polaris instantly becomes my favourite character.
Polaris instantly becomes my favourite character.

Having safely returned to Earth, the X-Men are home about six seconds (Long enough for Beast to rejoin the team. Good to have you back, Hank.) before Lilandra of the Shi’ar brings them back into fucking space for more adventure. Now they have to protect the M’Krann crystal from Emperor D’Ken before he can bring about the universal apocalypse. Which is a bad thing. Probably.

The X-Men team up with the Starjammers briefly (Just long enough for Cyclops to glance at Corsair and think “Man, that guy sure looks like if my dad was a space pirate…”) and are then absorbed into the M’Krann crystal where Jean’s psychic rapport with the team keeps them from being hypnotized or whatever. Cyclops uses his eye beams to keep the crystal from cracking and everyone goes home pleased over a job well done. Good work, X-Men. Way to survive the experience!

Fingers crossed for Polaris and this robot fellow hanging out.
Fingers crossed for Polaris and this robot fellow hanging out.

Back on Earth (yet again), the X-Men do some more stuff the All-New X-Men did in an original X-Men manner. They battle Mesmero, Warhawk and the awesomely named Moses Magnum in Japan. They meet Canada’s terrible Alpha Flight and Cyclops is inspired by a short Canadian guy who smokes too much hitting on the daughter of a Japanese crime boss to ask Jean Grey to marry him. She almost agrees before she’s overcome by some Deanna Troi style psychic pain. She believes she is marrying some 18th century creep. Unlike in the real reality, where Jean quietly goes insane, the couple go to Professor X who tells them that Jean is being psychically manipulated. Well, we should probably check that out right away. Or alternately meet up with Kitty Pryde and Dazzler. Who do not appear in this comic but DO lead the X-Men to the Hellfire Club.

"Wolverine's so cool. I bet we'd be really good friends if he joined the team."
“Wolverine’s so cool. I bet we’d be really good friends if he joined the team.”

 

The X-Men enter the club through Angel’s membership and encounter Mastermind, whom Jean recognizes from her crazy person dream. The X-Men prepare for a final legendary showdown when… they’re kidnapped back into fucking space by Lilandra. You couldn’t have waited five minutes, Lil? Mastermind SUCKS.

Lilandra’s basically swung by as a courtesy.

“Hey,” she says. “You know your sun?”

“Yes?” answers Cyclops who does.

“Well, it turns out that the ancient chaos bringer Phoenix lives in there and it’s preparing to return and destroy the universe. So we’re just gonna put a pin in that and blow your sun up. That’s cool, right.”

“Um.” says Cyclops.

‘“Don’t worry, we’ll happily move your population to another planet.”

I feel like "Waaaaaaaaaiit a minute" should never come before "Are you going to blow up our sun." You lose your credibility.
I feel like “Waaaaaaaaaiit a minute” should never come before “Are you going to blow up our sun.” You lose your credibility.

Luckily for anyone who enjoys living on Earth, Cyclops is able to convince Lilandra to give him twenty-four hours to save the planet. After some research, Cyke discovers that the Phoenix can use a person as a host to stop it from rampaging. Which will also kill the host. Realizing that he’s almost gotten to the point of having a pretty good life and eager to put a stop to that, Cyclops volunteers.

Cyclop's idea of chaos bringing is staying up until 10:00pm on New Years with a box of wine and a cone shaped party hat.
Cyclop’s idea of chaos bringing is staying up until 10:00pm on New Years with a box of wine and a cone shaped party hat.

Unfortunately he never gets the chance because fucking Nightcrawler appears out of nowhere on this FUCKING SPACESHIP and bonks Scott on the head before stealing his shuttle and heading out to meet the Phoenix instead. He sends a quick phone call to the X-Men to say “Sorry about fighting you at the begining of the issue. I’ve been spying on you for months and realized you’re actually good people so I’m going to sacrifice myself in your place.” As the fuzzy german hero burns in the infinite fires of eternity, Scott gazes on and thinks “What a nice guy. He’d have been great on this team.”

Here is a man who knows he will never be in "The Draco."
Here is a man who knows he will never be in “The Draco.”

What If Wolverine Became An Agent of SHIELD Despite His Baby Eating Past?

We open the issue with our quite possibly most 90s cover yet!

All he's missing is  a girl with her boobs and ass facing the reader at the same time, some chromium foil and an appearance by Ghost Rider!
All he’s missing is a girl with her boobs and ass facing the reader at the same time, some chromium foil and an appearance by Ghost Rider!

Let’s see here. Wolverine? Check. A Marvel character smoking? Check. A giant impractical gun? Check. An unnessesary number of belts? Check! (I count six depending on your definition of belt!) All drawn by Rob Liefeld? Check check check. Jesus, look at this thing. It’s gorgeous.

Our story this week opens the way many Wolverine stories open. Actually, the way one Wolverine story opens. Specifically his first appearence in Hulk 181. You can tell by the giant double page spread of Wolvie and a suspiciously Macfarlene looking Hulk fighting it out while the Wendigo watches and waves his hand like the third ninja down the line in a fight movie. Side note: Look how much Wolverine is spitting! That’s disgusting. Get yourself a tissue, Logan. Jeez!

Your action heroes just the way you like them! Covered in phlegm.
Your action heroes just the way you like them! Covered in phlegm.

Anyway, Wolverine defeats the Hulk when who should arrive but Nick Fury! Agent of SHIELD* appears to offer him a job.

“No thanks, bub!” Logan replies in a hideous close-up of his gross wrinkle face. “I work for Department H in Canada!

“Then it’s a good thing I brought your boss, James Hudson!” Fury replies as the James in question merrily waves in the background.

AAAAAAAAAGH
AAAAAAAAAGH

With permission from Dad to go and play in America’s giant flying backyard, Fury and Wolverine leave. Fury fills Wolvie in on the problem. The SHIELD helicarrier (Comes with everything you see here, batteries not included, your parents put it together, fun to play with not to eat.) has been infiltrated by Hydra LMDs.** Fury’s sensors and electronics have been unable to detect the renegade robots so he’s turned to Wolverine’s ability to smell evil. Luckily, Wolverine finds the first LMD really goddamn quickly. It’s former circus strongman back when that was an occupation that could get you a job as second in command to the world’s foremost anti-terrorist team Dum Dum Dugan who Logan basically eviserates. Fury looks on in shock and the Black Widow looks on in what I can only describe as ‘dumbfoundedness.’

She looks like somebody just hit her in the back of the head with a bat.
She looks like somebody just hit her in the back of the head with a bat.

Seeing how good Wolverine is at murdering robots (Anyone who watched the old 90s X-Men cartoon could have told you that.), Fury sends him and the Black Widow on a seek-and-destroy mission across the Helicarrier. The two easily dispatch the secret army of androids, stopping only so Wolverine can give the Widow a quick haircut. Seriously.

The Demon Barber of Westchester.
The Demon Barber of Westchester.

When Wolverine and the newly shorn Widow (Looking ADORABLE by the way.) return to Fury, he assigns them a new task. Take the fight to Hydra and rescue Dum Dum Dugan in the most bad ass way possible!

One flying motorcycle ride later, Wolverine, Fury, the Widow and Fury’s giant Rob Liefeld gun arrive at the Hydradome (A term I just made up for Hydra’s headquarters but that’s pretty good, right?). They rescue Dum Dum pretty easily, mostly because evil mastermind Madame Hydra has chained him up right next to the front door. This seems both cruel and stupid, putting Madame Hydra firmly in the Cobra Commander school of villainy. While the Black Widow battles Madame Hydra (Because only women can fight evil women, SIGH.), Fury and Wolverine fight evil Nazi relic Baron Strucker and his MOTHERFUCKING SATAN CLAW. Which is basically a big metal fist but it’s called the Satan Claw so show a little fucking respect.

Black Widow, shown here about to drop a serious deuce.
Black Widow, shown here about to drop a serious deuce.

Wolvie cuts the Satan Claw (and also Strucker’s hand) off but then Strucker ignores Wolverine to fight Fury some more instead. Mostly by attempting to punch Fury with his arm stump for some reason. Unfortunately for him, “actual hand” tends to beat out “bloody flesh wad” in a fist fight so Fury quickly wins by shoving the remains of the hand into a light switch, electrocuting Strucker to death.

Light switches are extremely dangerous. Do not keep them in your home!
Light switches are extremely dangerous. Do not keep them in your home!

Okay.

The forces of Hydra defeated (Hail Hydra! Cut off one limb and… eventually we will run out of limbs!), Fury offers Wolverine a permenent spot in SHIELD. After some consideration, Wolvie accepts, destroying his contract with Department H. Probably with a paper shredder if you were interested. This leads to a long and fruitful career as well as a montage page that includes a Rob Liefeld drawn picture of MODOK, something I cannot recommend to anyone.

Just amazing. Look at it.
Just amazing. Look at it.

A few months later, Fury is attacked in his flying car by Baron Strucker again. It’s probably a LMD but the issue doesn’t really spend much time talking about it before Fury crashes the car, killing them both. At the funeral, Dugan suggests Wolverine taking over as leader of SHIELD. Wolvie’s not really sure the US government will go for it, seeing as he just joined but Dugan points out that Wolverine is really, really popular. Nobody considers asking Black Widow if she wants the job.

*I Am Having Trouble Making New Versions of this Joke. -Out Of Ideas Matt!

**Life Model Decoys! They’re like Nick Fury’s Doombots.

What If Wolverine Created A New Universe?

Well, sir, the phrase “completely bat shit fucking loco” gets thrown around a lot these days. Since I started writing FTI almost a year ago, I’ve seen some weird fucking shit. The Marvel Bullpen becoming the Fantastic Four springs to mind, as does Korvac, naked as a jaybird, sitting atop the Earth like the Universe’s biggest yoga ball. I’ve seen the Thing grow green and scabby, I’ve seen the Human Torch burn down an underwater city. I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain and none of them were as weird as this motherfucker.

So this story takes place during the Evolutionary War which was a Marvel Annual crossover that I actually had to look up despite having read issues of it as I was recently working my way through Essentials X-Men and X-Factor. What it basically breaks down to is that the High Evolutionary, one of the greatest geneticists on the planet and owner of a solid steel mohawk, has developed his own “Genetic Bomb.” He plans to set it off, evolving everyone on earth to a higher plane of existence. In the original crossover, he was foiled by Hercules and a really lame line-up of Avengers. We’ve got the Captain (That’s Captain America AKA Steve Rogers except he’s just the Captain now because he’s mad at America, I guess.), Yellowjacket (Not that one, another one.), the Falcon and the Beast (Who SHOULD be over in X-Factor but whatever.).

Those are some stirring last words, Beast. You will be missed.
Those are some stirring last words, Beast. You will be missed.

So, in this new reality, everything goes goddamn wrong. The Avengers escape from the High Evolutionary’s submarine but they’re all killed except Cap, who just happens to run into Namor. Which makes perfect sense because it’s not like the ocean is really big or anything. Namor’s about to roll into his usual “I’m the king of the sea and also the king of mostly naked jerks” rant when the Genetic Bomb detonates, sending weird green sparkle flecks down on… well, basically everything on Earth.

Cap and Namor return to shore where they are quickly joined by the West Coast Avengers and the Australian era X-Men. Just as everyone launches into akward standing around wondering what to do mode, the crowd notices a change in Wolverine as his adamantium claws grow longer. Wolverine also mentions that they no longer appear to be cutting through his knuckles. So I honestly have no idea how they’re leaving his arms. Maybe some sort of highly evolved portal system within his arms. At this point, anything is possible.

Evolution definitely affects giant metal claws. This is called science.
Evolution definitely affects giant metal claws. This is called science.

One of the random strangers in the gathering crowd starts getting anti-mutant racist so it’s probably some kind of ironic when all of his hair falls out and his head swells. It soon become clear that this is happening to every normal human on earth as Cap’s head expands through his mask. As the human’s brains overdevelop, they all instantly realize that there’s no reason to hate mutants and super-people. What we should be doing is WORSHIPPING THEM. Which sounds MUCH BETTER.

Congratulations, you found a way to make Wonder Man even worse.
Congratulations, you found a way to make Wonder Man even worse.

That week, all the super people on earth who have now had their powers augmented to near godhood arrive at Madison Square Garden to discuss Earth’s fate. And also to play hockey. After a quick vote, the Marvel characters nominate Wolverine as their leader as he is obviously the most suited to lead an army of infinte power. I mean, who better than the short hairy asshole from Alberta who loves murder?

Anyone wants to send in pictures of Prom Queen Wolverine, I am happy to receive them.
Anyone wants to send in pictures of Prom Queen Wolverine, I am happy to receive them.

Wolverine heads out to the waiting crowd of super evolved humans and tells them “There’s no place for us here with you. We, who are so close to Gods, will fly into the heavens on an eternal quest, the outcome of which we do not know… bub.” And with that, the super evolved heroes fly into space like so much Poochie.

I'm worried this story is taking a turn for the goofy.
I’m worried this story is taking a turn for the goofy.

From a nearby building, the High Evolutionary and Thor watch. Thor asks the the High E if he plans to dominate the people of Earth. “Nah.” The Evolutionary replies. “I mean, I thought about it. But these guy seem to know what they’re on about. I think I’ll just watch and see how this all plays out.” He then ackwardly shuffles his feet and goes “Listen, Thor. I’m real sorry I straight up murdered Hercules. I thought it was the right thing to do.” “So, I’m sure, did Hitler.” says Thor as he flies away. In related news, Thor does not know how to argue.

Sensing that a giant chunk of super people have fled the planet, Earth is instantly attacked by its extranormal magical threats like Dormammu, Mephisto and Nightmare. Luckily, the giant heads of Doctors Strange and Druid have been left behind and the only thing that makes magic more powerful is excess forehead sweat I mean brains, excess brains.

Meanwhile, the Godlike Superheroes led by Wolverine swing by the moon to pick up the Inhumans and then the Eternals. They quickly meet up with a combined fleet of Shi’ar, Kree and Skrull ships because if What If has taught me anything, it’s that when a God appears on Earth, you can count on the assholes of the universe to wave laser guns at it. Unfortunately, Wolverine and his God Rangers have no time for alien politics and wipe the armies out with a thought. Well, that’s not… too worrying, is it?

Behold Frankenskrull.
Behold Frankenskrull.

Years pass on Earth, as the first wave of super intelligent heroes pass away. Cap, the Punisher, Hawkeye. Eventually Daredevil, who had fled from humanity because his senses were reading TOO MUCH, returns because he is now a psychic who needs none of his senses. He teams up to hang out with his new buddy, the Vision because, as Futurama taught us time and again, robots don’t get to ascend to Heaven. Even if their wives do.

whatif4907
You can probably just call him Captain America. I doubt his run as the Captain is going to be very memorable. It’s not like you inscribed AKA Cap Wolf on the tombstone.

 

Back in space, the God Squad makes short messy work of Frankie Raye AKA Nova, the Herald of Galactus. Which sucks because she actually seemed like a pretty nice girl who the Human Torch used to date, but whatever I guess this glowing cloud of assholes knows what the fuck its doing. They also boot the Silver Surfer into another dimension where he’ll be free and happy. So you guys DO have an alternative to killing. I’m sure that’ll make the smear that used to be Frankie happy. Next they murder the shit out of Galactus which is a bit of a surprise considering the Fantastic Four defended Galactus’ life in court like three years ago. But I GUESS YOU GUYS KNOW BEST *SHRUG*

No, none of this is worrying at all.
No, none of this is worrying at all.

As the “They Might Be Giants” song tells us, time keeps marching on. We return again to Earth where the Vision is the last of the super heroes left. Everyone on Earth is a creepy psychic space baby, hands joined like a 70s coke commerical. Vision decides it might be time to bail on this weird story, overheats himself with solar radiation and disappers in a puff of robotic sadness.

This is also the universe in which Teletubbies was set. Lala was actually Nick Fury!
This is also the universe in which Teletubbies was set. Lala was actually Nick Fury!

The God Squad eventually arrives at the edge of the universe where they quickly meet the embodiment of Death (An enormous cloaked skeleton, not a cute goth chick alas.) and Eternity (who has appeared in FTI before, represents the entire universe and apparently lives inside himself.) Death attacks first but the God Squad easily overpowers her, joining her power with their own. The two combined powers then attack Eternity.

whatif4910
At no point does the ol canknuckle head think that maybe destroying the universe is a bad idea.

 

On Earth, which now resembles the open field in which Robin Williams once plugged the movie “Toys”, the remaining super evolved humans… mostly sit around. Then a bunch of Celestials appear in the sky. The Celestials, if you’ve been skipping those “History of the Marvel Universe” stories because you think the Eternals are boring like I do, basically seeded intelligent life on Earth and other planets throughout the universe. They’re big awesome space robots and it’s usually kind of a to-do if they arrive. In this case, they’re here to finally end life on Earth as their experiment is at an end. Unfortuantely, they didn’t count on all this evolution that’s been happening since they left. The humans use their combined psychic powers to disintigrate one of the Celestials, freaking the rest out enough that they leave the planet. That small thing done, the remaining humans actually merge with the Earth turning it into a living planet. Sort of like Ego but without the awesome beard so what is even the point?

That one naked baby monster is freaking me out, man.
That one naked baby monster is freaking me out, man.

Meanwhile, at the edge of the universe, the God Squad has successfully merged with Eternity becoming the living embodiment of everything. The High Evolutionary appears, saying how his plan to jumpstart evolution has been an incredible success and now he (The High Evolutionary) is ready to join with this giant mess of Eternity/Death/Wolverine and a bunch of his friends that is now calling itself the Entity because it doesn’t need business cards the size of office blocks. Unfortunately for High E, the Entity gives him the cold shoulder. “Nah,” the Universe says. “We appreciate the boost but we don’t really need you. Uh, do us a favor, head back to earth and wait. We’ll, uh… we’ll call you.”

With that, the Entity opens a hole in reality and steps through, leaving this universe behind. With no Death or Eternity, the universe falls into a sort of decline. Life continues but there’s no spark and no death and so the High Evolutionary waits on Earth until a universal cycle eventually begins again.

For people who say big company crossovers don't change anything.
For people who say big company crossovers don’t change anything.

In the new reality, the Entity splits back into Death and Eternity and absorbs the super heroes. It then uses its power to jumpstart an entirely new universe which may or may not be our own which is definitely a creation myth I can get behind. “And Wolverine said… let there be light, bub. And he lit a cigar.”

 

What If Wolverine Couldn’t Cover Up ONE LOUSY MURDER? Also: Lumpy Thing Ruins Everything!

So this week we follow the adventures of Wolverine up in Canada in his first appearance. That’s his first official appearance. Starting from Incredible Hulk 181, we’ll be getting Wolverine flashback comics that basically go back to the beginning of time when Logan was a bad-ass assassin for a secret team of Galactus Heralds.

Anyway, this story picks up with Wolverine sent to capture the Hulk and the Wendigo for the Canadian government. Everything’s pretty much going according to plan until the Hulk punches Wolverine in the face one two many times and Wolverine freaks the fuck out. He murders the Hulk and Wendigo and this is treated like a huge deal despite the fact that Wolverine has killed more people than actual old age.

whatif3101
GRRRR!

The news that the Hulk has been mysteriously murdered races across the Marvel universe and a nation mourns the death of an infantile engine of destruction with a history of yelling at people. Also people who were fond of professional bomb builder Bruce Banner, I guess. Honestly? I’m not seeing a downside here.

whatif3102
“In other news, local monster the Hulk was murdered today in a shocking act of random violence. Will this mystery in the super hero community spark a genre defining twelve issue miniseries? Probably not. More at 11:00.”

Back in Canada Logan, drunk on his own sense of self-worth and also about ten thousand weak Canadian beers, gets into a bar fight and accidentally kills some dude. Whoops. He does what the most popular character in Marvel comics and one of the most bad ass characters ever invented always does when he commits murder.

whatif3103
“Crap! This was my 800th murder! I’m supposed to get a free sandwich!”

He runs home and begs his boss to get him out of it. Seriously, he hauls ass back to Department H and begs James McDonald Hudson (AKA Guardian, Vindicator or possibly Weapon Alpha. Guys, I’m from Canada but I do not give a shit about Alpha Flight.) to get him out of this.

“Look, man. You did a bad thing.” says Hudson. “You’re going to have to face the music. But this is Marvel Universe Canada, one of the most powerful countries on the planet. We can get you the best Canadian lawyers and get you off easy.”

Unfortunately, facing the music is not something that interests this universe’s lame Wolverine so he panics and runs off instead. Seriously, Logan. Buddy. You know how to disappear a murder. You’re starting to look like a bit of a chump.

whatif3104
“Feets don’t fail me now!”

At this point, Wolverine is stopped by Magneto and the Brotherhood of Not Going to Be Defined by Your Labels Mutants. Magneto’s been keeping an eye of Wolverine since the murder of the Hulk and he thinks he can slip Wolverine into the All-Old Classic X-Men as a spy. Wolverine agrees because he has no place to go and also is seriously a total chump.

The X-Men welcome Wolverine into their ranks with open arms when he just randomly shows up on their lawn a couple of days later. He dodges their questions and blocks Professor X’s mindscan with some device Magneto gave him.

whatif3105
“Cyclops, you smell like somebody I’m going to be cooler than for forty years.”

Then, because some things don’t change, he starts hitting on Jean Grey. Which is WAY creepier when she’s in her old X-Men costume for some reason. Makes her still look sixteen.

What little worries the X-Men had over Wolverine quickly vanish after he blows up some Sentinals and he’s completely gained their trust in like two days. He’s having conflictions about betraying the X-Men but that doesn’t stop him from disabling their security when Magneto tells him to. Charles Xavier has some of the most high tech security on the planet. The only possible way to disarm it is to stab it with claws.

The next morning, Cyclops and Wolverine compete for Jean’s affections in a variety of different ways (Carving her name into steel, getting rid of your stupid Kitty Whiskers mask.)

"I heard you like giant  engraved steel blocks, Jean!"
“I heard you like giant engraved steel blocks, Jean!”

when the Brotherhood attacks. They make short work of the X-Men which is shocking because this current line-up (Magneto, Mastermind, Lorelei, the Blob and fucking Unus the Untouchable) sucks. The tide turns when Magneto tries to throw a tile at Jean and murder her. Wolverine blocks the attack and rejoins the X-Men. Eventually, the X-Men are able to turn the tide and somehow defeat a guy named Unus.

Gross.
Gross.

Then Wolverine murders Magneto.

With his last breath, Magneto forces Wolverine to cut his own throat with his claws and they both bleed to death on the floor of the Danger Room. With the most popular character dead, this chilling universe’s X-Men are cancelled and kids in the 90s grow up super into Ghost Rider: The Animated Series.

This is so much easier than pulling the adamantium out through his pores.
This is so much easier than pulling the adamantium out through his pores.

So, meanwhile, in an entirely different story, the spaceship containing Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm crashes to earth blessing three of the crew with wonderous powers. And one guy with rock hard scabs all over his body. And when Reed Richards has finished dubbing himself Mr Fantastic and proclaimed that he and his friends shall help to save the world, Scab Guy tells him to go fuck himself. Which, given the circumstances, is understandable. Basically the Thing freaks out and then fucks off.

Well, this is embarrassing.
Well, this is embarrassing.

So the Fantastic Three leave Ben to wander across America wreaking stuff while they return to New York to… something? Look for him? I don’t know, it’s not a great plan.

"Hmm. Yes, we should probably do something about this."
“Hmm. Yes, we should probably do something about this.”

Luckily for them, Ben’s arrived back in New York after walking across the country, being angry. He’s finally decided to go back to Reed for help. Unfortunately, his “giant coat, scarf and sunglasses” disguise doesn’t work particularly well in the middle of August so the crowd (including the Thing’s blind girlfriend Alicia and her creepy uncle, the Puppetmaster) realize there’s a giant rockman in the vicinity pretty quickly.

It's too bad they caught him. That disguise was fooling everyone.
It’s too bad they caught him. That disguise was fooling everyone.

Ben gets pissed off again and starts up another rampage on THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY IN MARVEL HISTORY. In the course of an hour, he frightens Peter Parker away from his science exhibit and delays Donald Blake from his vacation in Norway. And then Tony Stark is called away from his business trip to Vietnam and Bruce Banner from his bomb experiments to stop the Thing. I assume on this same day, a truck carrying toxic isotopes stays home, an asshole surgeon doesn’t get in a car accident and nobody teaches a motorcycle stunt racer how to summon the devil.

Not shown: In this universe, Aunt May still becomes Spider-May.
Not shown: In this universe, Aunt May still becomes Spider-May.

 

Where Loki, Ulik, the Midgard Serpent and Ragnarok itself fail, the Mighty Thor is defeated by traffic.
Where Loki, Ulik, the Midgard Serpent and Ragnarok itself fail, the Mighty Thor is defeated by traffic.

The Thing attacks as Stark and Banner prepare their cosmic gamma ray gun in an attempt to cure the Thing. The Fantastic Three try to distract him using their new powers and finally the ray is fired. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to actually DO anything aside knocking everyone except Ben out. Ben considers murdering all of the downed normal people but decides he isn’t a complete monster and disappears into the sewer. Everyone regains conciousness and the F3 discover that their powers are gone. For some reason. With no super powers, every one breaks up and goes home leaving the Watcher to wonder how Earth will be defended from alien and Galactus invasions. X-Men had better step the fuck up.

Quick reminder: Classic Thing is fucking ugly.
Quick reminder: Classic Thing is fucking ugly.