We open on Jane Foster vacationing in Norway with her lame boss, Dr. Donald Blake. I say lame, because Don has a fucked up leg which he mentions constantly. Roughly the first half of this book consists of Don thinking “If only I wasn’t lame, I could be with Jane. But she could never love a man as lame as me.” Over in Jane’s brain, “If only Don knew I didn’t care how lame he is. His lameness is what made me fall in love with him.”
Alas the two young idiots would never realize their love for each other, for at that moment, the hills of Norway are attacked by invading rock men from Saturn. Fucking typical. Jane and Don try to escape but Don is lame and drops his walking stick down a chasm. Jane goes after it and escapes into a cave. She tries to go through the cave so she can get behind the stone men and maybe save Don but she’s blocked by a giant boulder.
Lucky for her, a found stick and the laws of physics may allow her to escape. Unfortunately, it’s a very, very big boulder so she tries beating it to death instead. For once, trying to beat up a giant rock doesn’t solve anyone’s problems but it does release the magic that was hidden in the stick, restoring its original form. With a crash of lightning or possibly thunder, the stupid stick is transformed into Mjolnier, the difficult to spell hammer of Thor! And Jane is transformed into the less difficult to spell person of Thor. Or… Lady Thor, I guess. A big amazon chick in leather and a steel bra. This may be What If’s best selling issue yet.
Jane realizes that she suddenly has all of the powers of Thor and decides that it would be a good idea to call herself Thordis. It isn’t and this is a terrible name but that’s not important right now, there are boulders to be thrown at aliens.
Thordis meets up with Don back on the surface where he a) attempting to not be murdered, b) worrying about the would-be girlfriend he lost down a hole and c) continuing to complain about how lame he is. A true hero. Thordis beats the shit out of the stone men, sending them running back to their ship to leave Earth and Marvel Comics forever.*
Thordis turns back into Jane and then hooks up with Don and they leave Norway just as the military shows up to battle the Saturn Men. “Something defeated those Rock Guys before we got here.” They say in perfect synchronization. “But what? Surely not that lame doctor or the attractive skirt on his shoulder.”
At this point, we leave scenic Midgard** behind and travel across the rainbow bridge of Asgard where Thor’s gross brother Loki is stuffed in a tree. So, first things first, this is late 70s Marvel so we are not talking about pants-creamingly beautiful Tom Hiddleston Loki. This is classic Loki, the one who looks like the sad end of a sick Llama. And yes, Odin shoved him into a tree for a billion years because of… well, he probably did something. He’s fucking Loki. Anyway, Loki is stuck in his maple scented jail until someone will cry for him. He frees himself by using all of his godly powers to poke some dude in the eye with a leaf. Boom. Instant tears, he is out of there. Back to the important business of plotting against Thor. Hope he’s not a girl now.
Back on Earth, Don and Jane are out for a stroll when they come across some unfortunate people who have been rendered negative. I’m not sure why this is a bad thing… like, I guess it’s too bad that they’re black and white now but I really don’t understand what the problem is. Jane ducks into an alley to bang her enchanted hairbrush (Oh, yeah. She had the ancient magical stick whittled into an hairbrush because she’s a girl, I guess?) against a wall and turns into Thordis. Thordis uses her amazing power of spinning a hammer to shoot particles at the negative people until the day is saved. Great job!
At this point, Loki reveals himself to Thordis as an ugly dope in a bad suit who has been hiding in the crowd. He turned those people negative as a way to lure Thor out and is now surprised to see that she is a pretty lady. “Okay,” says Loki. “You’re not Thor. But you’re like Thor. And Thor-like people are enemies to Lokis!” Then he uses the sun reflecting off her hammer to hypnotise Thordis. This works for about a minute before Thordis gets bored and angry, beats Loki up, ties him to her hammer and throws him off the Empire State Building. He lands in Asgard for some reason, instead of like… the ground.
Loki goes running to Odin the All-Father because he’s a shitty tattletale to tell everyone that Thor has returned to Earth.Odin summons Jane to Asgard but gets pissed off when she arrives. Odin explains that Thor was a real arrogant, proud shithead so Odin had him banished to Earth in the body of Don Blake. He hid Thor’s hammer as a stick, knowing that, when Don found it, he’d be worthy to be Thor again. Unfortunately, this elaborate plan backfired when Jane found the stupid thing instead. And that’s why you don’t teach lessons. So now, they’re all stuck with Thordis and the real Thor is stuck in the body of Don Blake, unaware of his destiny. Whoops.
So Odin gets pissed (No shock there.) and boots Jane out of Asgard. Which is fine by her because everyone is a dick and the Warriors Three keep sexually harrassing her. Thordis gets back to the serious business of kicking all sorts of ass and also joining the Avengers. It’s pretty awesome for everyone. Everyone except poor stupid lame Don Blake.
Don’s treating himself to a sad limp by the ocean when he spies a girl drowning. Throwing his self-pity to the wind, he dives into the sea and saves her. It’s Sif, ex-girlfriend of Thor, who followed Jane back to Earth to get herself up on some of that lame guy dick. Sif throws herself at Don, but can never tell him exactly why she has fallen for him, due to Odin’s stupid lesson. She also heals Don’s leg so that outta shut him up.
Sif and Don go out on the town only to be attacked by Loki. In his greatest evil plan yet, Loki, god of tricks, master of lies and a villain known for his great cunning… tries to beat Don and Sif with a big stick. Please keep in mind that the stick is actually heavier than Loki is. As are Loki’s shoes. Dude is not phyically impressive. Still, he manages to knock Sif out. Then Don drops a coat on his head.
Thordis shows up to return Loki to Asgard and then she and Don take Sif to surgery to recover from her stick attack. She pulls through just in time for Ragnarok to arrive. Isn’t that always the fucking way? Thordis, Sif and Don all return to Asgard to help stop the end of the world. They find Asgard being attacked by MANGOG, THE GIANT KICK-ASS LOOKING MONSTER WHO TRIES TO UNSHEATH THE MIGHTY ODINSWORD. He fails miserably when Odin shows up and tell him to knock it off.
So ragnarok is prevented, Loki is banished (again.) and the day is once again saved. Odin shows up and gives Don Blake Thordis’ hammer because… I guess he proved himself worthy. So now he gets to be Thor again. Sorry, Jane. You were actually a pretty fucking great super hero but this blonde idiot wants his hammer back so sorry, I guess. He’s also reunited with Sif so good for them.
As for Jane’s reward, Odin turns her into an actual goddess with a big stupid hat. Then, because there are no other characters to hook up with, Odin asks to marry her. (Don’t worry, the Watcher informs us that Odin’s not married in this universe for whatever fucking reason.) Which is fucking gross for a variety of reasons, least of which because they barely know each other and last time they met, he threw her out because she wasn’t a dude. But whatever! Enough super heroics! Get in the kitchen and make me an Odinsandwich! Sigh.
* Or until Planet Hulk, True Believers! -Smilin’ Stan, er, Matt.
**Earth, as is Thor comic tradition.