Tag Archives: The Ugly Ugly UGLY Thing

What If Wolverine Couldn’t Cover Up ONE LOUSY MURDER? Also: Lumpy Thing Ruins Everything!

So this week we follow the adventures of Wolverine up in Canada in his first appearance. That’s his first official appearance. Starting from Incredible Hulk 181, we’ll be getting Wolverine flashback comics that basically go back to the beginning of time when Logan was a bad-ass assassin for a secret team of Galactus Heralds.

Anyway, this story picks up with Wolverine sent to capture the Hulk and the Wendigo for the Canadian government. Everything’s pretty much going according to plan until the Hulk punches Wolverine in the face one two many times and Wolverine freaks the fuck out. He murders the Hulk and Wendigo and this is treated like a huge deal despite the fact that Wolverine has killed more people than actual old age.

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GRRRR!

The news that the Hulk has been mysteriously murdered races across the Marvel universe and a nation mourns the death of an infantile engine of destruction with a history of yelling at people. Also people who were fond of professional bomb builder Bruce Banner, I guess. Honestly? I’m not seeing a downside here.

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“In other news, local monster the Hulk was murdered today in a shocking act of random violence. Will this mystery in the super hero community spark a genre defining twelve issue miniseries? Probably not. More at 11:00.”

Back in Canada Logan, drunk on his own sense of self-worth and also about ten thousand weak Canadian beers, gets into a bar fight and accidentally kills some dude. Whoops. He does what the most popular character in Marvel comics and one of the most bad ass characters ever invented always does when he commits murder.

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“Crap! This was my 800th murder! I’m supposed to get a free sandwich!”

He runs home and begs his boss to get him out of it. Seriously, he hauls ass back to Department H and begs James McDonald Hudson (AKA Guardian, Vindicator or possibly Weapon Alpha. Guys, I’m from Canada but I do not give a shit about Alpha Flight.) to get him out of this.

“Look, man. You did a bad thing.” says Hudson. “You’re going to have to face the music. But this is Marvel Universe Canada, one of the most powerful countries on the planet. We can get you the best Canadian lawyers and get you off easy.”

Unfortunately, facing the music is not something that interests this universe’s lame Wolverine so he panics and runs off instead. Seriously, Logan. Buddy. You know how to disappear a murder. You’re starting to look like a bit of a chump.

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“Feets don’t fail me now!”

At this point, Wolverine is stopped by Magneto and the Brotherhood of Not Going to Be Defined by Your Labels Mutants. Magneto’s been keeping an eye of Wolverine since the murder of the Hulk and he thinks he can slip Wolverine into the All-Old Classic X-Men as a spy. Wolverine agrees because he has no place to go and also is seriously a total chump.

The X-Men welcome Wolverine into their ranks with open arms when he just randomly shows up on their lawn a couple of days later. He dodges their questions and blocks Professor X’s mindscan with some device Magneto gave him.

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“Cyclops, you smell like somebody I’m going to be cooler than for forty years.”

Then, because some things don’t change, he starts hitting on Jean Grey. Which is WAY creepier when she’s in her old X-Men costume for some reason. Makes her still look sixteen.

What little worries the X-Men had over Wolverine quickly vanish after he blows up some Sentinals and he’s completely gained their trust in like two days. He’s having conflictions about betraying the X-Men but that doesn’t stop him from disabling their security when Magneto tells him to. Charles Xavier has some of the most high tech security on the planet. The only possible way to disarm it is to stab it with claws.

The next morning, Cyclops and Wolverine compete for Jean’s affections in a variety of different ways (Carving her name into steel, getting rid of your stupid Kitty Whiskers mask.)

"I heard you like giant  engraved steel blocks, Jean!"
“I heard you like giant engraved steel blocks, Jean!”

when the Brotherhood attacks. They make short work of the X-Men which is shocking because this current line-up (Magneto, Mastermind, Lorelei, the Blob and fucking Unus the Untouchable) sucks. The tide turns when Magneto tries to throw a tile at Jean and murder her. Wolverine blocks the attack and rejoins the X-Men. Eventually, the X-Men are able to turn the tide and somehow defeat a guy named Unus.

Gross.
Gross.

Then Wolverine murders Magneto.

With his last breath, Magneto forces Wolverine to cut his own throat with his claws and they both bleed to death on the floor of the Danger Room. With the most popular character dead, this chilling universe’s X-Men are cancelled and kids in the 90s grow up super into Ghost Rider: The Animated Series.

This is so much easier than pulling the adamantium out through his pores.
This is so much easier than pulling the adamantium out through his pores.

So, meanwhile, in an entirely different story, the spaceship containing Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm crashes to earth blessing three of the crew with wonderous powers. And one guy with rock hard scabs all over his body. And when Reed Richards has finished dubbing himself Mr Fantastic and proclaimed that he and his friends shall help to save the world, Scab Guy tells him to go fuck himself. Which, given the circumstances, is understandable. Basically the Thing freaks out and then fucks off.

Well, this is embarrassing.
Well, this is embarrassing.

So the Fantastic Three leave Ben to wander across America wreaking stuff while they return to New York to… something? Look for him? I don’t know, it’s not a great plan.

"Hmm. Yes, we should probably do something about this."
“Hmm. Yes, we should probably do something about this.”

Luckily for them, Ben’s arrived back in New York after walking across the country, being angry. He’s finally decided to go back to Reed for help. Unfortunately, his “giant coat, scarf and sunglasses” disguise doesn’t work particularly well in the middle of August so the crowd (including the Thing’s blind girlfriend Alicia and her creepy uncle, the Puppetmaster) realize there’s a giant rockman in the vicinity pretty quickly.

It's too bad they caught him. That disguise was fooling everyone.
It’s too bad they caught him. That disguise was fooling everyone.

Ben gets pissed off again and starts up another rampage on THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY IN MARVEL HISTORY. In the course of an hour, he frightens Peter Parker away from his science exhibit and delays Donald Blake from his vacation in Norway. And then Tony Stark is called away from his business trip to Vietnam and Bruce Banner from his bomb experiments to stop the Thing. I assume on this same day, a truck carrying toxic isotopes stays home, an asshole surgeon doesn’t get in a car accident and nobody teaches a motorcycle stunt racer how to summon the devil.

Not shown: In this universe, Aunt May still becomes Spider-May.
Not shown: In this universe, Aunt May still becomes Spider-May.

 

Where Loki, Ulik, the Midgard Serpent and Ragnarok itself fail, the Mighty Thor is defeated by traffic.
Where Loki, Ulik, the Midgard Serpent and Ragnarok itself fail, the Mighty Thor is defeated by traffic.

The Thing attacks as Stark and Banner prepare their cosmic gamma ray gun in an attempt to cure the Thing. The Fantastic Three try to distract him using their new powers and finally the ray is fired. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to actually DO anything aside knocking everyone except Ben out. Ben considers murdering all of the downed normal people but decides he isn’t a complete monster and disappears into the sewer. Everyone regains conciousness and the F3 discover that their powers are gone. For some reason. With no super powers, every one breaks up and goes home leaving the Watcher to wonder how Earth will be defended from alien and Galactus invasions. X-Men had better step the fuck up.

Quick reminder: Classic Thing is fucking ugly.
Quick reminder: Classic Thing is fucking ugly.