Tag Archives: Nick Fury

What If Wolverine Became An Agent of SHIELD Despite His Baby Eating Past?

We open the issue with our quite possibly most 90s cover yet!

All he's missing is  a girl with her boobs and ass facing the reader at the same time, some chromium foil and an appearance by Ghost Rider!
All he’s missing is a girl with her boobs and ass facing the reader at the same time, some chromium foil and an appearance by Ghost Rider!

Let’s see here. Wolverine? Check. A Marvel character smoking? Check. A giant impractical gun? Check. An unnessesary number of belts? Check! (I count six depending on your definition of belt!) All drawn by Rob Liefeld? Check check check. Jesus, look at this thing. It’s gorgeous.

Our story this week opens the way many Wolverine stories open. Actually, the way one Wolverine story opens. Specifically his first appearence in Hulk 181. You can tell by the giant double page spread of Wolvie and a suspiciously Macfarlene looking Hulk fighting it out while the Wendigo watches and waves his hand like the third ninja down the line in a fight movie. Side note: Look how much Wolverine is spitting! That’s disgusting. Get yourself a tissue, Logan. Jeez!

Your action heroes just the way you like them! Covered in phlegm.
Your action heroes just the way you like them! Covered in phlegm.

Anyway, Wolverine defeats the Hulk when who should arrive but Nick Fury! Agent of SHIELD* appears to offer him a job.

“No thanks, bub!” Logan replies in a hideous close-up of his gross wrinkle face. “I work for Department H in Canada!

“Then it’s a good thing I brought your boss, James Hudson!” Fury replies as the James in question merrily waves in the background.

AAAAAAAAAGH
AAAAAAAAAGH

With permission from Dad to go and play in America’s giant flying backyard, Fury and Wolverine leave. Fury fills Wolvie in on the problem. The SHIELD helicarrier (Comes with everything you see here, batteries not included, your parents put it together, fun to play with not to eat.) has been infiltrated by Hydra LMDs.** Fury’s sensors and electronics have been unable to detect the renegade robots so he’s turned to Wolverine’s ability to smell evil. Luckily, Wolverine finds the first LMD really goddamn quickly. It’s former circus strongman back when that was an occupation that could get you a job as second in command to the world’s foremost anti-terrorist team Dum Dum Dugan who Logan basically eviserates. Fury looks on in shock and the Black Widow looks on in what I can only describe as ‘dumbfoundedness.’

She looks like somebody just hit her in the back of the head with a bat.
She looks like somebody just hit her in the back of the head with a bat.

Seeing how good Wolverine is at murdering robots (Anyone who watched the old 90s X-Men cartoon could have told you that.), Fury sends him and the Black Widow on a seek-and-destroy mission across the Helicarrier. The two easily dispatch the secret army of androids, stopping only so Wolverine can give the Widow a quick haircut. Seriously.

The Demon Barber of Westchester.
The Demon Barber of Westchester.

When Wolverine and the newly shorn Widow (Looking ADORABLE by the way.) return to Fury, he assigns them a new task. Take the fight to Hydra and rescue Dum Dum Dugan in the most bad ass way possible!

One flying motorcycle ride later, Wolverine, Fury, the Widow and Fury’s giant Rob Liefeld gun arrive at the Hydradome (A term I just made up for Hydra’s headquarters but that’s pretty good, right?). They rescue Dum Dum pretty easily, mostly because evil mastermind Madame Hydra has chained him up right next to the front door. This seems both cruel and stupid, putting Madame Hydra firmly in the Cobra Commander school of villainy. While the Black Widow battles Madame Hydra (Because only women can fight evil women, SIGH.), Fury and Wolverine fight evil Nazi relic Baron Strucker and his MOTHERFUCKING SATAN CLAW. Which is basically a big metal fist but it’s called the Satan Claw so show a little fucking respect.

Black Widow, shown here about to drop a serious deuce.
Black Widow, shown here about to drop a serious deuce.

Wolvie cuts the Satan Claw (and also Strucker’s hand) off but then Strucker ignores Wolverine to fight Fury some more instead. Mostly by attempting to punch Fury with his arm stump for some reason. Unfortunately for him, “actual hand” tends to beat out “bloody flesh wad” in a fist fight so Fury quickly wins by shoving the remains of the hand into a light switch, electrocuting Strucker to death.

Light switches are extremely dangerous. Do not keep them in your home!
Light switches are extremely dangerous. Do not keep them in your home!

Okay.

The forces of Hydra defeated (Hail Hydra! Cut off one limb and… eventually we will run out of limbs!), Fury offers Wolverine a permenent spot in SHIELD. After some consideration, Wolvie accepts, destroying his contract with Department H. Probably with a paper shredder if you were interested. This leads to a long and fruitful career as well as a montage page that includes a Rob Liefeld drawn picture of MODOK, something I cannot recommend to anyone.

Just amazing. Look at it.
Just amazing. Look at it.

A few months later, Fury is attacked in his flying car by Baron Strucker again. It’s probably a LMD but the issue doesn’t really spend much time talking about it before Fury crashes the car, killing them both. At the funeral, Dugan suggests Wolverine taking over as leader of SHIELD. Wolvie’s not really sure the US government will go for it, seeing as he just joined but Dugan points out that Wolverine is really, really popular. Nobody considers asking Black Widow if she wants the job.

*I Am Having Trouble Making New Versions of this Joke. -Out Of Ideas Matt!

**Life Model Decoys! They’re like Nick Fury’s Doombots.

What If Ghost Rider Battled The Pope? Also: Something About Daredevil or Whatever.

Everybody who’s anybody remember the time that Hell’s Spirit of Vengeance, the Ghost Rider was separated from his host, stunt bike racer and mullet-haver Johnny Blaze by the evil red wizard, Azaziah, right? Like, I don’t have to go into details about how this Merlin-looking motherfucker deposessed Johnny in an effort to take the Ghost Rider for himself? And Blaze and the Ghost Rider realized they were both far weaker without one another and reunited and it felt so good? Good, I can skip all that boring crap and get straight to the blasphemy.

I literally just noticed that Ghost Rider is pointing like he has something to say but can’t because the Watcher won’t shut up.

In this new reality, Azaziah knocks Johnny on his ass and gives himself the power of the Ghost Rider easily. Then it’s an easy thing to summon Ghost Rider’s hellcycle and go out to try and take over the world. I’m a little delighted by the idea of an immortal wizard turning into an Evel Knievel style stunt racer but I guess thing about different hosts making different looking Ghost Riders hadn’t been written yet. Shame. I’d kill for a bearded skeleton riding around in a flaming wagon like Satan’s own Santa Claus.

“So long, suckers!”

Azaziah takes his motorcycle across the sea, heading straight for Vatican City in Rome. His goal: To murder the Pope! For by sacrificing the pope, Azaziah will be able to control the minds of every Christian on Earth. Or all of Christendom, as he repeats over and over and over again.

Not seen: Ghost Rider doing a sick jump off a whale.

Back in America, Johnny regains conciousness. Remembering Azaziah’s words about planning to attack “the pearl of Christendom”, Johnny realizes that this was the name people in the middle ages gave the “seat of papal authority”. Which is pretty good for shit-kicking hick in need of a haircut. Friggin’ hippy. Johnny realizes his chances of biking to Rome are pretty low so he steals a plane and gives chase.

Johnny Blaze: Theology Major.

 

Meanwhile, Azaziah has rampaged through Rome, openly mocked the papal guard for their ridiculous uniforms and taken the Pope to one of Vatican City’s many ancient torture chambers.

Every single Pope panel is hilarious to me.

Johnny finally arrives on a stolen Vespa but he busts his leg trying to jump the circle of hellfire surrounding the Vatican. Nice one, buddy. I thought jumping over fire on a motorcycle was literally the one thing you were good at. Azaziah quickly finds him and chains him to a wall, knowing he can’t kill Johnny without killing himself as well. Wonder if that’ll come up later.

Azaziah returns to normal (or “Old Man in a flowery dress form.”) and prepares to sacrifice the Pope, summoning a huge scarlet scimitar to stab him with. Gotta say, the pope’s taking all of this surprisngly well. He spends a lot of time just hanging out.

See? Here he is again, just being the Pope on a giant stone altar while Ghost Rider rubs his sore foot.

Luckily, Johnny’s able to pick the locks on his chains. By which I mean he pulls them out of the wall. Lousy shoddy ancient masonary. He’s then able to snatch the scimitar away before it can commit papalcide. Azaziah returns to Ghost Rider form but Johnny bonks him on the skull with the shattered masonary and then stabs him with the scimitar. This final act of heroism kills them both, leaving a very confused Pope wondering just what the fuck has happened.

“God be with you, hick who saved me from Alan Moore in a dress.”

Next we go to our backup AND cover story, an actual Daredevil comic by Frank “I’m not crazy yet” Miller! This one starts off simply enough with Daredevil’s usual origin: Kid saves blind man, kid gets hit in the face with chemicals, chemicals fall down storm drain, chemicals mutate four baby turtles and a rat, turtles and rat form media empire that lasts thirty years. Simple!

 

This time around, we learn that the chemical truck in question belonged to Tony Stark and Stark’s been following it across town to keep an eye on it. When Matt Murdock’s face gets splattered, Tony bustles the kid into his awesome flying car and takes him to the best medical facility on the planet: the SHIELD helicarrier on a rare day when it isn’t crashing.

Maybe you could also do something about that GIANT FIRE, Tony.

Unfortunately, all of this has been noticed by an agent of HYDRA who had been following Stark following the chemical truck. (You know, I’ve read a lot of Daredevil origins and I never remembered the truck accident being this BUSY.) The Hydra Agent figures an acid splattered teenager might be worth having for some reason and sends a Matt Murdock doppleganger robot over to Matt’s father’s gym. The fact that they have a Matt Murdock robot just kicking around raises the question of why they would want a human Matt Murdock who also can’t see at all but whatever. Robo-Matt kidnaps Matt’s father and then disappears from the story.

“I was replaced by a robot” is probably the absolute last thing Jack Murdock expected when he asked Matt how his day went. Runner-up is probably “went blind, got super powers.”

Up on the Helicarrier Stark and Fury have discovered that the chemicals have enhanced all of Matt’s senses. And dehanced his eyes significantly. Matt’s pretty bummed but Fury thinks that his new powers will make Matt a perfect SHIELD agent and begins training him right away.

“We swiped this technology from Professor X’s danger room, kid. Hope you survive the experience.”

About a month passes and Matt starts asking Fury about his father. Matt’s been missing a while and he suspects his father is worrying. Unbeknownest to Matt, Fury’s had SHIELD agents looking for Matt’s dad since they picked Matt up and had no luck finding him. Fury lies to Matt, making some lie up about Matt’s father being sent on a completely legitimate cruise or something but Matt realizes he’s lying and quits.

Matt’s just wondering how he’s going to locate his father when he’s approached by the shittiest double agent ever to work with SHIELD or Hydra. She offers to take Matt to see his father and the two of them try to escape the Helicarrier. It takes about three seconds for them to be recaptured by Fury who tells Matt that they’ve located the Hydra base Matt’s father is stashed at. Which is really handy considering an hour ago, nobody had any idea where the hell he was. Also if you’re wondering who the double agent was, what side she was actually on and what happened to her, join the club. She too disappears from the story.

“Let’s just say I’m the world’s worst double agent and I’m willing to blow my cover to a kid who’s worked here for a month.”

Matt approaches the underwater Hydra base, easily defeating the guards in some really damn sharp Frank Miller action sequences. He quickly rescues his dad from the pole in a giant empty room he was strapped to and then they escape. Fury also shows up to kill some people. Hooray!

I don’t have anything to say here, I just love this fucking action sequence.

Safely back on the Helicarrier, Matt finally tells his father what’s been going on and takes a job with SHIELD. Matt’s father celebrates that his son has found a good, useful career. And Robot-Matt and the SHIELD Double Agent have a Vegas wedding.

 

What if they found a way for me to give a shit about pre-eyepatch Nick Fury?

If there’s one thing I don’t know (or care, frankly) about, it’s Sgt. Fury and his Howling Commandos. War’s been an important genre of comics up til… I think like the eighties but nobody gives a shit about it anymore, least of all me. So how do you make me want to read a war comic about Nick Fury? Put it in space! Or, I guess, have Garth Ennis write it. That usually does the trick too.

So, we open on Space Station Pearl, on December 7, 1941. In the Hawaiian part of space, I assume. While Sgt. Nick Fury and his good buddy Red Hargrove are playing cards and talking about… I dunno, either space women or stuff from the 1940s, the story goes back and forth, Uatu shows up with his usual big box of exposition.

“I hear you wondering, O reader at home” He says, drawing my attention to the fact that he is not wearing pants. “How is it 1941 and yet we have spaceships and stuff? Why is Space Station Pearl about to be bombed by interstellar lizard men from the other side of the sun? The hell is going on?” Good questions all, but mostly I’m just wondering if we’re gonna get to see Fury lose his eye in space? That sounds AMAZING.

So here’s the deal: Back in the renaissance, Leonardo Da Vinci drew a helicopter. In our reality, he didn’t build it because it wouldn’t work so he got back to painting people and co-starring in Assassin’s Creed games. In this reality, it DID work, ushering in a world where all of technology was invented way sooner. This results in man landing on the moon (in paper spaceships, I assume) in the 1600s and traveling outside our own galaxy in 1903. It’s actually pretty fucking awesome.

So, back on the Space Station Pearl, lizard aliens attack and Fury and Hargrove spring into action, shooting lasers and smoking in the space helmets. This is a recurring theme in this issue and I never stop finding it hilarious.

In fact, just when the laughter from Fury’s stogie starts to die down, he and Hargrove find their commanding officer Sam Sawyer dying, a pipe still clutched in his teeth. How is this even a little useful? Far be it from me to judge the Greatest Generation.

With his dying breath, Sawyer begs Fury to lead the new team of commandos Sawyer was building because (I assume.) he knew that the attack on Pearl Station would result in Earth finally entering Space World War I But Earth World War II Except We Aren’t Warring On Earth And This Whole Thing Is Getting Confusing.

We jump forward a couple of months to Fury and his new Howling Commandos training with some fighting robots. In addition to Fury and Hargrove, we also meet Dum Dum Dugan, a circus strongman* who wears a bowler hat inside his space helmet. Seriously, it just keeps being funny. There’s also Gabriel Jones and his bugle that shoots a laser when he blows into it. Through his space helmet.

Apparently, our laser bugle designers were uninformed that AIR CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO GO IN AND OUT OF A FUCKING SPACE HELMET. IT’S LITERALLY THE THING’S ONLY JOB. There’s some other guys too (including a cowboy space guy with a gun that shoots lassos for some reason.) but who cares? They’re basically the “And the rest” guys.

So Fury takes the Commandos to meet their new commanding officer and everyone’s pretty mad when it turns out to be a super computer because space.

Fury tries to pick a fight with it but the Super Computer attacks him with a robot who sprays Fury with freeze gas. The computer then gives them their assignment. The evil Beta Aliens are planning to attack the station so Fury and co. are on 24 space hour guard until they show. And Hargroves’ a pilot now for some reason. Fine.

So now we cut over to the Beta Aliens’ ship, where the Master Betan guides his fleet towards the Earth space station. See, it turns out that the Betans have a spy in the Earth’s guard. I wonder who it could be? Certainly not the bald be-monocled Baron Admiral Strucker who was a promising Nazi until Earth decided to skip the Holocaust and fight aliens instead. Which is definitely MY preference.

However, Strucker’s got a plan of his own. He’s playing both sides of the fence, hoping to lure the Betans into a war they can’t win and then take over Earth for the Nazis. I assume he also plans to reinvent Nazism but one thing at a time.

So, the Betans attack and Hargrove and his team of fighter pilots get into a pretty fucking kick-ass space battle. Unfortunately all of Hargrove’s buddies are slaughtered but he manages to eject so it all works out. For him, anyway. His friends are all dead.

Meanwhile, the Howling Commandos and their robot buddy awake from sleep duty to attempt to defend the space station. Mostly though, they just get knocked around by lasers. The robot is buried under some crap but Nick and Gabe save it, winning its friendship.

At this point, the robot tells Fury that Admiral Strucker is a traitor, although I personally have no idea how it knew and I just read this fucking comic twenty minutes ago. They go to arrest Strucker but he attacks them with his team of Aryan Supermen. Because of course.

Eventually, Fury kicks Strucker out an airlock and the Commandos beat the holy shit out of the Aryan Supermen. Fuck you AND your blonde smugness, A-holes.

There’s some more space fighting, the Betans are blown up to death, Hargrove is saved and the robot is randomly killed by space debris. Just as he and Nick were bonding too. It’s sad.

The war won(?), Fury and co. report back to their computer commanding officer who applauds them for winning the war but also tells them they are loose cannons who should do things more by the book. Fury shoots him with a space bugle.

At no point, does Fury lose an eye and need it to be replaced by a robot eye. A missed opportunity if I ever heard one.

*Yes, there are still circuses in a world where we’ve mastered interstellar travel. I’m as upset as you are. Ugh.