Tag Archives: Mephisto

What If The Silver Surfer Battled The Devil For The Fantastic Four’s Souls? (This Comic Contains No Fiddle Contests.)

Man, did this one take a turn for me. When I saw the title (What If The Silver Surfer Were Stuck On Earth) my first reaction was “Awww, the Silver Surfer. That shiny motherfucker…” but this thing is great.

We open on the Silver Surfer fruitlessly bashing his head against the force field that Galactus has used to bound him to Earth because he looooooves it soooooooooo muuuuuuuch. The Fantastic Four watch awkwardly as their friend has a total freaking temper tantrum.

Ben wore a shirt because space is chilly.
Ben wore a shirt because space is chilly.

“You know,” Reed pipes up. “You could join the Fantastic Four. We haven’t done a Fantastic Five story in a while and those always end really well for everyone and never with the Torch trying to wipe out an entire people.”

The Surfer is hesitant but eventually agrees because Reed offers to continue experiments to get Shiny back into space. And so the wielder of the Power Cosmic joins the FF. And they start wrecking shit up. I mean, yes. Tough dudes like Doom and Terminus are on the ropes, sure but you don’t even want to know how badly they beat up the Mole Man. That shit is CRUEL. It’s like they turned on friggin’ god mode. This Fantastic Five makes that one with Spider-Man look like a box of garbage. Hey! You reading this, Spider-Man? Fuck you!

I just love whenever the FF are dynamically charging into battle and the artist draws Reed's little regular guy feet.
I just love whenever the FF are dynamically charging into battle and the artist draws Reed’s little regular guy feet.

Alas, time goes by and the Surfer continues to sink deeper and deeper into depression. All he really wants to do is get back out into space, see his wife and maybe egg the Beyonder’s house. He also refuses to go see Army of Darkness in the theater with Johnny and Ben so he is frankly WASTING his time on Earth.

It wasn't the alternate title in this universe! Also they kept the original ending in!
It wasn’t the alternate title in this universe! Also they kept the original ending in!

One night, Reed gets a call from a priest. Which is weird because Reed is a straight stone cold atheist. Like he even acts super awkward on the phone.

“Dr Richards? This is a priest.”

“…”

“H… hello? Dr Richards?”

“How did you get this number?”

“You’re in the phone book.”

“Uh… huh.”

“I have a matter of some… well, it’s of a supernatural bent.”

“I’ll give you Dr. Strange’s phone number.”

“N-No, Dr. Richards. I… the church could really use the Fantastic Five’s help.”

“UUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, FINE.”

"Sue! There's a robot on the phone who says we've won a cruise!"
“Sue! There’s a robot on the phone who says we’ve won a cruise!”

So Reed loads up all the Ghostbusters supplies he can find and the gang head over to New York’s spookiest church. They’re quickly alerted to some bad business when Reed notices the PKE meter spiking. And also the walls start bleeding and a pew starts flying around the room. Typical church stuff. And then a camera flies down the Priest’s mouth and he’s all into Evil Dead mode, prancing around in stop-motion and rhyming. Luckily, they’re then pulled into Hell before Ben has to cut his hand off and replace it with a chainsaw and if anyone wants to draw fan art of that, that would be awesome.

"Johnny, fetch me Tobin's Spirit Guide."
“Johnny, fetch me Tobin’s Spirit Guide.”

The Fantastic Five regain consciousness in actual hell, all strapped to rocks except for the Surfer who does not have time for Hell bullshit. I mean, neither does Reed but he has less say in the matter. They’re approached by Mephisto, he who is the devil, star of Ghost Rider: The Motion Picture. And MAN, does this giant red dude have a hate boner on for the Surfer. They’ve fought before and I guess the Surfer is like the purest most good dude in all of creation because Mephisto hasn’t wanted to drag someone to Hell this badly since Jesus. He does some typical Devil bragging, they have a pretty epic fight scene with one of the metalist splash pages I’ve seen since the X-Men went to Asgard and then Mephisto offers the Surfer a deal. If the Surfer volunteers to stay in Hell, not only will Mephisto free the FF but he’ll recall all his demons on Earth, bringing goodness to the entire world, prematurely ending Inferno and binding Johnny Blaze’s head in skin again (Huh, it turns out I’m really jonesing for a Ghost Rider comic. I want to see him battle a pope stealing wizard again. Let’s see here… issue 45? Son of a…). The Surfer reluctantly agrees and then Mephisto burns Johnny Storm to death to show that he’s serious.

“I already said I’d do it!” The Surfer yells.

“Talk faster.” The Lord of Douches replies.

"You fiend! You've turned him into a skeleton! Don't worry, Johnny! I'll spend the rest of my life trying to find a cure." "Don't hold yer breath, kid."
“You fiend! You’ve turned him into a skeleton! Don’t worry, Johnny! I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to find a cure.” “Don’t hold yer breath, kid.”

Anyway, true to his word, Mephisto boots the Fantastic Three back to Earth and then goes about drawing in every demon he has to bind the Surfer into Hell. And it’s actually pretty great. As the demons withdraw, people actually start to get a little better. They stop being less racist, crime drops, the Punisher actually puts away his guns. It’s the dawning of a beautiful new age.

"Weeeeeee'll meet agaaaaaaaaaaain. Don't know wheeeeeeeeeere, don't know wheeeeeeeeeen..."
“Weeeeeee’ll meet agaaaaaaaaaaain. Don’t know wheeeeeeeeeere, don’t know wheeeeeeeeeen…”

Back in Hell, Mephisto laughs. Humanity may be in a glorious golden age, but it won’t be forever. It’s not demons that make people shitty. They just help. And then he turns back to the important business of torturing the Surfer for all eternity. Unfortunately for him, the Surfer is having none of it. He won’t bend and in a fit of rage, Mephisto crushes him like a bug.

That little victory lasts about ten seconds before the giant glowing form of the Surfer appears behind the Devil, blinding him with heavenly light.

“THAT’S RIGHT, MOTHER FUCKER. I’M TOO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL TO BE DESTROYED. I’M GONNA BLIND YOU AND EVERY OTHER DEMONIC ASSHOLE IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY. SUCK MY LACK OF A DICK, SATAN!”

"YOU DIDN'T COUNT ON MY BEING THE MESSIAH, DID YOU, MOTHERFUCKER?"
“YOU DIDN’T COUNT ON MY BEING THE MESSIAH, DID YOU, MOTHERFUCKER?”

 

What If Doctor Doom Was… Okay, LESS of an Asshole.

 

I love me some Doctor Doom. You want to talk classic, yelling, boasting, talking about himself in the third person villainy, Doctor Doom is definitely the way to go. So an entire issue based around the guy so evil his name is fucking DOOM becoming a good guy? I am there. And if that didn’t hurt, look at that fucking cover. That is amazing.

So if you’ve never heard the story, our old buddy Uatu is there to fill us in as he bombs out on an asteroid, his watcher’s crotch on display for all to see. BEHOLD ITS GLORY, HUMAN. I gotta say, guys, Fred Kida’s art in this is fantastic.

Ahem. So… Victor Von Doom. Born in the tiny nation of Latveria, a… Germanesque? country full of fans of lederhosen, alpenhorns and a distinct fear of werewolves, Doom is raised by his father, Werner von Doom. (Jeez, I never would have guessed that there’d be a better supervillain name than Victor von Doom but Wernher von Doom? That’s fantastic.) Doom’s mother, Cynthia was  a witch, burned at the stake while Victor was still a tiny, speaking in the third person baby.

One day, Latveria’s evil baron (Of course, there’s an evil baron.) contacts Wernher von Doom to help his sick wife. “Zat’s not my department” says Wernher von Doom. He is put to death. Victor swears revenge and then heads to America to get his doctorate in “Contacting My Mother In Hell” studies. I’ve always assumed this was the class Dr. Venkman was teaching.

So Doom attempts to use a combination of sorcery and witchcraft to contact his mother’s damned soul. Before he can, Reed Richards gets a look at his work and sees that a few decimals points are missing. He tries to tell Victor but Doom is having none of it. He goes ahead with the experiment, blows his own fucking face off, flees to Tibet, forges himself some armor and builds a time machine to steal Blackbeard’s treasure. You know, that old chestnut.

But, asks Uatu, still displaying his crotch in a manner that can only be to make us uncomfortable, what if Doom wasn’t a big dickhole? What if he listened to Reed, checked his math and THEN sent his spirit to hell? And that is, in fact exactly what happens. Doom sends his soul into the demonic pit where he finally contacts his mother. After laying on the traditional parental guilt trip (Why don’t you CALL, Vicky?”), she drops a knowledge bomb on him, letting him know that he’s the true heir to Latveria. She never mentions why exactly if that was the case, he and his father were living crappy lives in a shitty Gypsy camp but, to be fair, he never asks.

Victor’s soul returns to his body and he tells Reed of his plan to finally save his mother from Hell and then return victorious to Latveria where he shall rule benevolently. Perhaps in a gaudy suit of armor. He and Reed part as friends, and Reed heads off to tragically mutate his best friend and then presumedly spend the rest of his life fighting… I don’t know, probably the Mole Man.

In a gorgeous and very Bernie Wrightsony sequence, Victor travels the world learning dark secrets of the occult, speaking to ancient sorcerers and appearing in eight issues of Tomb of Dracula. Finally, on a trip to Tibet, Victor learns the secrets he needs from an ancient order of monks. The monks forge him a suit of golden armour and a… let’s say unique helmet.

Looking good, Vic.

Doom heads to an uninhabited cave to work his magicks, contacting Satan like so much Ghost Rider. He finally frees his mother’s soul, allowing her to go to… Heaven? I guess. The one afterlife that HASN’T been proven to exist in the Marvel Universe. Except for that time the Fantastic Four found out Jack Kirby was God.

Meanwhile in Hell, (a sentence that has never worked out well for anyone.) Mephisto (the actual devil) discovers that one of his souls is missing, resulting in a lot of yelling and acting rude to his demonic whores.

Incidentally, Mephisto’s in this? Hooray! A story where the hammiest motherfucker in the Marvel Universe pisses off the second hammiest motherfucker in the Marvel Universe? SOLD. Anyway, Mephisto vows revenge. Blah blah blah.

Back on Earth, Doom returns to Latveria, determined to rule it as is his birthright. Unfortunately, he finds it under the control of the evil, medallion wearing Prince Rudolfo, which may be my new favourite name ever. Rodolfo’s been doing the usual evil king stuff: taxing the peasants, throwing people in the dungeon, cancelling Christmas and banning all toys in the kingdom. You know the drill.

Luckily for the sad peasants, Doom arrives in his ridiculous gold armour to wreck up the place. He uses a combination of magic and technology to fucking destroy Rodolfo’s army of guards, including turning one into a giant frog which is FANTASTIC.

Rudolfo is ultimately killed by a bullet’s ricochet, alas. Good night, sweet prince. I look forward to openly mocking your ridiculous tombstone.

Doom frees all of the prisoners in Rodolfo’s dungeon, including his old girlfriend Valeria. He then moves all his stuff into Latveria Castle and begins using his technology to improve the lives of his people. This mostly involves robot farmers but… you know, Latveria is a simple country. Doom also proposes to Valeria. He marries her in front of his subjects, including a young Alfred E Neumann and Hansi, the Girl Who Loved the Swastika.

Everything’s basically perfect until Doom and Mrs. Doom head off on their honeymoon… and the Devil shows up. “Now you run a pretty good country, boy, but give Mephisto his due. I’ll take every life, damn your lovely wife, Latveria burns because of you.”

Basically, Doom owes Mephisto a soul and to get it, Mephisto is perfectly willing to drag all of Latveria to hell. This is followed by some truly glorious purple prose as these two guys yell at each other and address themselves in the third person. It’s wonderful.

Finally, Mephisto offers Doom a deal. Latveria’s safe. That’s off the table. All Mephisto wants is one soul. Doom’s… or Valeria’s. Surely that decision can’t be too difficult for the benevolent savior of Latveria?

Unfortunately, Doom might be a good guy but he’s still an arrogant piece of shit. “The world can’t lose me. I’m Doctor Fucking Doom! I have so much love to give!” So he sentences his wife to burn for all eternity, vowing to find some way to someday save her. (Spoiler alert: He doesn’t.)