Tag Archives: Loki

What If the X-Men and Thor Got Super Fucking Metal?

This week, we go back to a recent favourite of mine: The X-Men Asgardian Wars. This tells the tale of Loki kidnapping Storm and the vacationing New Mutants to Asgard where he and the Enchantress can screw with them all one on one for some stupid thing the original X-Men did to Loki a few months back. Loki’s revenge takes weird and winding paths which makes sense because he is the god of dickery. Oh, excuse me, that says trickery. Well, I’m still right.

And this is just THE COVER.
And this is just THE COVER.

Anyway, after some adventures, weird wolf sex and EXTREME weight loss, the New Mutants are joined in Asgard by the X-Men. Despite many of our heroes wanting to stay in this mythic land of thees and thous because it’s the 80s and everyone isn’t annoyed by this concept yet, Marvel’s merry mutants eventually all return to a world that hates and fears them where I think almost all of them get killed at some point or another.

As a comic reader, I am a big fan of anyone saying "The Die Is Cast!"
As a comic reader, I am a big fan of anyone saying “The Die Is Cast!”

But in THIS reality, (he wrote for the 60th time.) our heroes are crippled by indecision! Or more accurately Wolfsbane is overcome by indecision because she wants to stay with her Wolf Prince. Which is understandable because young love but it does ignore everyone else on the team’s responsibilities back on earth. So thanks a heap for that, Wolfsbane.

Nightcrawler, THIS IS YOUR LIFE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. Maybe a little more thought?
Nightcrawler, THIS IS YOUR LIFE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT. Maybe a little more thought?

Weirdly for him, Loki is totally down with sending everyone who doesn’t want to stay in Asgard back to Earth because Loki is a character totally known for his love of compromise. He sends most of the X-Men and a couple of New Mutants home where they form a new superhero team and Loki never bothers them again!

In this grim reality, there's only ONE X-Men book to read. And I guess the Wolverine book but still!
In this grim reality, there’s only ONE X-Men book to read. And I guess the Wolverine book but still!

Meanwhile, in Asgard, everyone is deliriously happy. Cannonball marries a dwarf princess, Cypher studies Asgard’s many lost and forbidden tomes, Wolfsbane sniffs her princes’ butt in the tradition of all animals in heat, Nightcrawler is overjoyed that he can just use a sword to solve his problems and Rogue makes out with Green Arrow.

"YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CITY."
“YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CITY.”

But what of Storm, whom Loki has blessed with the powers of Thor and a brand spanking new hammer? Well, she spends most of her time really fucking dazed by Loki’s mind control powers. Unbeknownst to her, Loki has recently turned Thor into a frog, and with Odin currently dead, Loki plans to prop Storm up as the new ruler of Asgard. Which absolutely nobody should have a problem with, what with her being a mortal and also black.

Asgardian racism!
Asgardian racism!

In fact, at least one person DOES have a problem with this: The Norn Queen, a character I know almost nothing about because I haven’t read all of Walt Simonson’s run on Thor and am a little out of my depth with these characters. From what I can tell, the Norn Queen is trying to set up Thor’s buddy Balder as the new ruler of Asgard. She strikes a deal with Hela, Asgard’s death goddess, to kill Storm whom Hela is pissed at because Storm prevented her from killing Wolverine. Apparently nobody told her that NOTHING can kill Wolverine and yes, I am aware that Wolverine is currently dead as of this writing.

Apparently none of this currently matters anyway because as Loki is presenting Storm to the Asgardian people, Loki is kidnapped by a terrifying green demon monster dressed like Thor. Actually, it’s Frog Thor who has retrieved Mjolnir and returned to Asgard for revenge. Frog Thor and Human Storm have themselves an old fashioned hammer fight until Hela shows up to claim Storm’s soul because Hela is a jerk in a huge hat.

The road to Hel is paved with good intentions and the doors are double sized.
The road to Hel is paved with good intentions and the doors are double sized.

At this point, the X-Gardians arrive to defend Storm and she fucking vaporizes Sunspot. So much for your dreams of glory and bar brawls, Bobby.

Meanwhile, Volstagg breaks something valuable which causes the frog curse on Thor to be lifted. You’d think this would calm everybody down and solve some problems but nope. Instead, Loki summons his army of giants because the time for subtlety is fucking over. This causes Hela to summon her army of the undead to arrive and then the Norn Queen arrives with her army of Norns (whatever that means.) and suddenly there’s a massive battle in the middle of this canyon with the X-Gardians and a few Asgard guys caught in the middle. It’s an epic heavy metal mutant clusterfuck featuring angry skeletons! This comic is awesome!

Soundtrack provided by Led Zeppelin.
Soundtrack provided by Led Zeppelin.

Hela takes a shot at murdering Storm again but then former New Mutant and current Valkerie Danni Moonstar arrives on her flying horse and arrows her former boss. Then Cannoball arrives with an army of dwarves and Wolfsbane with an army of wolf… dudes and now we have a giant battle featuring evil skeletons AND werewolves and flying horses and they might as well have painted this issue on the side of a van!

I saw a werewolf getting a mead at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect.
I saw a werewolf getting a mead at Trader Vic’s. His hair was perfect.

During the battle, Cannonball’s father-in-law and Wolfsbane’s husband are both killed which sucks for them. What sucks less is a massive team-up with Thor, Danni, Magik, Storm and a bunch of others to straight up murder Hela. Danni tells everyone that Hela will rest in Valhalla which I’m sure she’s overjoyed about and then Danni takes her place as the Goddess of Death. Actually, with the giant insane war over, it’s promotions for everyone. Thor returns to Earth* but leaves Storm in charge, Cannoball becomes ruler of the Dwarves, Wolfsbane queen of the Wolf Dudes and Nightcrawler joins the Warriors Three when Fandrall quits to marry Rogue. And if you think I wouldn’t kill to read comics about the Warriors Three that featured Nightcrawler, you do not know me at all.

"Hey, Nightcrawler, aren't you a devout Catholic? Isn't it kind of weird that you basically gave all that up to hang out with Viking gods?" "Dude. SWORDS."
“Hey, Nightcrawler, aren’t you a devout Catholic? Isn’t it kind of weird that you basically gave all that up to hang out with Viking gods?” “Dude. SWORDS.”

And finally, Loki gets a promotion as well. He is brought before the thrones of Those Who Sit Above In Shadow, the Gods of the Asgardian Gods. This whole dumb deal with the X-Men came about because the Those promised Loki power to rule the nine worlds if he would do a good deed on Earth. That seems pretty simple, right? Like, pull a kitten out of a tree or something? But Loki decided to use it to screw with the X-Men instead. He stands before Those and tries the whole “Check it out, humans be ruling Asgard now. That’s gotta be a good thing, right?”

“It sure is, Loki. You did a great job and aren’t an asshole at all, so we’ll give you dominion over the whole Nine Realms.”

“No foolin’?” Loki replies.

“Nah.” Those say. “We cool.”

And then they send Loki to the end of time where he can rule the desolate remains of the ravages of the universe for what remains of Eternity.

“Suck a dick, Loki!” Say Those Who Sit Above In Shadows.

 

*Midgard.

What If Thor and Odin Had The Universe’s Largest Pissing Contest?

So, once upon a time, a blonde thunder god named Thor fell in love with a nurse named Jane Foster. They dated for a while and finally Thor asked his asshole dad, Odin, for permission to marry Jane. Odin said that was fine and Jane acended up to Asgard where Odin made her a goddess with a stupid hat. Asgard runs on similar rules to Agraba apparently.

New, dumpy raiment.

So Jane took her new God powers for a spin and almost crashed into a building because she had no faith in the powers Odin gave her. Sweetie, meeting GOD is exactly the sort of thing that should instil you with MORE faith. Or really, any pantheon in the Marvel Universe. They all exist!  Unless you’re Christian, I guess. Then you are shit out of luck.

“Sorry, it’s my first time flying. I’m not used to this.”

If you haven’t been paying attention to every issue of Thor ever published, Odin is a well-known enourmous douchebag, and he takes Jane’s lack of faith as a personal insult because OF COURSE HE DOES. Now, let’s see… what’s a reasonable course of action to take for your son’s fiancee disappointing you? How about locking her in a closet with a fear demon? Brilliant! It’ll be a fun story to tell the kids someday.

“Family tradition states that we lock you in the fear closet overnight. See you tomorrow!”

Unfortunately for true love, Jane fails miserably because unfortunately Jane kinds of sucks. Man, I miss Thordis. You guys remember Thordis? Odin gives Jane the boot because she’s a disappointment, like everything else Thor has ever done, but he gets her a sweet job back on Earth because I guess Odin has hiring/firing authority in Earth hospitals? Meanwhile, Thor starts dating Lady Sif because women are basically interchangable.

“So much better than ol’ whatsername!”

That’s how it happened in our reality but gaze with me, mortals. Gaze with me and a Watcher who looks like he was played by Alfred Hitchcock into a world where Thor decides to turn this already bizarre little argument into a FULL-ON CIVIL WAR IN ASGARD. As Odin’s about to literally cast Jane out of paradise, Thor speaks up saying how it isn’t fair, Dad. Why can’t you ever just get along with one of my girlfriends JEEZ, I wish I was never born. Only with a lot more ‘thees’ and ‘thous’. Odin invokes the “If you’re under my roof, you’ll do what I say” rule and throws Thor’s stuff on the lawn. Then he banishes the two love birds to Earth. He may take Jane’s powers back or he may not. I have no idea because Jane is basically out of the story now.

Thor goes to the Avengers to ask them for help killing his dad. He tells them Odin’s been possessed by evil or something which is an outright lie but anything for love, I guess. All of the Avengers join in except for Quicksilver because… well, because Quicksilver sucks.

This year’s movie darling, ladies and gentlemen!

Back in Asgard, Odin meets with his vizier. In any other piece of literature ever in history, this would be bad news because there has never once been a trustworthy vizier. This guy’s alright, however. He tries to convince Odin that maybe trying to kill his son over some girl isn’t exactly the best course of action but Odin has more sensible plans like putting Loki in charge of his army. “For against one son, what better weapon then another son?” Odin clearly learned about parenting from watching “Arrested Development.”

I cannot conceive of any universe ever where this could possibly be a good idea.

The Avengers have also arrived in Asgard where they travel to Thor’s house and meet with the vizier who has left Odin’s camp for Thor’s. Huh. I guess you CAN’T trust this vizier after all. While Thor has himself a little army of Asgardians who support him and his love for Jane, the vizier advises that Thor let the Avengers do most of the fighting. So that the people least involved in this stupid war will take the most casualties. Thor agrees and the two level the Avengers up so they will be powerful enough to battle gods. Captain America, for example, is given a magical sword. And Goliath is given the ability to become slightly taller than usual.

No jokes, I just think this is funny.

The war finally begins and we get a pretty bitchin’ splash page of the Avengers going to town on some Asgardian fools. And, as far away from awesome things as possible, Jane cries and gets a stern lecture from Heimdall. This is getting embarrassing.

“Oh, so it’s all MY fault?”

Iron Man decides this whole war thing is moronic (He’s right.) and compares it to his time in Vietnam (He’s probably less right about that.). Then he fucks off to Odin’s palace to convince the enourmous beardo that possibly killing hundreds of your own subjects over your son’s girlfriend is maybe a stupid idea. Odin agrees and sends Iron Man back to Thor with a message of peace. Unfortunately at this point, General Loki shows up and stabs Iron Man in the fucking head. To death. Gee, maybe putting your GOD OF EVIL son in charge of YOUR FUCKING ARMY wasn’t such a hot idea, Odin. Who could have possibly seen this coming?

“Remember me… as… a… warmonger…”

Speaking of said god of evil, Loki sends one of his henchmen to do some sinister whispering in Odin’s ear. He convinces Odin to let Balder the Brave lead Odin’s army instead of Loki. Because, look, Loki’s done a great job of killing your son’s friend but… I mean, he’s also kind of a shit, right? Father of the Year Odin decides NOT to give his new favourite son the chance to prove himself finally and sends Balder to lead the army. While he does that, Loki’s henchman uses a magic glove to suck out Odin’s Odinpower and send it to Loki. Thus shall Loki steal Odin’s power, defeat Thor and conquer Asgard at long last! Or he would if the Wasp didn’t murder him with a wasp sting to the brain. Whoops.

“Fill my hat… with soup…”

Now Thor is REALLY pissed. He drags Iron Man’s corpse to Odin’s castle, ready to finally kill the old man. And with Odin’s power sucked out by Loki, he might actually do it. Odin pulls his last trump card, the Oversword, which will basically destroy Asgard. Also it is literally a giant sword.

Ppppphhppt… SERIOUSLY?

The vizier enters at this point and tells everyone to calm the fuck down, this is idiotic. Thor and Odin finally hash it out and Odin reveals that he was really just jealous of Thor’s new girlfriend. Well, that justifies a fucking war, doesn’t it? Some good DOES finally come out of all this though, as Thor finally moves out of his dad’s basement.

What If Jane Foster Found the Hammer of Thor?

We open on Jane Foster vacationing in Norway with her lame boss, Dr. Donald Blake. I say lame, because Don has a fucked up leg which he mentions constantly. Roughly the first half of this book consists of Don thinking “If only I wasn’t lame, I could be with Jane. But she could never love a man as lame as me.” Over in Jane’s brain, “If only Don knew I didn’t care how lame he is. His lameness is what made me fall in love with him.”

Alas the two young idiots would never realize their love for each other, for at that moment, the hills of Norway are attacked by invading rock men from Saturn. Fucking typical. Jane and Don try to escape but Don is lame and drops his walking stick down a chasm. Jane goes after it and escapes into a cave. She tries to go through the cave so she can get behind the stone men and maybe save Don but she’s blocked by a giant boulder.

Lucky for her, a found stick and the laws of physics may allow her to escape. Unfortunately, it’s a very, very big boulder so she tries beating it to death instead. For once, trying to beat up a giant rock doesn’t solve anyone’s problems but it does release the magic that was hidden in the stick, restoring its original form. With a crash of lightning or possibly thunder, the stupid stick is transformed into Mjolnier, the difficult to spell hammer of Thor! And Jane is transformed into the less difficult to spell person of Thor. Or… Lady Thor, I guess. A big amazon chick in leather and a steel bra. This may be What If’s best selling issue yet.

Jane realizes that she suddenly has all of the powers of Thor and decides that it would be a good idea to call herself Thordis. It isn’t and this is a terrible name but that’s not important right now, there are boulders to be thrown at aliens.

Thordis meets up with Don back on the surface where he a) attempting to not be murdered, b) worrying about the would-be girlfriend he lost down a hole and c) continuing to complain about how lame he is. A true hero. Thordis beats the shit out of the stone men, sending them running back to their ship to leave Earth and Marvel Comics forever.* 

Thordis turns back into Jane and then hooks up with Don and they leave Norway just as the military shows up to battle the Saturn Men. “Something defeated those Rock Guys before we got here.” They say in perfect synchronization. “But what? Surely not that lame doctor or the attractive skirt on his shoulder.”

At this point, we leave scenic Midgard** behind and travel across the rainbow bridge of Asgard where Thor’s gross brother Loki is stuffed in a tree. So, first things first, this is late 70s Marvel so we are not talking about pants-creamingly beautiful  Tom Hiddleston Loki. This is classic Loki, the one who looks like the sad end of a sick Llama. And yes, Odin shoved him into a tree for a billion years because of… well, he probably did something. He’s fucking Loki. Anyway, Loki is stuck in his maple scented jail until someone will cry for him. He frees himself by using all of his godly powers to poke some dude in the eye with a leaf. Boom. Instant tears, he is out of there. Back to the important business of plotting against Thor. Hope he’s not a girl now.

Back on Earth, Don and Jane are out for a stroll when they come across some unfortunate people who have been rendered negative. I’m not sure why this is a bad thing… like, I guess it’s too bad that they’re black and white now but I really don’t understand what the problem is. Jane ducks into an alley to bang her enchanted hairbrush (Oh, yeah. She had the ancient magical stick whittled into an hairbrush because she’s a girl, I guess?) against a wall and turns into Thordis. Thordis uses her amazing power of spinning a hammer to shoot particles at the negative people until the day is saved. Great job!

At this point, Loki reveals himself to Thordis as an ugly dope in a bad suit who has been hiding in the crowd. He turned those people negative as a way to lure Thor out and is now surprised to see that she is a pretty lady. “Okay,” says Loki. “You’re not Thor. But you’re like Thor. And Thor-like people are enemies to Lokis!” Then he uses the sun reflecting off her hammer to hypnotise Thordis. This works for about a minute before Thordis gets bored and angry, beats Loki up, ties him to her hammer and throws him off the Empire State Building. He lands in Asgard for some reason, instead of like… the ground.

Loki goes running to Odin the All-Father because he’s a shitty tattletale to tell everyone that Thor has returned to Earth.Odin summons Jane to Asgard but gets pissed off when she arrives. Odin explains that Thor was a real arrogant, proud shithead so Odin had him banished to Earth in the body of Don Blake. He hid Thor’s hammer as a stick, knowing that, when Don found it, he’d be worthy to be Thor again. Unfortunately, this elaborate plan backfired when Jane found the stupid thing instead. And that’s why you don’t teach lessons. So now, they’re all stuck with Thordis and the real Thor is stuck in the body of Don Blake, unaware of his destiny. Whoops.

So Odin gets pissed (No shock there.) and boots Jane out of Asgard. Which is fine by her because everyone is a dick and the Warriors Three keep sexually harrassing her. Thordis gets back to the serious business of kicking all sorts of ass and also joining the Avengers. It’s pretty awesome for everyone. Everyone except poor stupid lame Don Blake.

Don’s treating himself to a sad limp by the ocean when he spies a girl drowning. Throwing his self-pity to the wind, he dives into the sea and saves her. It’s Sif, ex-girlfriend of Thor, who followed Jane back to Earth to get herself up on some of that lame guy dick. Sif throws herself at Don, but can never tell him exactly why she has fallen for him, due to Odin’s stupid lesson. She also heals Don’s leg so that outta shut him up.

Sif and Don go out on the town only to be attacked by Loki. In his greatest evil plan yet, Loki, god of tricks, master of lies and a villain known for his great cunning… tries to beat Don and Sif with a big stick. Please keep in mind that the stick is actually heavier than Loki is. As are Loki’s shoes. Dude is not phyically impressive. Still, he manages to knock Sif out. Then Don drops a coat on his head.

Thordis shows up to return Loki to Asgard and then she and Don take Sif to surgery to recover from her stick attack. She pulls through just in time for Ragnarok to arrive. Isn’t that always the fucking way? Thordis, Sif and Don all return to Asgard to help stop the end of the world. They find Asgard being attacked by MANGOG, THE GIANT KICK-ASS LOOKING MONSTER WHO TRIES TO UNSHEATH THE MIGHTY ODINSWORD. He fails miserably when Odin shows up and tell him to knock it off.

So ragnarok is prevented, Loki is banished (again.) and the day is once again saved. Odin shows up and gives Don Blake Thordis’ hammer because… I guess he proved himself worthy. So now he gets to be Thor again. Sorry, Jane. You were actually a pretty fucking great super hero but this blonde idiot wants his hammer back so sorry, I guess. He’s also reunited with Sif so good for them.

As for Jane’s reward, Odin turns her into an actual goddess with a big stupid hat. Then, because there are no other characters to hook up with, Odin asks to marry her. (Don’t worry, the Watcher informs us that Odin’s not married in this universe for whatever fucking reason.) Which is fucking gross for a variety of reasons, least of which because they barely know each other and last time they met, he threw her out because she wasn’t a dude. But whatever! Enough super heroics! Get in the kitchen and make me an Odinsandwich! Sigh.

 

* Or until Planet Hulk, True Believers! -Smilin’ Stan, er, Matt.

**Earth, as is Thor comic tradition.