Tag Archives: It’s only a model

What If Disco Tamed The Heart Of Galactus? Also Iron Man Just Can’t Wait To Be King.

Back in the 80s, Disco sensation and X-Man Dazzler was kind of a big deal. Shocking, I know but here we are. Apparently, Dazzler (AKA Alison Blaire who, with her mutant ability to convert sound into light defends a world that hates and fears her as a member of the Uncanny X-Men! Sorry, Claremonting a bit there. Won’t happen again.) was such a big deal that she was actually kidnapped into space by Galactus’ computer.

Definitely as impressive a power as shooting lasers out of your eyes or controlling the weather.
Definitely as impressive a power as shooting lasers out of your eyes or controlling the weather.

According to the computer, there was nobody more likely in the entire fucking universe to defeat Galactus’ former herald-turned-world-conquering-asshole Terrax*. Yeah, I wouldn’t have pinned all my hopes on a pop star who can create strobelights either but I also haven’t been alive since the universe before this one so what do I know?

“Alright, Terrax! Now YOU’RE gonna feel the beat of the tamborine!”

In regular continuity, after Terrax has his ass whipped by Dancing Queen, he resumes working for Galactus at reduced pay and Dazzler gets sent home to her surprisingly popular solo series. Seriously, I have no idea how this thing sold back in the day. She got an ongoing series before fucking WOLVERINE did.

Anyway, then an uncharacteristically stout Watcher shows up to reveal our alternate reality of the week. What if Galactus took a shine to Dazzler and made her his new herald? So Galactus kicks Terrax into a black hole because seriously fuck that asshole and his big stone beard. Terrax’s axe disappears and will definitely not be important later on so don’t worry about that. Then Galactus turns to his robot buddy, R-11 and tells him to start fitting Dazzler for a company uniform.

“I feel like it’s hard for you to take me seriously when I have to yell at your ankle.”

Surprising no one, Dazzler’s not particularly interested in helping giant purple spaceman (Have I used that one before? I’m running out of ways to make fun of Galactus and he shows up in What If a LOT.) murder trillions of people. R-11’s able to convince her to stick around when he mentions that, if she becomes the new Herald, Galactus probably won’t eat Earth. Which has been a recurring problem on Earth for a while now.

Galactus endows Dazzler with the Power Cosmic, which allows her total control over all light as well as the ability to roller skate across the universe. I’d like to stop and mock this concept here, but is this really any stupider than a silver bald guy who surfs through space?

Still cooler than the Black Racer though.

Yes. It really is.

So time (a LOT of time) passes and Dazzler travels the universe, finding uninhabited planets for Galactus to eat. Galactus begins to soften in his demeanour, at one point refusing to devour a planet that Dazzler picked out before she knew it had life. Everything is basically going as well as it possibly could for a planet eating space god and his disco-clad best friend when a fleet of warships piloted by remnants of races Galactus had murdered shows up seeking revenge.

The warships zap Dazzler with a ray guy built from the remains of Terrax’s tear axe, badly injuring her and forcing her to return to Galactus to warn him of the attacking fleet. Who are trying to get justice for their butchered worlds. I’m not really sure I’m cheering for the right team here.

“Have to… warn my… genocidal boss…”

The fleet catches up to Galactus but their attempts to zap him with the Terrax gun fails miserably because it’s fucking Galactus. The only thing that can kill him is shitty comics writers trying to make their new bad guy characters look impressive by having them take out the scariest guy in the universe, Mark Millar I’m looking at you. Galactus destroys the fleet (Again, why is this a good thing?) and then revives Dazzler. After Dazzler chews him out for killing all those people, Galactus fires her and sends her home to Earth. Unfortunately for Dazzler, Earth is an utterly destroyed long dead wasteland with not a single record store so she returns to her work with Galactus, hoping to someday make him a better person, despite his many genocides.

“I refuse to live on a planet ruled by lazy skeletons.”

That done, we travel back to Camelot and a classic Iron Man story (I am told, having not actually read it yet.). During a battle over… I don’t know, land or something, Iron Man and Doctor Doom are sent back in time. Iron Man unites with King Arthur, star of Spamalot! while Doom teams up with Morgana Le Fey (AKA Darkwing Duck’s girlfriend.) Eventually, Stark and Doom are forced to work together and they both return home. But what if Doom betrayed Tony because he’s Doctor fucking Doom and he’s an asshole? What then?

More like "Victor von Douche", am I right? You don't need to answer that. I'm right.
More like “Victor von Douche”, am I right? You don’t need to answer that. I’m right.

What then is that Tony heads back to Camelot with his armor damaged and next to no power. He spends some time wallowing in depression and considering seeing how drunk a man can get on booze from the middle ages. (If you’re wondering at home, it’s drunk enough to write songs featuring the words ‘hey-nonny-nonny.’) Then Morgana Le Fey appears in astral form or possibly as a hologram to let Tony know that barbarians are attacking and giving Stark the much needed boot to the ass to stop sucking so badly.

Demon in a bejeweled flask.
Demon in a bejeweled flask.

After laying into the barbarians and making me wish for a comic where Iron Man fights Conan, Stark returns to Camelot and Arthur knights him. This is by far the best outcome for anyone trapped in time, especially since (somehow) Tony doesn’t end up fucking Arthur’s wife.

"By Crom, I wish I were stalking the 20th century!"
“By Crom, I wish I were stalking the 20th century!”

Not long after, Morganna sends an evil crow with a warning to the round table. Her son Mordred is on his way to overthrow Camelot. Luckily, Camelot has put all of its eggs in a single basket and assumes that Iron Man will easily save the day while the King and his knights watch from a nearby cliff and mock Mordred’s army. It’s obviously the best plan ever until Tony gets stabbed in the ARC reactor with a knife made from Excalibur. Somehow. Tony drops like a drunk mustache guy in an expensive suit of mechanical armor.

Here is a dude who really, REALLY likes skulls.
Here is a dude who really, REALLY likes skulls.

Tony awakens not long after back at Camelot. The kingdom is under siege and Tony’s armor is busted. Luckily for him, there’s just enough time to pull an “Army of Darkness” and cobble together some steampunk armor for himself in the castle’s basement. He also builds a robot hand which makes infinitely more sense than Ash’s ever did.

Armor built, Iron Man attacks Mordred’s army, beating them back. Unfortunately, this is not before Mordred and kill one another. With his dying breath, Arthur makes Tony Stark king of the Britons. Which I don’t think is how royal succession works but whatever. We leave the story with the Watcher assuring us that King Tony’s reign led to over a thousand years of peace in England. Which I don’t really buy considering I remember how the dumbass ran SHIELD.

Many wars and feuds did Tony fight. Honor and fear were heaped upon his name and, in time, he became a king by his own hand... And this story shall also be told.
Many wars and feuds did Tony fight. Honor and fear were heaped upon his name and, in time, he became a king by his own hand… And this story shall also be told.



*Previously seen being a world conquering asshole in Forbidden to Interfere #27, True Believers!