Tag Archives: Dr Strange

What If Captain Marvel Gave The Universe Cancer?

Okay, first things first, sorry fans of Carol Danvers but this title refers to Mar-Vell, the original Captain Marvel. Carol is exactly nowhere in this issue. I know, I was disappointed too. I don’t know much about Captain Marvel other than that he’s been pretty consistently dead since 1982. I also know he died of cancer and his last moments were in bed surrounded by grieving super-heroes which is a pretty ballsy way to send a character to meet his maker. It’s like the exact opposite of the Flash running to save the multiverse.

What... uh... what's up with your face there, buddy?
What… uh… what’s up with your face there, buddy?

This issue gives us a little more info. Mar-Vell was a Kree soldier who invaded Earth (Presumedly with his friends Dee-Cee, Dar-Korse, Im-Age and IDW the Infinite Dynamo Warrior.). Then he realized he really liked the place and became a superhero instead. Then he got Cosmic Awareness from a moldy sandwich with a face and a bomb exploded him with cancer. Just a day in the life of the average 70s space hero!

God, can you imagine the smell of this thing? Old dog and wet bread.
God, can you imagine the smell of this thing? Old dog and wet bread.

In our universe, he died in a pretty great original graphic novel I haven’t read since the sixth grade but in this issue of What If, Mar-Vell knows that the best form of prevention is early detection and meets up with Dr Strange and Thor’s alter-ego Donald Blake. Reed Richards is also there but he’s the only one who doesn’t have a medical degree so who really cares what he thinks?

"Nobody is impressed, Stephen. Nobody."
“Nobody is impressed, Stephen. Nobody.”

Using a combination of superhero science and banishing Mar-Vell to a magic universe where there is no time, the League of Super Doctors are able to cure the Kree warrior of his cancer. This is good news because Plan B was for Marv to make crystal meth and sell it to the aliens of the Marvel Universe. It was gonna be called Breaking Brood.

Anyway, a delighted Mar-Vell returns to the moon of Titan to retire from superheroing with his wife or possibly girlfriend Elysius. This lasts for about ten seconds.

“I’ve gotten a second chance at life.” He tells Elysius. “I should probably do something important.”

“Like what?” Elysius asks him.

“I dunno. Ending the Kree/Skrull War and bringing eternal peace to the galaxy sounds like a pretty good start.”

With that, Marvel hatches a plan with other Titan guy Mentor to use something called the Omni-Wave to basically threaten the Kree and Skrull empires into peace. Because nothing makes peace happen like mutually assured destruction. That shit is in HISTORY BOOKS.

Marvel does okay at first, at the very least driving the Kree and Skrull to start attacking HIM instead of each other but that kind of crap can only last so long before everyone starts getting damned fed up with it.

This means absolutely nothing. People in media are always just coughing for no reason. Just like in real life!
This means absolutely nothing. People in media are always just coughing for no reason. Just like in real life!

Back on Earth, the cessation of battle between the Kree and the Skrull, as well as the continued use of the Omni-Wave attracts the attention of the Silver Surfer. The Surfer’s been trapped on Earth since Galactus banished him here during his first attack. Now, with the whole universe in trouble maybe, it’s probably time to give serious consideration to getting the hell off this stupid planet. The Surfer visits Reed Richards but Reed’s real busy with the plague of cancer that’s suddenly appearing all over earth. Literally everyone has it except Rick Fucking Jones, the little shit and ain’t that always the way?

The Silver Prancer
The Silver Prancer

Everybody pretty quickly deduces that Captain Marvel is the reason for the season of death and so they sneak the Silver Surfer off of Earth by giving him a lift through Asgard. Screw you, Galactus. That’s called line jumping.

Finally free of early 90s Earth and its love of hot pink neon, the Surfer heads straight for Marvel who has managed to spread his cancer across both the Skrull and the Kree. Which I guess IS putting an end to their centuries long war so… good job, Cap? Even though they’re both good guys and also friends, Captain Marvel sees the Surfer flying towards him and attacks because this is a superhero book and we’ve got to have a couple of tussles before we can get to the actual point.

Yeah, here comes a guy who just wants to talk. YOUR EYES ARE ON FIRE, NORRIN.
Yeah, here comes a guy who just wants to talk. YOUR EYES ARE ON FIRE, NORRIN.

Back on Earth, the Thing succumbs to his cancer and dies. If that weren’t depressing enough, Reed figures out the cure for the disease roughly a minute later. He realizes that, because of his time in the Negative Zone bonded to Marvel, Rick Jones’ blood contains… I don’t know, antibodies or mitichlorians or something. The good news is that they can begin making a cure almost immediately. The bad news is that they don’t cure everybody by tossing Rick into an oversized novelty blender and forcing everyone on Earth to bathe in his innards.

Listen, guys, I really don’t care for Rick Jones.

Back in space, Marvel and the Surfer have wailed on each other for the recommended amount of time and now can start having honest discussions. The Surfer fills Marv in on what’s been happening re: Marvel bringing about total universal extinction and Marvel gets all dramatic and upset. As well he should. He killed the Thing! Everyone loves that guy. My MOM loves that guy.

Man, it always depresses me when the Thing dies. Poor bastard.
Man, it always depresses me when the Thing dies. Poor bastard.

Just then, Doctor Strange teleports in with that good news about the cure. Even now, Rick Jones blood is being shipped all over every place. Except for the Kree and Skrull Empires which are both mostly dead. Hooray! Universal peace! Unfortunately, to keep his airborne cancer from spreading, Doctor Strange banishes Marvel to that magic timeless universe again where he can’t infect anyone. But he’s a nice guy so he also banishes Elysium so they can timeless bone for eternity. Hooray!

This is what we like to call a sketch universe. You take it to a con and get someone to draw the universe for you.
This is what we like to call a sketch universe. You take it to a con and get someone to draw the universe for you.

What If Wolverine Ate Some Babies?

We open right smack-dab in the middle of Inferno, a demonic invasion of New York that, to cut a very, very long story short, resulted because Cyclops is not a great husband. The combined teams of the X-Men and X-Factor battle Cyclops’ ex-wife, Madelyne Pryor and S’ym, a demon who is definitely not the Earth-Pig Born, that’s for darn sure.

Easily the most dead babies every to appear in Marvel book.
Easily the most dead babies every to appear in Marvel book.

Whilst in our regular reality, Maddie is defeated by Jean Grey because that always happens (Poor Maddie.), in this new universe FUCKING EVERYONE FUCKING DIES. Except Wolverine because even S’ym knows how much of a money maker THAT dude is. Instead he gets a much pointier mask, standard evil accoutrements and oh yeah, STARTS EATING BABIES. The earth is overrun by demons, monsters and evil building with mouths.

"I'm the best there is at what I do and what I do is probably the worst thing ever."
“I’m the best there is at what I do and what I do is probably the worst thing ever.”

While this is going on, we cut to the Federal Bank Reserve which has so far remained untouched by Maddie’s demonic army. I guess demons hate… finance? A small resistance cell made up of Dr Strange, Baron Mordo, the Human Torch,Thor, Kitty Pryde, She-Hulk, Spider-Maaand never mind the rest of them just got massacred.

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“HULK SMASH FOR GLORY OF SATAN.”

 

A bunch of demonic soldiers led by Wolverine and the Hulk bust through the vault, having finally overcome their fear of gold. Good for them! After some fighting and a whole lot of people getting stabbed through the back by Wolverine so their costume bulges out the front but there’s no blood or anything (an attack that was extremely popular in the 90s.), Thor provides a distraction by exploding himself and what’s left of the team escapes.

"Whosoever hold this hammer, if he be pink..."
“Whosoever hold this hammer, if he be pink…”

Next we cut to the Baxter Building where a demonically possessed Reed Richards and Dr Doom are finally getting along. They’ve been working on a device for Maddie and S’ym to spread Maddie’s demonic influence across the multiverse (Making this a much less interesting column to write unless you REALLY like Inferno.) and extinguish male lights throughout the universe. Unfortunately for them, they’re on a bit of a time crunch, due to the inevitable arrival of the Living Tribunal who you may recall bailing on an entire universe back when Korvac annihilated literally everything. If he arrives before S’ym can enslave the universe, the Tribunal will destroy the entire Earth. Which sucks for people who live there.

Meanwhile, the unstabbed remnants of Team Strange have set up shop at the Daily Bugle, hoping for sanctuary now that Spider-Man is dead. Luckily for them, it doesn’t particularly matter since J Jonah Jameson is now digging for building cavities in City Hall’s new teeth. Strange detects an incredibly powerful new source of energy. It turns out it’s Rachel Summers, Cyclops and Jean Grey’s daughter from an alternate future where that makes sense! She’s apparently been transformed into a mannequin by S’ym, lord of hell and also weird fetishes. Luckily Strange has a counter spell for that. For some reason. He returns her to normal and they reunite with the team.

This is gonna get me so many hits from the Mannequin TF Boards.
This is gonna get me so many hits from the Mannequin TF Boards.

Now that they have Rachel on their team, Strange explains his plan to summon the Phoenix Force back to Earth, a plan which has never failed ever in the history of the Marvel Universe. Once Rachel has control of the Phoenix, she can burn all demonic life from the planet. Which, yes, will likely kill billions of possessed people but it’s the Phoenix Force so this isn’t exactly news.

Unfortunately, at this point we get a complete repeat of act one as Evil Wolverine, S’ym, Maddie and an army of more demons bust in and start slaughtering people. Again. (I get the feeling this is a comic I would have really enjoyed when I was ten. Evil Wolverine. Demons. Kitty Pryde. Stabbings. Everybody getting murdered. Maddie wearing almost nothing. It’s like a Spawn comic without the disadvantage of having Spawn in it.) It turns out that Baron Mordo has sold the team out because of course he has. He’s Baron fucking Mordo, the Starscream of the Marvel Universe. Mordo murders the Human Torch who sacrifices the last of his energy to attack his foes with a Nova Blast. Which does not work even a little.

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“No! It’s impossible! We literally just did this!”

 

Rachel manages to contact the Phoenix Force, not realizing that there’s someone else on Earth with a bit of a passing familiarity with that thing. It’s Maddie! And the last thing she needs is control of a genocidal murder bird in addition to everything else.

Telepathic laser bird battles in the Mighty Marvel Manner!
Telepathic laser bird battles in the Mighty Marvel Manner!

Kitty attacks Wolverine who claws her fucking stomach open. As he watches his friend die, Wolverine feels the last of his humanity drain away (One would have thought a steady diet of newborn babies would have done the trick but what do I know?) He goes into a berserker rage and murdors Mordo just as Mordo kills S’ym in a double reverse Starscream. Unfortunately for our baby devouring hero, Mordo takes Wolvie with him, burning the flesh from his adamantium skeleton.

This is the dickiest looking skeleton I've ever seen.
This is the dickiest looking skeleton I’ve ever seen.

Rachel attacks Maddie but then Maddie gets backstabbed by S’ym possessing Wolverine’s skeleton because not even total disintegration can stop THAT sales juggernaut. Rachel manages to finally take control of the Phoenix Force and wipes out all demonic influence from the earth (including Ghost Rider probably.) Then the Phoenix leaves Earth forever, briefly meeting up with the Living Tribunal who was just on his way over to kill everybody.

Meanwhile, Earth has returned to a stone age level of technology and Dr Strange and Rachel deliver Johnny Storm and Alicia Masters’ baby. Oh! And Strange has an eyepatch for this entire story for some reason. Nobody mentions it but it looks cool as hell.

Eyepatch!
Eyepatch!

 

What If Stephen Strange Was A Doctor… Of Learning?

Looks like it’s another Dr. Strange adventure here at Forbidden To Interfere this week. This time the gross shirtless Watcher asks… what if Dr Strange WASN’T the Sorcerer Supreme? Which, I can’t help thinking is the plot of every What If that Dr. Strange appears in. Except of course the six issue “What If J. Michael Strazynski wrote Dr Strange And Thought It Was The Matrix?” Wait, no, that was a real thing.

"BEHOLD THE GLISTENING NIPPLES OF UATU THE WATCHER!"
“BEHOLD THE GLISTENING NIPPLES OF UATU THE WATCHER!”

Our story begins shortly before Doc is in his hand smooshing car accident. We travel deep into the mountains of Tibet where legendary scumbag Baron Mordo (No one who calls themselves ‘Baron’ can ever be anything but evil. Apologies to any Barons reading this but you know I’m right.) has been training with his master, the Ancient One for many years. One night, as he attempts to pry into deadly secrets that mankind must never know, he is assaulted by thousands of tentacles from another dimension before the camera mercifully cuts away.

Whelp.
Whelp.

The next day, the Ancient One remarks on how much less evil Mordo’s been acting today. Mordo agrees. He’s SO much less interested in evil and way into being a little kiss-ass now instead. The Ancient One remarks that somebody new will be visiting them today. Someone with a great deal of potential. It’s Doctor Strange! Mordo asks (with only a little twinge of jealousy.) if Strange will be the Ancient One’s new disciple but the Ancient One pats him lovingly on the head. “Nonsense. You’ve been not evil for almost… let’s see here, twelve hours. No, I’m backing the Mordo train one hundred percent!”

The Ancient One's bed is covered in students like it's a party at my grandparent's house.
The Ancient One’s bed is covered in student’s coats like it’s a party at my grandparent’s house.

Sure enough, Dr Strange arrives, begging the Ancient One to fix his hands with his magical bullshit. Instead, the Ancient One has Strange stay for a few months while Strange learns the arts of believing in himself and not being a raging asshole. Eventually, Strange returns home. He’s no more magical but he is genuinely happy for the first time in years. And isn’t that the real reward? This will be a fine philosophy to have until Doc starts losing his mind in a few months. More on that later.

The Ancient One, satisfied that Mordo’s training is complete, sends him to New York where he can be Sorcerer Supreme and prepare for the coming of Dread Dormammu, lord of chaos. “Oh shit, did I not mention Dread Dormammu, lord of Chaos was coming?” asks the Ancient One, nervously wringing his collar. “Yeah, you’re gonna need to go to the Dark Dimensions and deal with that.”

Upon arriving in the Dark Dimensions, Mordo almost instantly encounters Clea. In our regular continuity, Clea’s Dr Strange’s occasional lady-friend and sorceress. Here’s she’s just some woman who lives in the Dark Dimensions. She tries to give Mordo a hand and he hypnotises her pretty much instantly. Dick.

Baron Mordo: Douche Supreme.
Baron Mordo: Douche Supreme.

Clea reveals to Mordo the realm of the Mindless One, giant unstoppable monsters who, if released will rampage across the Dark Dimensions. Dormammu has spent a great deal of his strength imprisoning them so it’s too bad when Mordo gives the door a boot. Now, the good news is that Mordo’s a helpful sort and perfectly willing to lend Dormammu a hand shoving those rocky bastards back into their prison. The bad news is that now Dormammu owes Mordo a life debt like so much Chewbacca and he’s gotta stay out of the Earth Realm (as they’d say in Mortal Kombat.). Also Mordo is a total dick about it. Dude, you do not Nyeah Nyeah at the demonic master of a hell dimension. Where were you raised?

I was overcome with the need to post Mindless One pictures from Nextwave but no. No no no.
I was overcome with the need to post Mindless One pictures from Nextwave but no. No no no.

Time passes and Dormammu sends unimpressive mystical hit men after Mordo. They show up, fire the odd magic missile and are then sent to the cornfield as the Ancient One piles praise and ancient treasures upon Mordo in equal measure. Unbeknownst to the Ancient One however, as soon as he hangs up the mental phone, Mordo is on the other line with the faceless evil menace he’s been working behind the scenes with. Who could have seen this betrayal coming? Nobody, that’s who.

"What was that, Mordo?" "Uh, NOTHING. Nothing."
“What was that, Mordo?” “Uh, NOTHING. Nothing.”

Meanwhile, Stephen Strange is going quietly, messily insane. Regularly plagued by horrible nightmares and the occasional attack by swarms of rats, he seeks out Baron Mordo’s place in Greenwich Village. After making some racist comments to Mordo’s manservant Wong, Strange finally meets with the Baron again. Mordo is suspiciously excited by the prospect of helping Stephen by exploring his nightmares. After having Wong fix him up with a glass of warm milk and the All-Seeing Teddy of Tiamat, Mordo sends Strange to dreamland and then follows after him.

Dick.
Dick.

They arrive in the usual Steve Ditkoesque mindscape and explore just long enough for Strange to get utterly terrified and confused before Mordo introduces the Doctor to Mordo’s boss. It’s Nightmare! The immortal personification of… nightmares! And also Marvel’s answer to Sandman but invented years earlier. Nightmare imprisons Stephen in a… dream bubble, I guess. And then he lays out his plan to join forces with Dormammu and rule Earth. “Hey, that’s great.” says Steve from his bubble. “Why am I here? I’m just a simple hand busted doctor who took a vacation to Tibet!”

Who could ever not trust that face?
Who could ever not trust that face?

Nightmare reveals that Strange has the potential for great mystical power which is a pretty stupid thing to tell the guy you’re afraid of. Dude just went from “I’m not important” to “I’m important enough that the personification of dreams and apparently green striped leotards needed to kidnap and bubble me.”

Mordo leaves to go poke Dormammu’s hornet’s nest some more. This time he happily releases Dormammu from his life debt, allowing the fiery headed asshole access to Earth where he promptly sets the sky on fire and begins apocalypsing.

Meanwhile, in magical realm of Slumberland, Stephen focuses all of his will on becoming a wizard, despite not believing in any of that crap. Eventually, his bubble is shattered by an owl delivering his letter from Hogwarts and he escapes. Unfortunately, he just escapes into an endless universe of weird floaty islands. Luckily at this point, Clea arrives looking for him. She’s apparently been having poor after-effects from the mindwipe Mordo gave her and has been drawn to Stephen’s goodness. They escape into dreams like teenagers in a late numbered Nightmare on Elm Street flick.

Ren Faire Strange comes with everything you see here.
Ren Faire Strange comes with everything you see here.

Back in Tibet, Mordo awaits attack by Dormammu. When the Chaos Lord finally appears, he basically fucking massacres Mordo. This leaves only the Ancient One behind to save the world. And that dude is so old, they had to put it in his name.  Dormammu puts that guy down like old chicken in a sink.

Unbeknownst to either of them, Mordo has actually returned to the Dream Dimension, having faked his own death as part of Nightmare’s plan. He reluctantly gives Nightmare the Eye of Agamotto and then flies off to kill Strange and Clea because he’s an asshole who can’t leave well enough alone. He finds the two trying to escape from one of Doc’s dreams and then apparently kills Clea. Having seen his new lady friend die, Strange suddenly releases all of his untrained latent magic powers in a single blast and kills Mordo. That done, he travels through a hole in reality back to Earth where Nightmare and Dormammu are reaching an extremely fair consensus over co-ruling the Earth. Still pissed over dead Clea, Strange blasts the two of them with all of his untrained latent magic powers in a single blast again. He vaporizes them both and then ages hundreds of years and dies. At which point, an apparently alive Clea mourns for him. Except then he’s young again and the Ancient One is offering to train him. Man, magic  is dumb and confusing.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

 

What If Doctor Strange Stayed A Huge Asshole?

fuckandyes:

This week we get back to comics about guys I know reasonably well. Like this fellow: Dr Stephen Strange! Master neurosurgeon and total dickwad until an drunken car accident destroyed the nerves in his hands but left the actual hands looking fine! Look how mad he is!

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Strange travelled the world searching for a cure until he heard tell of the Ancient One, a reasonably old man who lives in Tibet, doling out spiritual wisdom and fixed hands. With nothing to lose, Strange sought the Ancient One out, but instead of healing Strange, the Ancient One showed him a better way: AA. Also Strange became Earth’s Sorcerer Supreme, with all the benefits that role obviously entails.

But not so in this universe! For what if, our old pal Uatu asks, Strange had taken a different path. Behold, oh Tumblr followers, as Strange gives in to the whispers of the Ancient One’s mandatory evil student, Baron Mordo. Mordo, secret pawn of the Dread Firy-Headed Non-Ghost Rider: Dormammu! Dormammu sees potential in Strange and has Mordo heal his hands. Strange then returns to his life of an evil surgeon. Which is fine until he gets hit with a malpractice suit. Unfortunately for Strange, he’s also the only character in the Marvel Universe who DOESN’T hire Matt Murdock as his lawyer and inevitably loses the case. He storms out into the night, swearing revenge and is found by Mordo once again.

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The Ancient One watches all this through a crystal ball and shrugs. “I really had hope for that Strange guy. Too bad he’s evil now. WHELP. Whatever.”

Strange and Mordo and their sinister facial hair return to Castle Mordo where Strange’s training begins. Strange establishes himself as a quick study, taking to floating in a room cross-legged while reading a long scroll like a champ. Unbeknownst to him, he is watched by Dormammu’s sister: She-Dormammu! Also known as Umar the Unspeakable. Luckily for this Tumblr, it’s still reasonably writeable.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to all those people in the last paragraph, the Ancient One prepares for the inevitable coming battle with Dormammu. He first goes to Doctor Victor Von Doom, hoping to make Doom the new Sorcerer Supreme, but that’s a different issue of What If, so instead he gets a bunch of other famous magic guys together to save the world.

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And what a line up it is! Agatha Harkness! Dr. Druid! Genghis the Senile Magician! Zatara! Baron Winter! Dr. Fate! John Constantine!  (It turns out I know waaaaaay more DC magic guys than Marvel. Thanks a lot, old issues of Swamp Thing.) The Ancient One shows the wizards his trump card, the Eye of Agamotto! It’s a big-ass gold eye that lets you talk to Eternity. In this case, Eternity is a big silhouette dude full of planets. He’s basically the representation of the Marvel Universe which means he really outta look like Jack Kirby, but whatever.

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Back at Team Bad Guys, Strange is summoned in the night by Dormmamu, who tells him that the time has come to kill Baron Mordo. Which is a bit of a dick move since they’re all living at Mordo’s house rent-free. Strange uses evil magicks to turn Mordo into a burning set of his own clothes. Or disintegrate him. Whatever.

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Umar watches all this and decides it is time to strike, appearing to Strange in a dream begging him to free and comes to work for her. Strange does so for the possibility of more power, like some evil but yet-unjailed Tim Allen. At this point, it looks like everyone is pretty much completely prepared to betray everyone else. It’s getting all Shakespearean up in this bitch.

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Meanwhile, the Ancient One gathers his Magic Men in an attempt to contact Eternity for help. Unfortunately, Strange uses this moment to attack the summoning with an army of mist ninjas. It’s… really fucking cool.

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Dr Druid panics because he’s not a real doctor and begins a different ritual. Gengis the Senile Magician (Bet you thought I made him up!) joins in because he’s fucking nuts and everyone is sucked into the Eye of Agamotto.

The Magic Men escape but Strange is thrown through one of those kick-ass old Ditko looking magical plane things and finds himself face-to-literally everything ever with Eternity. Then Strange does what any of us would do when staring down the actual Universe. He picks a fight with it. Luckily for him, Eternity’s not terribly interested and sends him back to Earth instead.

Strange arrives pissed off and embarrassed. “How DARE the universe not be destroyed by me!” He yells at a flower, knowing Eternity will get the message. He demands Dormammu give him the power he needs to kill Eternity. Dormammu says no. Not because he, you know, needs to live in the universe but because it’s not time to do so yet. It really feels like nobody is thinking this plan through.

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Back at the ranch, the Ancient One and his Magic Men are recovering from their failed visit to Eternity and they still need help. The Ancient One summons his masters, the Vishanti, for advice and they tell him what to do: Send the Eye of Agamotto to Dr. Strange. Seriously, guys, are you all forgetting that you live in the Universe? Nobody wins if they blow it up. Except Thanos, I guess.

Strange takes the Eye to Dormammu, telling him that he now has the power to destroy Eternity. Like a mom with a possible sleepover in her hands, Dormammu tells Strange he’ll think about it and then sends Strange to destroy the Ancient One in the meantime. Strange easily defeats the Magic Men and then uses the Eye to open a portal to Eternity.

“Wait!” cries Dormammu, knowing he’s outclassed. “It’s not yet time to destroy Eternity! I haven’t even found a new place yet!”

“Screw you, Mom!” shouts Strange. “I do what I want.”

Dormammu blasts Strange with his evil powers, while Eternity bathes the Doctor in good powers. For a moment, Stephen Strange is caught between the powers of Pure Good and Pure Evil. All of the universe is laid out before him, giving him the infinite possibility to save it or destroy it.Strange has spent years studying the dark arts, gathering power for himself, all only to prepare himself for this moment.

So he wusses out and chooses good for some damn reason. I don’t know. Seriously? You’ve been an evil, murdering bastard for like forty pages but then you just decide you DON’T want to end the universe? What the hell, man? You know, one of the things I like about What If? is that you actually can end an issue with the destruction of the Universe. In fact, there’s one coming up! But nothing here? What a rip-off.

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