Tag Archives: Daredevil

What If Daredevil Shot A Giant Baby?

Back in the day, Frank “Whores Galore” Miller ended his legendary run on Daredevil with ‘Born Again’, the story of Matt Murdock’s fall and rise. The book starts with Matt’s former secretary Karen Page addicted to heroin and a porn star (Star may be overstating it.). In exchange for a fix, she sells Daredevil’s secret identity. This eventually makes its way back to Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin of Crime, who uses it to methodically destroy Murdock’s life. In the original reality, having everything stripped from him, Matt eventually pays a visit to the Kingpin where he gets the everloving shit kicked out of him. Then Fisk dumps his body in a van, sets it on fire, covers it in cement, dunks the cement in acid and tosses it in the river. So when Matt turns out to be alive, it’s kind of a surprise.

The 'Malibu Kingpin' action figure was no one's favourite.
The ‘Malibu Kingpin’ action figure was no one’s favourite.

In this reality, Matt arrives at Fisk Tower in a state of utter confusion. His life is in the shitter and he’s genuinely trying to convince himself that killing Fisk is a good idea. I mean, it probably is but Daredevil’s not the murder vigilante, that’s the Punisher. And we’re still like ten pages from a Punisher appearance.

Matt easily walks through Fisk’s security. The Kingpin’s been waiting for this moment and can’t wait to finally crush Daredevil with his bear hands (borrowed from third rate supervillain the Grizzly.) Unfortunately, Matt was able to pickpocket one of Fisk’s guards, stealing a gun. And like eight dollars and a picture of the guard’s kids but that isn’t important. Matt barely hesitates before blowing the Kingpin away.

I promised myself I wasn't going to ask where the Kingpin's dick is. But seriously, where is it?
I promised myself I wasn’t going to ask where the Kingpin’s dick is. But seriously, where is it?

Looking at this picture now, I find it hard to believe one bullet would kill a guy this size but I have no trouble swallowing a guy trapped in a giant rhino costume. The Marvel Universe is a fascinating place.

Still completely off the deep end, but holding onto his grasp of law, Matt heads for the police station to turn himself in. Alas, the place is a little busy from the giant gang war that’s erupted since the Kingpin’s death ten minutes ago. Even more alas, Matt believes himself to be confessing to a police lieutenant but it’s actually just a random wino. Listen, I get that it’s a mental problem that’s making Matt hallucinate a cop instead of this bum but this feels like a really obvious blind joke. So let’s just move on.

See, it's not a blind joke! It's a mental health joke. That's... better?
See, it’s not a blind joke! It’s a mental health joke. That’s… better?

All of New York is a-buzzin’ about Matt murdering the Kingpin. The story reaches Ben Urich and Peter Parker at the Daily Bugle. They both go out looking to help Matt but Ben’s a middle aged reporter and therefore uninteresting and so he no longer features in the story.

Poor Ben Urich. At least you're no longer Joey Pants.
Poor Ben Urich. At least you’re no longer Joey Pants.

Also surprised by the Kingpin’s death is mob boss and “Ski Mask Of The Month” subscriber The Rose aka Richard “I’m secretly the Kingpin’s son” Fisk. Fisk’s been attempting to take down his old man for a couple years now, most recently with the help of the Hobgoblin, but when word of the Kingpin’s death comes down, Richard refuses to make his move. This pisses the Hobgoblin off because he was really looking forward to using this as an excuse to commit some crimes. This is how the Hobgoblin mourns a fallen friend.

Back in Crazytown, Matt’s on the run from an army of demons working for the Kingpin who apparently want to ass-fork him to death. The fact that these guys are actually NYPD officers doesn’t help very much. Matt escapes into an alley only to run into his newest number one fan, the Punisher. Punisher’s just about to start on his third round of “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” when he realizes that something isn’t quite right about Matt. Possibly the fact that he’s begging the Punisher to kill him. Punisher refuses to do that but he tells Matt that he can get Matt some psychiatric help. Since this is the Punisher, this is an obvious lie. Frank Castle would not know good mental help if it chopped him up with claws and then brought him back to life as a Frankenstein monster.

Frank Castle: Picture of mental health.
Frank Castle: Picture of sanity.

At this point, Spider-Man shows up and there’s the mandatory fight scene as Frank and Peter try to stop Matt. Unfortunately for them, it’s Matt’s story this month so he escapes but not before hallucinating that Peter is a giant Spider-Monster trying to help him.

He just seems so polite. It's adorable.
He just seems so polite. It’s adorable.

Back at the Rose’s apartment, Richard Fisk has learned that his mother Vanessa, who has been living in Europe while she works on her own craziness, has been murdered. Blaming Matt, Richard’s about to head out to find the guy when Matt arrives to meet him. Matt comes clean about everything. The enhanced senses, the feud with Kingpin, the destruction of his life, the mountain of dead girlfriends. At the end of the story, he tells Richard that Richard can kill him or forgive him. Whichever it is, Matt will abide by. Unfortunately, this is exactly when the Hobgoblin bursts in to ruin everything because the Hobgoblin is just a bad person.

This guy's a dick.
This guy’s a dick.

Another fight ensues, wherein we learn at a fine oak coffee table can withstand at least eight shots fired from a laser glove. Hobgoblin tosses one of his pumpkin bombs (trademark Norman Osborn) but Matt returns it, attaching it to Hobby’s glider. Then he holds the Goblin onto the glider until the bomb goes off, killing them both and sacrificing himself to save the life of a mob boss.

A few weeks later, Daredevil’s back on the street beating the hell out of criminals in Hell’s Kitchen. But it’s not some horribly reanimated Matt Murdock corpse! That’s an entirely different What If! It’s Richard Fisk, armed with a helmet to replicate Matt’s senses and wearing Daredevil’s old costume so that the hero’s name lives on. I give him three days before Bullseye murders him with some thumb tacks.

Yes, with three simple payments, you too can be the blind hero of Hell's Kitchen! Order now!
Yes, with three simple payments, you too can be the blind hero of Hell’s Kitchen! Order now!

 

What If It Was The Future For A Bunch Of Avengers And Also Daredevil?

In honour of the first (admittedly late) Forbidden To Interfere of 2015, and also because it just so happened to work out this way, this week our tales of thrilling alternate realities take us into the Marvel Universe’s far future. No, not 2099. That’s too far. No, nor the incredibly distant future of Iron Man 2020 (AKA Arno “I have a stupid name” Stark.) No, it’s 2050 and a tale of the Avengers! The ones who are still alive anyway!

We join our heroes as they return from a mission. Just so we’re all on the same page, that line up consists of Thor, Jocasta the Android Woman, the Vision, some weird green guy made of energy who also has a moustache and looks like 70s Stan Lee and Devil Ears Iron Man, here played by Michael Rhodes and his giant afro.

2050's looking AWFUL 70s, guys.
2050’s looking AWFUL 70s, guys.

Everyone’s enjoying the post mission cool-down except the Vision. It turns out his wife, Wanda Maximoff AKA the Scarlet Witch is dying of old age and extreme flowyness as shown here in a dress that extends into alternate timelines.

That's a whole lot of... everything... just everywhere.
That’s a whole lot of… everything… just everywhere.

Wanda’s watched over carefully by Thor’s alter ego Donald Blake and also her nurse Cassie Lang. So much for being the awesome Young Avenger Stature in this reality, Cassie! On the other hand, you’re also not dead so I guess it’s kind of a wash.

As Vision takes Wanda for a roll in the garden, he tells her of his plans to deactivate himself once she dies so that, if there is to be an afterlife, they may forever be joined there. It’s a very beautiful sentiment but Wanda’s having none of it, commanding Vision to live for as long as possible. My working theory is that Wanda’s hoping to hook up with Wonder Man in the hereafter. Which is a great theory except that nobody wants to hook up with Wonder Man ever. Wonder Man sucks. While this is going on, Jocasta menacingly watches the duo from a window in the mansion and creeps everybody out. Man, I hope yet another Hank Pym built robot isn’t about to go crazy and murder a bunch of people.

Nothing worrying here.
“I’m your number one fan. Number one fan. Number one fan.”

That night, Wanda has like eighteen old person heart attacks and Doctor Blake tells Vision it’s only a matter of time before she goes to that big lunatic asylum in the sky. Vision remains visionlently, excuse me vigilantly at her side until the end. Then Jocasta kicks in the door, telling Vision that Doctor Blake has made a discovery that may save Wanda and he should go to the library at once. Never mind that the library is empty, dark and locked. And Blake’s in bed. And it’s three AM.

WAAGGGGHDAAAGGGGHHHH!!
WAAGGGGHDAAAGGGGHHHH!!

Vision eventually realizes something’s amiss and returns to Wanda’s bedside only to find her and Jocasta both gone. He wakes the other Avengers and tears the mansion apart looking for them. He eventually finds them both in Jocasta’s lab where Jocasta is performing a standard Freaky Friday operation on the two. She has downloaded herself into Wanda’s shitty dying body and imprisoned Wanda in her unfeeling steel frame. And then Jocasta dies of extreme oldness. Meanwhile, the now immortal Wanda in her unstoppable robot body builds some insane robot sons out of an old freezer and then eliminates all mutants. Stupid Pym built robots….

"She was, in many ways, more human than us all. Especially me. And my robot boyfriend."
“She was, in many ways, more human than us all. Especially me. And my robot boyfriend.”

Next we visit the dare terrifying future of Old Captain America and Really Old Retired Nick Fury! These days, Cap spends his time between training the New Avengers and performing family duties with his wife Sharon Carter and kids Steve Jr and Severus Albus Rogers.

Sharon is in the middle of begging Steve to retire from captaining America when the call goes out: the cast of the Warriors is messing with hardworking future police officers in New New York’s oddly named Punk Row! Cap leaps both onto his flying motorcycle (because the future is awesome and also exactly like Saint’s Row 3) and into action, kicking several punks in the face.

A chillingly accurate portrayal of 1980s New York.
A chillingly accurate portrayal of 1980s New York.

Just as he’s mopping up the last of these jerks, Cap gets a call that his villain proof skyscraper headquarters has been broken into! But who could be responsible? Well, that flying car with the big red skull on the front seems a good indicator: It’s clearly 1930s entertainer Red Skelton out for revenge! Or it’s the Red Skull again. Fucking Nazis. Jeez.

Borrowed from Cobra's new line of flying battle tanks.
Borrowed from Cobra’s new line of flying battle tanks.

Cap chases the Skullmobile to the site of the 1963 World’s Fair. Which is apparently still around in the future. Or possibly rebuilt for the youth of today to enjoy. He finally meets up with the Ancient Red Skull in his (seriously) Armchair of Death.

See?
See?

The Skull battles Cap for a little while before revealing his evil plan (a bomb attached to the Skull’s heart that will go off if the Skull dies) and his evil son (Red Skull Jr, here to kill Cap and save his father. Presumedly by climbing vines and avoiding crocodiles.) Cap manages to defeat both Skulls but then Jr shoots his father, activating the bomb. Luckily, Cap stops it with a handily thrown shield because what else is Captain America going to do? NOT throw a shield at something. Anyway, Cap saves his family and resolves to never stop hunting the Red Skull no matter how old, decrepit or useless he might be. Sharon weeps over the charred remains of their marriage.

Finally we jump into the future of 2013 as Matt Murdock (AKA Aredevil according to the title page)

See? See?
See? See?

and his friend Vice President Foggy Nelson await the arrival of the new president of New Russia Natasha Romanov (AKA the Black Widow). Foggy and Natasha are here to take part in a new peace conference with important leaders from all over the world. Matt’s here mostly because he’s sad that his (unnamed) wife is dead and Foggy’s trying to cheer him up. Foggy, you’d think you’d know by now that nothing can stop Matt Murdock from being in a shitty mood except beating the hell out of people.

More like 'Mope Murdock.'
More like ‘Mope Murdock.’

Luckily, the conference is attacked by a new and mysterious Kingpin of Terrorism and his faceless army. Gee, I wonder who it could be? My money’s on the Owl. Natasha and Matt both change into costume (which they both luckily decided to wear for the first time in twenty years) and start handing out beatings. They eventually reach the top of the building and face the terrorists’ mysterious leader and SHOCK FOLLOWS SHOCK, it’s Wilson Fisk AKA the Kingpin. There’s like three minutes of fighting before Matt knocks Fisk off the roof, smooshing him like so much Allfather from Preacher. This finally pulls Matt out of his shell again, proving once more that murder can solve anything.

Yaaaaaahahahooey!
Yaaaaaahahahooey!

 

What If One Of Matt Murdock’s Girlfriends Didn’t Get Murdered? Also: The Much Anticipated Death of Yellowjacket! Because Fuck That Guy!

We begin our first story with Matt Murdock (AKA Daredevil) doing what he does best: moping in the rain. In this case, it’s because his long lost one true love (this week) and also hired murderer Elektra is dead. Matt’s approached by a giant bald guy with an umbrella and, while we know it’s just the Watcher being subtle for the first time ever, I’d be careful. The last thing a grief stricken Matt Murdock wants to see is a giant bald white guy. He’s had trouble with those before.

I swear to God, it's not the Kingpin.
I swear to God, it’s not the Kingpin.

Uatu, spotting Matt’s obvious grief, does what any of us would do. Specifically, tell the mourner a story about an alternate reality where his girlfriend is alive. Nice! Thanks, buddy! The Watcher gives Matt and us a quick catch-up, reminding Matt of a time not so long ago when his ex-girlfriend tried to have his best friend killed. Which is a bi-annual occurrence for Daredevil.

Elektra has Matt’s friend, Foggy Nelson kidnapped. She’s about to execute him on behalf of the Kingpin when Foggy recognizes her. “Aren’t you Elektra Natchios? Matt’s old girlfriend? Wow, you always said you were going to grow up to be a ninja hitwoman but we never believed you. Because that’s insane.”

"I knew I shouldn't have taken the cab with the beautiful lady in spandex!"
“I knew I shouldn’t have taken the cab with the beautiful lady in spandex!”

Elektra takes pity on Foggy and lets him go. Knowing she’s betrayed the Kingpin, she goes into hiding. And here’s where the timeline jumps off track. You see, in this reality, Elektra’s eventual murderer Bullseye has been killed a couple of months earlier in a prison break. As he’s no longer alive (The Kingpin has a strict “Do Not Hire Dead People” rule. Which is weird in the Marvel Universe where literally half the people have been dead.), Kingpin is forced to hire some cheap discount hoods to revenge kill Elektra. Kingpin completely forgets about killing Foggy, which is frankly ridiculous.

Never let anyone convince you that smoking doesn't look cool.
Never let anyone convince you that smoking doesn’t look cool.

The hired goons track down Elektra and there’s a pretty goddamn sweet Frank Miller drawn fight scene for our enjoyment. Elektra kills a bunch of guys, apparently gets stabbed in the ass and eventually escapes, returning to Matt Murdock’s brownstone.

Kidding aside, this artwork is fucking poetry.
Kidding aside, this artwork is fucking poetry.

Meanwhile Foggy, terrified that he’s going to be murdered tracks down Matt and begs him for help. Matt calms his friend down and then leaves him alone. I hope Kingpin sent Matt a memo about the whole “Hey, I don’t want to kill Foggy any more” thing because otherwise leaving your friend alone to be murdered by mob guys is a pretty dick move.

"I'm sure you'll be fine, Foggy. You're in reasonably good shape, right?"
“I’m sure you’ll be fine, Foggy. You’re in reasonably good shape, right?”

Matt returns home to find Elektra bleeding on his couch. He’s about to take her to jail when Elektra tells him that she’ll just be murdered in prison instead. So instead, without another word, they both fuck off to some gorgeous beach somewhere, leaving poor Foggy to wonder whatever happened to his best friend and partner. Of course, he doesn’t need to worry for very long before the Kingpin remembers he’s going to have Foggy killed and has him executed. Probably by a shirtless dude holding a length of chain.

"You ever think about your old friend, Foggy Nelson?" "Who-gy what what?"
“You ever think about your old friend, Foggy Nelson?” “Who-gy what what?”

Next up, we have a tale of the Avengers. The current line-up is Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Tigra, Wasp and Hank Pym dressed as Yellowjacket. For those playing along at home, Yellowjacket is Pym at his shittiest, wife beatiest best. In fact, as the story begins, Hank is screaming at the Wasp (AKA Janet Van Dyne-Pym) for being… y’know, better than him. At everything.

And then there's THIS asshole...
And then there’s THIS asshole…

Suddenly, the Avengers are called to fight an invading alien called Elfquest I mean Elfqueen. Elfqueen. Jan stays behind, still shaken by her piece of shit husband. During the fight, Yellowjacket’s laser wrist thingy disconnects, further embarrassing him. Unfortunately, it reconnects as Elfqueen is finally surrendering. Cap notices, calling for Yellowjacket to stop but it’s too late. He blasts Elfqueen in the back, and in retaliation, she drops a fucking truck on him. While in our universe, Jan arrives just in time to save Hank, here she spends a few minutes thinking about what an asshole he is and is too late to save him from smooshing.

SPLAT!
SPLAT!

After the funeral, the Avengers report that Yellowjacket was killed when he attacked Elfqueen after she surrendered. Jan freaks out, convinced he died a hero. She goes before reporters (in her new costume, complete with Dracula collar) and tells him Hank died a hero.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I called this meeting in Transylvania..."
“I’m sure you’re wondering why I called this meeting in Transylvania…”

Next Avengers meeting, the group tries to comfort Jan while telling her that going against the team was NOT COOL. Unfortunately, she wants Cap to change his report on what happened, saying that Hank died in the line of duty. Cap refuses to lie because he’s Captain Goddamn America and Jan storms out.

Well, nothing too worrying in that little tirade.
Well, nothing too worrying in that little tirade.

Looking for revenge, Jan calls one of her many butlers (This story features three.) to drive her to the shittiest part of town. She wanders around in her finest jewels for about six seconds before some traditional 80s New York Street Punks attack her. And then she fucking wrecks them. “Tell them your asses were kicked by the Black Wasp!” she says, tossing away a cigarette as explosions go off behind her.

whatif3511
The hell kind of name is Monckley?

Reports start appearing in the Daily Bugle of the vigilante Black Wasp and her war on crime. The Avengers figure out who the Black Wasp is pretty quickly because they aren’t completely stupid. (Well, Thor probably is.) They get into another awkward argument but then they’re called to save a building from burning down, thank God.

"Could this beautiful woman actually be Spider-Man? An editorial by J Jonah Jameson."
“Could this beautiful woman actually be Spider-Man? An editorial by J Jonah Jameson.”

Everything’s going fine until a big chunk of wall collapses, almost hitting Cap. Janet spots it tumbling but decides to do nothing. Unfortunately for her, but fortunately for friends of democracy, Tigra notices and saves Cap at the  last minute. With this one act of heroism among many, many other acts of heroism today, Jan realizes that she’s actually a terrible person. She quits the team to go be a sad sack elsewhere. Relieved that he no longer has to fire her, Cap gets to looking for a replacement who won’t leave him to die.

 

What If Ghost Rider Battled The Pope? Also: Something About Daredevil or Whatever.

Everybody who’s anybody remember the time that Hell’s Spirit of Vengeance, the Ghost Rider was separated from his host, stunt bike racer and mullet-haver Johnny Blaze by the evil red wizard, Azaziah, right? Like, I don’t have to go into details about how this Merlin-looking motherfucker deposessed Johnny in an effort to take the Ghost Rider for himself? And Blaze and the Ghost Rider realized they were both far weaker without one another and reunited and it felt so good? Good, I can skip all that boring crap and get straight to the blasphemy.

I literally just noticed that Ghost Rider is pointing like he has something to say but can’t because the Watcher won’t shut up.

In this new reality, Azaziah knocks Johnny on his ass and gives himself the power of the Ghost Rider easily. Then it’s an easy thing to summon Ghost Rider’s hellcycle and go out to try and take over the world. I’m a little delighted by the idea of an immortal wizard turning into an Evel Knievel style stunt racer but I guess thing about different hosts making different looking Ghost Riders hadn’t been written yet. Shame. I’d kill for a bearded skeleton riding around in a flaming wagon like Satan’s own Santa Claus.

“So long, suckers!”

Azaziah takes his motorcycle across the sea, heading straight for Vatican City in Rome. His goal: To murder the Pope! For by sacrificing the pope, Azaziah will be able to control the minds of every Christian on Earth. Or all of Christendom, as he repeats over and over and over again.

Not seen: Ghost Rider doing a sick jump off a whale.

Back in America, Johnny regains conciousness. Remembering Azaziah’s words about planning to attack “the pearl of Christendom”, Johnny realizes that this was the name people in the middle ages gave the “seat of papal authority”. Which is pretty good for shit-kicking hick in need of a haircut. Friggin’ hippy. Johnny realizes his chances of biking to Rome are pretty low so he steals a plane and gives chase.

Johnny Blaze: Theology Major.

 

Meanwhile, Azaziah has rampaged through Rome, openly mocked the papal guard for their ridiculous uniforms and taken the Pope to one of Vatican City’s many ancient torture chambers.

Every single Pope panel is hilarious to me.

Johnny finally arrives on a stolen Vespa but he busts his leg trying to jump the circle of hellfire surrounding the Vatican. Nice one, buddy. I thought jumping over fire on a motorcycle was literally the one thing you were good at. Azaziah quickly finds him and chains him to a wall, knowing he can’t kill Johnny without killing himself as well. Wonder if that’ll come up later.

Azaziah returns to normal (or “Old Man in a flowery dress form.”) and prepares to sacrifice the Pope, summoning a huge scarlet scimitar to stab him with. Gotta say, the pope’s taking all of this surprisngly well. He spends a lot of time just hanging out.

See? Here he is again, just being the Pope on a giant stone altar while Ghost Rider rubs his sore foot.

Luckily, Johnny’s able to pick the locks on his chains. By which I mean he pulls them out of the wall. Lousy shoddy ancient masonary. He’s then able to snatch the scimitar away before it can commit papalcide. Azaziah returns to Ghost Rider form but Johnny bonks him on the skull with the shattered masonary and then stabs him with the scimitar. This final act of heroism kills them both, leaving a very confused Pope wondering just what the fuck has happened.

“God be with you, hick who saved me from Alan Moore in a dress.”

Next we go to our backup AND cover story, an actual Daredevil comic by Frank “I’m not crazy yet” Miller! This one starts off simply enough with Daredevil’s usual origin: Kid saves blind man, kid gets hit in the face with chemicals, chemicals fall down storm drain, chemicals mutate four baby turtles and a rat, turtles and rat form media empire that lasts thirty years. Simple!

 

This time around, we learn that the chemical truck in question belonged to Tony Stark and Stark’s been following it across town to keep an eye on it. When Matt Murdock’s face gets splattered, Tony bustles the kid into his awesome flying car and takes him to the best medical facility on the planet: the SHIELD helicarrier on a rare day when it isn’t crashing.

Maybe you could also do something about that GIANT FIRE, Tony.

Unfortunately, all of this has been noticed by an agent of HYDRA who had been following Stark following the chemical truck. (You know, I’ve read a lot of Daredevil origins and I never remembered the truck accident being this BUSY.) The Hydra Agent figures an acid splattered teenager might be worth having for some reason and sends a Matt Murdock doppleganger robot over to Matt’s father’s gym. The fact that they have a Matt Murdock robot just kicking around raises the question of why they would want a human Matt Murdock who also can’t see at all but whatever. Robo-Matt kidnaps Matt’s father and then disappears from the story.

“I was replaced by a robot” is probably the absolute last thing Jack Murdock expected when he asked Matt how his day went. Runner-up is probably “went blind, got super powers.”

Up on the Helicarrier Stark and Fury have discovered that the chemicals have enhanced all of Matt’s senses. And dehanced his eyes significantly. Matt’s pretty bummed but Fury thinks that his new powers will make Matt a perfect SHIELD agent and begins training him right away.

“We swiped this technology from Professor X’s danger room, kid. Hope you survive the experience.”

About a month passes and Matt starts asking Fury about his father. Matt’s been missing a while and he suspects his father is worrying. Unbeknownest to Matt, Fury’s had SHIELD agents looking for Matt’s dad since they picked Matt up and had no luck finding him. Fury lies to Matt, making some lie up about Matt’s father being sent on a completely legitimate cruise or something but Matt realizes he’s lying and quits.

Matt’s just wondering how he’s going to locate his father when he’s approached by the shittiest double agent ever to work with SHIELD or Hydra. She offers to take Matt to see his father and the two of them try to escape the Helicarrier. It takes about three seconds for them to be recaptured by Fury who tells Matt that they’ve located the Hydra base Matt’s father is stashed at. Which is really handy considering an hour ago, nobody had any idea where the hell he was. Also if you’re wondering who the double agent was, what side she was actually on and what happened to her, join the club. She too disappears from the story.

“Let’s just say I’m the world’s worst double agent and I’m willing to blow my cover to a kid who’s worked here for a month.”

Matt approaches the underwater Hydra base, easily defeating the guards in some really damn sharp Frank Miller action sequences. He quickly rescues his dad from the pole in a giant empty room he was strapped to and then they escape. Fury also shows up to kill some people. Hooray!

I don’t have anything to say here, I just love this fucking action sequence.

Safely back on the Helicarrier, Matt finally tells his father what’s been going on and takes a job with SHIELD. Matt’s father celebrates that his son has found a good, useful career. And Robot-Matt and the SHIELD Double Agent have a Vegas wedding.

 

What If the World Knew Daredevil Was Blind?

After a brief lesson on who Daredevil is (Matt Murdock) and how he came to be (Belted by gamma rays) from the Watcher, we cut to a crime already in progress. It’s Electro, current star of a weak Spider-Man movie and big flappy mask owner! Apparently he was really into stealing cars until his arch-nemesis(?) Daredevil broke it up. Electro escapes by cunningly climbing a pole and resolves to rob the Fantastic Four instead. Because what do you do when you graduate from car theft? Rob the high security home of the most well-known super hero team on the planet!

Luckily for Electro, the FF are out of town receiving a prestigious award for failing to contribute anything to science despite Reed Richards being able to cure cancer on his day off. Everything’s going according to plan and Electro is just about to load the FF’s giant TV into his van when Daredevil and Spider-Man both happen to show up. Fucking typical. Everything’s going fine until Electro attempts to blind Daredevil with a flash of electricity, only to discover that nothing happens. This, combined with Daredevil’s sudden complete inability to lie, leads Electro to realize that Daredevil is blind.

Daredevil and Spidey leave Electro tied up for the cops and then Daredevil confesses to Spidey that yes, he’s a blind guy with super senses. Spidey rudely interrupts to recount his own origin (Dude, nobody asked.), insult DD’s costume (“Yeah, it LOOKS like a blind guy designed it.”) and then fucks off. “Everything will probably be fine!” he says as he swings away. What a dick.

The next day, while in court, Electro reveals to the world that Daredevil is blind. The Daily Bugle runs with the story (“Blind People: Heroes or Menaces?”) and soon everyone’s talking about it. We cut across the river where Daredevil villain and Penguin rip-off the Owl schemes in his giant owl-shaped house.

“If Daredevil is blind, he must have other special senses to get around with.” The Owl deduces, hastily stashing a copy of “The Complete Handbook to the Marvel Universe D-E”. “I can use this in my needlessly complicated plan to also have my own enslaved lawyer, Matt Murdock, who I randomly chose out of the phone book. Seriously.”

So the Owl shows up at Nelson and Murdock’s law offices to kidnap Matt when Daredevil bursts in (In a slick new red costume, having been shamed by Spider-Jerk.). Unluckily for DD, the Owl has installed a giant hooting farting robot at Nelson and Murdock, overwhelming Daredevil’s senses.

At that moment, future porn star, heroin addict and fake AIDS haver Karen Page arrives, further distracting Daredevil and allowing the Owl to escape. He vows to return with an even more needlessly elaborate plan and much larger stinking owl robots. Karen runs to Daredevil, quickly deducing that he’s her boss Matt Murdock because there are suddenly WAAAAAY too many blind people running around for this to be a coincidence. Karen vows to keep Matt’s identity a secret and Matt vows to make out with Karen in his Daredevil costume just as Foggy Nelson and the cops arrive. Foggy leaves, sad. HE wanted to make out with Karen.

A few weeks later, Karen mentions to Matt that she’s been in correspondence with Doctor Van Eyck, an eye specialist formally of Boston and now living in a tiny medevial country somewhere vaguely in Europe called Lichtenbad. Karen thinks the Doctor can cure Matt’s blindness. Matt argues that being able to see might also cure him of being Daredevil but Karen reminds him that nobody thinks he’s special any more and they head out, leaving Foggy Nelson behind confused and lovelorn as usual. Poor dumb dope.

Matt and Karen arrive in Lictenbad on a plane with the country’s dictatorial ruler and Matt’s former classmate Duke Klaus Kruger who is almost assassinated at the airport and then karate chops his assassin to death. That out of the way, he drops Matt and Karen off at the eye doctor.

Matt’s super hearing reveals to him that basically everyone in Lichenbad is planning to rebel against the Duke and his army of chainmail robots. Matt wants to help but Karen reminds him he has an eye doctor appointment. Luckily, the problem basically fixes itself when Kruger has the doctor and Matt arrested for seemingly no reason.

Matt quickly changes to Daredevil and then beats up the Duke until there is freedom. Unfortunately, the Duke is a bit of a sore loser and plans to flood the entire Earth with radiation just because he lost his shitty little country. Daredevil is able to disarm the giant radiation flood device (Not shaped like an owl, alas.) but get dosed with radiation, robbing him of his powers for some reason. At this point, Van Eyck removes Daredevil’s bandages, revealing that Matt can see now. Phew. That’s handy. Also Doctor Van Eyck manages to figure out that Matt is Daredevil because seriously look at all these blind people suddenly here.

Matt and Karen return home only to find that a famous judge has been kidnapped by the Owl. The judge was previously responsible for sentencing the Owl to jail and now the Owl wants to hold a trial for the judge on Owl Island in his giant Owl House. He gets Matt Murdock to defend the judge. All of this is needlessly ridiculous and I’m starting to think the Owl might be an idiot.

Matt does his best to defend the judge but the Owl’s pretty into his revenge plot so Matt calls his next witness. Daredevil. Then he runs away and hides. A few seconds later, Daredevil busts in. “Luckily, I got Matt Murdock to safety!” he says. Seriously, how did everyone not find out who Daredevil was years ago? Are you ALL fucking idiots?

So Owl turns on his hooting farting robot but now DD has no super senses to blind so that doesn’t work. Owl escapes and, after getting the judge to safety, Daredevil follows. In the next room, the Owl reveals his new giant non-farting robot owl that he was going to use to explode the judge with for some reason. The robot owl attacks Daredevil but DD manages to beat up the non-robot owl and then he and the judge ride it (the robot owl) to safety. Afterwards it explodes.

So, the regular Owl defeated and all the robot owls destroyed, Matt Murdock finally reveals to the world that he is Daredevil before literally everyone figures it out for themselves. He quits being Daredevil and instead runs for DA, winning in a landslide. Meanwhile, Foggy Nelson cries some more. HE wanted to be DA.

There’s also a short back-up feature called What If A Spider Had Been Bitten By A Radioactive Man that features the ‘mazing Man-Spider battling the can of Raid that killed his uncle. It’s not as good