Tag Archives: Cyclops’ dumb hat

What If Professor X Was Evil And Cyclops Had A Stupid Hat?

We open on a strange and wondrous new world. Well, okay, not so much strange and wondrous as strange and mostly shitty. A group of renegade humans are chased through the streets of New York by the X-Men! But these are X-Men as never seen before. Mostly because they allow Unus the Untouchable within their ranks and seriously? That guy sucks. Also Cyclops is wearing what I will charitably call a samurai influenced hat. It’s… this is not a good look, Scott. At all. While the X-Men beat up the human gang for their crimes against mutants (insulting graffiti, rude language, bruising a superior mutant’s fist with one’s face.), Charles Xavier watches from his home atop the Empire State Building, safe in his red Juggernaut armour.

Seen here: Cyclops' amazing new hat and X-Juggernaut chasing John Byrne. Good for him.
Seen here: Cyclops’ amazing new hat and X-Juggernaut chasing John Byrne. Good for him.

Yes, friends. In this universe, bald jerk Charles Xavier found the crimson gem of Cyttorak before his asshole half-brother Cain “No, I don’t know the Sandman. Stop Asking.” Marko. It happened back during the Korean War which, canonically, Xavier and Cain and also I believe Ben Grimm and Reed Richards fought in. Cain decides to give this whole war thing a rest and hide out in a mysterious cave for a while and Chuck follows him in because “Come on, Cain! We’re not supposed to be hiding! There’s a war on.” You seriously cannot take Xavier ANYWHERE.

"I'm calling time-out on this war. I need a smoke and a Twix."
“I’m calling time-out on this war. I need a smoke and a Twix.”

Anyway, Cain stumbles upon a red gem upon a fancy pedestal and goes to grab it before Xavier pushes his brother out of the way. During the conflict (A word which here means “To be knocked over by one’s larger and more formidable half-brother.”), Chuck brushes up against the gem and begins to swell with muscles. The cave crumbles around Chuck as his brother flees from the cave complaining that it should be Cain Marko who possesses a magic gem and then is buried alive. Jealously is a hell of a thing, my friends.

"You'll pay for exploding your own pants and getting buried alive!"
“You’ll pay for exploding your own pants and getting buried alive!”

X-Juggernaut remains buried in the remains of the Korean cave for many years and because the calming influence of Charles Xavier is not around, nobody ever gets around to forming the X-Men, leaving Wolverine an unpopular Hulk villain and forcing the Fantastic Four to battle Magneto in his first appearance. And the FF kick his ass because those guys could seriously do no wrong in 60s Marvel. Unfortunately, with no positive mutant influences in the Marvel Universe, mutant racism hits harder than ever. Worse, there’s nobody to prevent Magneto and his Brotherhood of Misunderstood Mutants from conquering the small fictional country of Santo Marco. The BMM give humans the boot and proclaim the country to be a haven for mutants everywhere. Like Genosha but without the slavery so thumbs up there!

"Come on back when ya got yer weird flyin' car, ya helmeted mook!"
“Come on back when ya got yer weird flyin’ car, ya helmeted mook!”

Soon Santo Marco is home of almost all the world’s mutant population and the Brotherhood has become an Army of Misunderstood Mutants. Magneto’s army marches on the UN intending to kidnap representative from all over the world and ransom them for total world domination (which doesn’t sound like a great plan to me but I don’t have Magneto’s keen strategic mind.)

People FREAKED OUT when Angel switched from bikini briefs to bicycle shorts under that little skirt of his.
People FREAKED OUT when Angel switched from bikini briefs to bicycle shorts under that little skirt of his.

Unfortunately for the United Liberated Mutant Front or whatever the hell they’re calling themselves, it’s at this point that Xavier finally returns. It’s taken him years to finally dig his way out of Korean and then walk back to the States but now he’s here and he’s not happy. Chuck’s spent all his time underground scanning the minds of everyone on Earth and he is not one bit pleased by humanity’s treatment of mutants nor by Magneto’s plans for world domination. He takes one look at the Master of Magnetism and then smooshes his helmet and boots him out the door.

The scene where Charles dangles the helmet over Magneto's head and snatches it away at the last moment was mercifully cut.
The scene where Charles dangles the helmet over Magneto’s head and snatches it away at the last moment was mercifully cut.

X-Juggernaut returns to his familiar home in Westchester and, after evicting his half-brother and giving Cain an ACTUAL reason to hate him, Chuck rechristens Magneto’s army the X-Men. Because Charles Xavier is a deeply proud of himself.

Alas, the world governments are still worried about this gathering mutant threat for SOME reason and attack the Westchester mansion with sentinels. Although these sentinels are a step-up from the usual fair, they’re still purple dudes in balaclavas and Xavier makes short work of them. With the sentinel plan a failure, the Fantastic Four attacks but Xavier uses his psychic powers to link with every genius on Earth, combine their intellect and create a cure for the FF’s cosmic powers. Which he then sprays them with. And as readers of Forbidden to Interfere will know, the FF without powers are completely useless so they all fuck off back to meaningless lives.

The Fantastic Four are finally destroyed by a bug bomb.
The Fantastic Four are finally destroyed by a bug bomb.

Nex Xavier takes his battle to the rest of the Marvel Universe’s heroes, bankrupting Iron Man and sending him deeper into the bottle, curing Daredevil and the Hulk, shrinking Ant Man and the Wasp out of existence, freezing Captain America and, in a truly diabolical move threatening to tell Spider-Man’s aunt on him. Jesus, Xavier. You’ve done some nasty things but TATTLING on a guy? Beyond the pale.

"Oh jeez, Mr. Juggernaut! Don't TELL on me!"
“Oh jeez, Mr. Juggernaut! Don’t TELL on me!”

With Earth’s heroes beaten, powerless or sobbing into a pillow late into the night, the Earth is in dire straights. The Soviet Union launches nuclear missiles at America (specifically Xavier’s house.) but even that cannot stop the Juggernaut. Xavier once again uses his gigantic brain to conceive of a plan to clean up the excess radiation from the very brief World War III. He announces to the world that mutants are under his protection and the world pretty much gives up. Nothing can stop Big Red X and his giant thighs.

We jump forward a few years to where we came in at the beginning of the book. X-Juggernaut rules with an iron fist, the excess radiation from WWIII has spiked mutant births and humans have been forced into ghettos. Where gangs of teenage mutants can harass them like it’s Dark Knight Returns. Luckily for the terrorized humans of New York, my man Cyclops don’t shiv.

Cyclops, you are ruining our class photo.
Cyclops, you are ruining our class photo.

Cyclops returns home to his wife Jean and tells her he’s had all he can stands, he can’t stands no more. He gathers together the X-Men army and announces that he is leaving to find a better path for humanity. A handful of mutants join him but most prefer to stay behind, beat up humans and act a fool. Xavier arrives and tells them he respects their decision but once they’re gone, he doesn’t want to see them again. Then he sheds a mighty tear.

Cyclops and friends have barely taken a step outside the door when they’re accosted by a dickish human wearing a weird headband. It’s that asshole Cain Marko! He tells Cyclops that he’s been looking for a way to get revenge on Chuck since his douchey eviction. But as much as getting kicked out of his house sucked, Cain has found a new home. SPACE! Specifically Asteroid M where he’s been kicking it with Magneto.

"With my power over magnetism and your jerkishness, Xavier is doomed!"
“With my power over magnetism and your jerkishness, Xavier is doomed!”

Since his embarrassing defeat, Magneto’s been looking for a way to defeat X-Juggernaut and with Marko’s help, he’s found it. He’s developed fancy metal headbands that can block Xavier’s psychic powers and he’s willing to join with Cyclops to finally save the world. Mostly so Magneto can conquer it but STILL…

Colossus' beard is like a frickin' bullet.
Colossus’ beard is like a frickin’ bullet.

Cyclops and the… C-Men? No, that’s a terrible name. Cyclops and the People Cyclops Knows return to Earth and attack Xavier’s base. After a bunch of fighting, Chuck captures Colossus and his sweet metal beard. He strips the Russian metal man of his fancy psychic crown thing and then is able to track the People Cyclops Knows to their base. A spaceship just outside of town which they cunningly have baited with a box of Xavier chow. They fire up the rockets and blast Xavier out into space where he can float forever like a trapped Superman villain. With X-Juggernaut gone, Magneto prepares to take over the Earth but Cyclops shakes his fist and everyone decides maybe NOT to fight today.

"How could I make my helmet dorkier?" "...mouthpiece?" "I LOVE IT."
“How could I make my helmet dorkier?” “…mouthpiece?” “I LOVE IT.”