We begin our tale this week in Scotland where genetic expert and yellow jumpsuit enthusiast (That’s a full club featuring her and 80’s cartoon era April O’Neil.) Moira McTaggart receives an urgent telegram from America. It’s not, as she assumed from her old boyfriend Charles Xavier but it is about him. He’s fallen into a deep depression, possibly due to so many people telling that he is a jerk. Moira leaves for the states at once, stopping only to grab the young and adorably check-dressed Rahne Sinclair before her asshole adopted father can utterly ruin her. It’s sort of like the last scene in Matilda.
“Ye canna take me adopted daughter, Lady Moira. She’s moine ta do wit’ as ah please. An tha’ includes beaten ‘pon her with yon shillelagh.”
“Aye, ‘tis yoor right as her guardian, Father Craig, abusive and awful though ye are. But let me ask ye this: Whut if oi were te donate a huge amoont ‘a money te ye and buy yon child straight out.”
“Wull, that’d prob’ly be just foine.”
So ends Horrible Accent Theater. Until we do another Claremont comic. Anyway, Moira and Rahne travel to America, eventually arriving at the Westchester home of Charles Xavier and apparently Hank McCoy, the Beast. We find Xavier in a deep depression with Hank as his only caretaker. Hank is also weirdly normal looking so the whole scene is pretty much exactly like the beginning of the Days of Future Past movie, minus the flagrant drug use. That I am aware of.
It turns out that Hank is indeed still big, blue and beastly, he’s just been wearing a rubber mask to disguise his features, a plan which literally only works in comics. Listen, you met a giant gorilla man wearing a rubber mask to look like a normal person, you would be utterly terrified. That is some Uncanny X-Men Valley shit right there.
Xavier is still in a mope, so Hank explains that the original X-Men (minus Hank, who has been off Avenging and occasionally Defending when the mood strikes.) were sent on a mission to Krakoa THE ISLAND THAT WALKS LIKE A MAN AND ALSO FLOATS IN THE OCEAN LIKE AN ISLAND. Krakoa whipped the OG X-Men’s asses and then Cyclops home to get some more chumps. Or Cyclops escapes. It depends on what retcon you’re reading. Anyway, Xavier formed an all-new, all-different team of X-Men. And it turned out that they were also all-ineffective because now they’re all-dead.
Hank’s been taking care of Xavier for a month now, which is really enough of a mourning period after causing the deaths of thirteen people so he contacted Moira to try to snap Chuck out of it. It doesn’t work because nobody on Earth funks like Charles Xavier. Except maybe Spider-Man. Moira agrees to stay on as housekeeper and also because it keeps Rahne away from her piece of shit father. Win win.
What follows are a few quiet weeks, as Hank teaches Rahne about Cerebro and they bond. Everything is going depressingly fine until a worldwide video message appears on the TV from Count Nefaria! Yes, Count Nefaria! He’s not a well known villain but he dresses impeccably. Nefaria proclaims that he has captured NORAD (“Never mind how.”) and will launch America’s missiles at every country on the globe unless they “a ransom from each nation on Earth. The amount determined by each nation’s ability to pay.” Which I always thought was really considerate. Nefaria expects the little shitty countries to do their part but he certainly understands that they can’t all pay American ransoms.
As a true hero, Beast prepares to spring into action but Xavier is having none of it.
“Let the Fantastic Four and the Avengers handle it. I’m sick of killing people. Except for the seven billion people who will die in nuclear fire since I refuse to help. God, I AM a jerk.”
Beast tries contacting the Avengers and the FF but alas they’re both off planet and the Enterprise is the only ship in the Quadrant so it’s up to him. Hank uses Cerebro to find some new mutants (Not to be confused with the New Mutants, much as I was hoping the rest of them would show up.) to save the day. He’s eventually able to contact the Scarlet Witch on her honeymoon with the Vision, jerk-ass speedster Quicksilver, Namor’s cousin and future New Warrior Namorita, Sean Cassidy’s daughter Siren I mean Banshee II and Thunderbird’s brother New Thunderbird who only wears a loincloth and a headband for the entire book because “Indian.”
Beast uses Cerebro to teleport all the mutants to Cheyenne Mountain because I guess Cerebro can do that now. Beast says it has something to do with Cerebro having Nightcrawler’s teleportation powers on file but let’s face it, he’s just making shit up at this point. He also accidentally brings Rahne along. But that’s odd, Cerebro was only supposed to teleport mutants. I WONDER WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED.
Well, there’s no time for that MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY because the X-Men have to save the world and also do battle with Nefaria’s ridiculous animal men. My favourite is Cat-Man, the purple cat looking motherfucker with antenna. Dude is amazing. There’s an extended fight scene because of course there is and then Dragonfly Girl uses her hypnotic vision (A power shared by all dragonflies, of course.) to stun the X-Men.
Xavier, who has finally snapped out of his depression enough to be fucking useful, notices this and contacts Rahne, who has been waiting outside. He tells her that she’s a mutant and that he has known since he met her. He just never told her because, well, Professor Xavier is a blah blah blah. Xavier uses his psychic powers to activate Rahne’s powers early, causing her to turn into a wolf. She then runs into the main room where everyone is fighting and wrecks up the place, breaking Dragonfly Lady’s control over the X-Men.
While Xavier cancels the countdown to armageddon (Helpfully displayed in your nearest copy of Watchmen.), Nefaria escapes in a fighter jet to live and polish his monocle another day. Unfortunately for him, Banshee II arrives just in time to blow his fucking plane up with a sonic scream. This also knocks her out but she’s saved by New Thunderbird so it all works out.
The All-New All-New X-Men return home where Xavier meets them to congratulate them and offers to start a new team of mutants with them. Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver leave because they’re really Avengers characters but will return if they’re needed or if the X-Men movie that they are offered to appear in is really good. The rest of the team stays behind as the X-Men including ten-year old Rahne which is probably illegal.