Tag Archives: Forbidden to Interfere

What If Spider-Man Died And Still Ruined Everything?

This week we revisit a favourite of mine, Kraven’s Last Hunt. In the original story, Great White Hunter and Owner Of A Lion Vest Kraven the Hunter goes insane, kidnaps Spider-Man, buries him alive, beats the shit out of people and then blows his own head off with a shotgun. It’s AMAZING.

Look at that giant fat fucking head! This is my new favourite Watcher for anyone wondering.
Look at that giant fat fucking head! This is my new favourite Watcher for anyone wondering.

This story is… less of that. We open on Spidey swinging home one night when Kraven shoots him with a blow dart, immobilizing him. But instead of just tying Spidey up and burying him, Kraven does what super villains should have been doing for years and shoots Spidey in the fucking head. It’s the smartest thing a Spider-Man villain has ever done but it’s not what you’d call dramatically satisfying.

"Man, that was really easy. I should have shot this asshole back in the sixties."
“Man, that was really easy. I should have shot this asshole back in the sixties.”

Kraven and his lackeys bring the spectacular Spider-Corpse to a graveyard where they bury it with a custom gravestone, after which Kraven literally dances on the grave. After a quick trip to his back to his mansion to devour massive handfuls of spiders, I vomit, I mean he swipes Spidey’s costume and heads out on a Roaring Rampage of Revenge™ against… random street crime. Hey, thanks, Kraven. You’re doing… well, the Punisher’s work anyway.

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!
OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!

Back at Peter Parker’s Peter aparkment (sorry), Mary Jane Watson-Parker-Bouvier-Terwilliger-Hutz-McClure-Nahasapeemapetilon waits by the window and mostly frets. She eventually goes out into the rain to find her husband and is immediately cat called by street douches. This issue is a real winner for MJ. Luckily, Spider-Kraven shows up literally foaming at the mouth and rescues her. MJ sees how brutal Spider-Man acts, how he didn’t even notice her and most importantly how he kept his mouth shut for the entire battle.

“That is definitely not my Peter.” She thinks.

This is pretty much all Mary Jane does for the entire comic so drink it in, I guess.
This is pretty much all Mary Jane does for the entire comic so drink it in, I guess.

MJ starts visiting the usual Spidey cast for help. Eventually, Flash Thompson takes her to the Baxter Building where they meet with the Human Torch who… I guess is still friends with Spidey but doesn’t know who he is yet? Anyway, the Torch has been watching the news and seeing all these brutal attacks by Spider-Man and figures something isn’t exactly kosher. He calls two friends and they call two friends and eventually the Torch pulls together Spidey’s other closest friends in the Marvel Universe, Daredevil and… Captain America? Fine.

Specifically, let's find his half-eaten rotted corpse!
Specifically, let’s find his half-eaten rotted corpse!

The three heroes split up to look for this new Spidey and they eventually all find him. Seperately. Which is weird. Anyway, they figure out that this isn’t Spidey pretty quickly as he endangers a baby and throws bricks at the Human Torch. No spider in history has ever thrown a brick at anyone. (If you have knowledge of spiders hurling bricks at you or a friend, please post your story in the comments.)

Does whatever a spider can.
Does whatever a spider can.

Spidey’s Amazing Friends meet up at the Baxter Building where MJ continues to wait and cry. They tell her that they believe her about the new brutal Spider-Man being an imposter and she tells them that she’s actually Mrs. Spider-Man. (You know, I would kill for some Golden Age Spider-Man stories where MJ tries to trick Spider-Man into marrying her.)

Meanwhile, New York is having bigger problems as a gross rat monster known as the Vermin has been dragging folks into the sewer and eating them. Trust me, this is a bigger deal in the original story. The Vermin attacks J Jonah Jameson while he’s waiting for a cab and is about to drag him into the sewer to make J Jonah Jibblets when Spider-Kraven arrives.

"Somebody grabbed me! It must be that fucker Spider-Man!"
“Somebody grabbed me! It must be that fucker Spider-Man!”

This, of course, results in a rant of “Help! Spider-Man and his best friend this giant rat were going to eat me!” which is definitely newsworthy.

The Torch, Cap and Daredevil arrive and then everyone beats the shit out of each other for a while. Beaten, Kraven flees and the heroes follow him back to the cemetery where the find he has dug up Peter’s grave and is now eating him. Which is all sorts of disgusting. The Torch finally beats Kraven while Cap puts a tarp over the devoured remains of Peter Parker. Who was eaten. By a silver age villain in a lion vest.

"That's weird. There's a giant pile of mouldy ground beef wrapped in a Spider-Man costume in here!"
“That’s weird. There’s a giant pile of mouldy ground beef wrapped in a Spider-Man costume in here!”

Everyone heads back to Mary Jane’s place where she cries a lot more but at least can stop standing by windows now. Kraven gets carted to a mental institution where he can eat all the spiders he wants and maybe eventually work for Dracula which I am now realizing is a comic I absolutely want to read.

Uatu, did you turn him into Wolverine? Did you turn him into Wolverine because you sent Wolverine back in time because you are a total ass bucket?
Uatu, did you turn him into Wolverine? Did you turn him into Wolverine because you sent Wolverine back in time because you are a total ass bucket?

Meanwhile, MJ goes to tell Aunt May what’s happened to her nephew but this is mean crotchety Aunt May who doesn’t believe her and is mostly just a jerk. Thanks for nothing, Aunt May! Now who’s going to lift machinery to get you your heart medication?! You dick!

Aunt May here played by Almira Gulch.
Aunt May here played by Almira Gulch.

At the funeral, Mary Jane has the bright idea to hold a press conference at the Baxter Building telling the world what a hero Spider-Man actually was. In life, wealth and fame he may have ignore, but in death he should at least get some praise. Unfortunately, Jameson shows up to present his yelling, hysterical side of the story. Everyone latches on a picture of the Torch trying to get JJJ to leave and ignores the whole “abusing a grieving widow” angle. All of this results in a world much less trusting of super-heroes. The president bans super heroes from meeting and the Avengers and the FF close up shop. So look forward to that next Skrull invasion, folks! Meanwhile, Mary Jane apologizes to Peter’s grave for screwing up his death worse than he screwed up his life!

Old People: Heroes or Menaceses? Menasees? Menses? Whatever.
Old People: Heroes or Menaceses? Menasees? Menses? Whatever.

What If Comics: A Fun Super Powered Romp For Everyone!

What If The Watcher Was A Dickhole?

Uatu gets damn self-reflective this week as he turns his all-seeing eye to the man in the mirror and asks himself to change his ways. Specifically from someone who is forbidden to interfere to someone who is forbidden to interfere but still launches a dude into the timestream for daring to wander onto his doorstep. I do not want to know what the big bald douche has done to the legions of interstellar girl scouts who have approached his door.

Our tale this week begins on the moon where the Uncanny X-Men are defending Jean Grey from execution by the Shi’ar Empire. If you recall, there is a moment when Wolverine stumbles upon the Watcher’s house. If you do not recall, then it is handy I do these summaries, isn’t it?

The Watcher seriously values his privacy.
The Watcher seriously values his privacy.

The Watcher, who is a friend to humanity and defended us from Galactus that time, decides that he doesn’t want no filthy mutant wandering among his furniture and knowing what he gets up to in his spare time. Hypocrite, thy name is Uatu. Anyway, Watchie gets pissed and blasts Logan with visions from different alternate realities. That knocks our boy out and brings the X-Men one step closer to their defeat.

“But WHAT IF?” Uatu asks himself? “What if I didn’t just knock Logan out? What if I sent him screaming into the distant past, abandoned, alone and without a friend in the world or even knowledge of the local language? WHAT IF I DID THAT INCREDIBLY AWFUL THING FOR NO FUCKING REASON IN THE WORLD? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?” Well, U, what would happen would be that Wolverine fought Conan the Barbarian but it would not be nearly as fun as when Conan met Thor and they became friends.

This seems unnecessary.
This seems unnecessary.

Wolverine wakes up in a time undreamed of, back when Marvel still owned the rights to Conan. He is instantly attacked by a giant lizard dragon thing because Wolverine is the best there is at what he does and what he does is get amnesia, get attacked, get angry and get drunk. Most of these things happen in this issue.

After murdering the lizard monster, some bald villagers smacking at the dirt with a stick like all unimportant characters in a fantasy setting direct Wolvie to a nearby town where he can get his bearing and maybe get home. And also change out of his yellow spandex because nobody likes it.

Meanwhile, in that very town, Conan the Barbarian is drinking away his sorrows over the loss of his girlfriend, the pirate Belit (who has an umlaut or something over the e in her name but I will be damned if I know how to do that.). He is contacted by a vision of one of apparently hundreds of thousands of asshole dark wizards that Conan is constantly dealing with. This one’s name is Zukala and he offers to bring Conan’s ladyfriend back to life if Conan will bring him another asshole apparently non-dark wizard named Karanthese. Well, Conan’s in a pretty shitty mood and wizards are all jerks anyway so what the hell? Oh, Conan. This will not be good for your alignment meter.

How about you don't judge because at least he didn't send anyone to the past, you dick?
How about you don’t judge because at least he didn’t send anyone to the past, you dick?

The next morning, Wolverine has arrived in town where he mugs a singing drunk and steals his clothes. Wolverine’s spent time drunk in Madripoor. Ending up thousands of years in the past isn’t that difficult. Anyway, he’s attacked by Red Sonja who was strolling by when she saw him roll that drunk. Wolvie mistakes her for Jean because she is a red head and they all look literally the exact same in the Marvel universe. Seriously, Sonja has also been mistaken for Mary Jane Watson which means that Jean and MJ look identical too and what is happening with red heads in the Marvel U? Is this another clone thing?

Let's see, sword? Chainmail bikini? Speaking ancient Summarian? It MUST be Jean.
Let’s see, sword? Chainmail bikini? Speaking ancient Summarian? It MUST be Jean.

Anyway, they scuffle and Wolverine beats Sonja and if you know your Red Sonja lore that means that Wolverine is worthy to have sex with her which is gross so Wolvie leaves instead. What a gentleman. A short smelly murderous gentleman. He heads into a bar and Sonja, overcome by attraction to this guy who refused to rape her, follows. Soon they have struck up a friendship based on an inability to understand one another at all which is when Sonja notices Conan walking by.

Wolverine's got a weird little troll thing going on in this issue?
Wolverine’s got a weird little troll thing going on in this issue?

Conan’s on his way to Karanthese’s temple but unbeknownst to him, Red Sonja is working a job as a bodyguard of Karanthese. There’s a pretty long fight which is understandable if you’ve been given the job of having Conan fight Wolverine which ends with Sonja knocked out and Wolverine half-naked and decapitated. Except of course you can’t decapitate Wolverine because of his adamantium bones so instead no blood gets to his brain, giving the mutant extremely severe brain damage. Which is awesome. Conan leaves Wolverine but takes Sonja and the wizard.

SUCKERED BY CONAN!
SUCKERED BY CONAN!

That night, Wolverine has healed enough to track Conan but all his higher brain functions are pretty much gone and he’s all animal-y now. He tracks Conan to Zukala’s wizard tower where Conan is preparing to sacrifice Sonja so Belit can live again. That’s a totally asshole move, Conan. You dick. Go put a shirt on, you jerk. Wolverine and Conan fight some more and Wolverine cuts Conan’s fucking hand off which is pretty goddamn awesome.

"No! I'll have to get a bad-ass hook like 90s Aquaman!"
“No! I’ll have to get a bad-ass hook like 90s Aquaman!”

Meanwhile, Zukala has used his stupid powers to peer into Wolverine’s mind and realizes that he has been sent from the future. And also the moon.

“This is a man whose backstory I would read about in one to twelve serialized magazine adventures each month.” Zukala thinks. “But no time for that now!”

He opens a time pool to Wolverine’s home and lures the mutant to it. Then he summons a giant demon to fight Conan who has considered his missing hand, had a change of heart and is now trying to rescue Sonja. Wolverine is distracted by the monster and seeing Sonja in trouble returns his senses and then he and Conan both fight the demon until it knocks Conan into the time pool.

Listen, guys. It is about 82 degrees outside right now and that time pool looks refreshing as hell.
Listen, guys. It is about 82 degrees outside right now and that time pool looks refreshing as hell.

Pissed to have missed his flight home, Wolverine murders Zukala and then saves Sonja and the wizard. The three escape from the tower which is now crumbling in accordance with the fifth law of heroic fantasy. The wizard goes home and Logan and Sonja ride off into the sunset to live their lives together, learn to speak to each other and eventually become kings by their own hands. But that is another story.

Meanwhile, Conan pops out on the moon, murders a couple of members of the imperial guard and then fails to stop Jean from becoming the Dark Phoenix again, resulting in the Phoenix killing everyone on first the moon and then earth. That includes you, Uatu. That’s why you don’t send people back in time for no fucking reason. The hell is wrong with you?

Look at that shrug! "Whoops!" What an asshole! I'm glad you're dead!
Look at that shrug! “Whoops!” What an asshole! I’m glad you’re dead!