What If It Was The Fantastic Five Again?

It’s a story we’ve tackled over and over and over again. What if something happened in that first year of the Fantastic Four’s run? Hey, listen, it could be Atlantis Attacks again. And speaking of Atlantis and attacking, let’s talk about the time the Human Torch attacked a homeless man from Atlantis. The Torch is having a hissy-fit at the rest of the FF because he is clearly the one who got the short end of the stick in their whole getting powers thing. He leaves the Baxter Building and spends the night at what the texts continue to describe as a “flop house.” There he finds a familiar homeless person and sets his beard on fire. Then he throws said homeless person in the ocean and said homeless person luckily turns out to be Namor the Sub-Mariner. Because otherwise the FF would have a fucking lawsuit on their hands.

The Human Torch solves New York's homeless problem, one man at a time.
The Human Torch solves New York’s homeless problem, one man at a time.

While in our reality, the Torch dumps Namor in the drink on his own, in this issue we see the rest of the Fantastic Four helping to search for Johnny and them all watching him toss a strange man into the sea. Nobody seems to think this is a bad idea.

Anyway, Namor emerges from the ocean, pissed as hell but Sue Storm and the FF are able to calm him down. While they admit that Atlantis was destroyed years ago, they convince their new fishy friend to stick around, join the team and they can maybe help him find his people. Possibly before Atlantis Attacks and a giant snake devours the She-Hulk.

The Thing lets the new guy borrow his undies.
The Thing lets the new guy borrow his undies.

Namor’s first mission with the Fantastic Five is inevitably going to be the one where Doctor Doom sends the team back in time to search for Blackbeard’s treasure because it always is. Fuck you, Doom. You become a god on multiple occasions. Why the hell do you want some dead asshole’s doubloons? Anyway, Doom holds Sue hostage because she’s the woman and sends the rest of the team into the past. Luckily for everyone, Namor is familiar with Blackbeard’s treasure from when his team recovered the wreck years ago and knows exactly where to find it. Unfortunately, once he finds it, it is no longer there in the future for his people to discover and thus the location is lost to him so he could never find it in the first place and… GODDAMNIT, TIME TRAVEL. The hell with this, everyone back to the present to beat up Doom. That motherfucker.

"I see you're wondering about my friend's ears. He was injured... in a... mechanical rice picker."
“I see you’re wondering about my friend’s ears. He was injured… in a… mechanical rice picker.”

Back in the present, Namor unleashes the magical power of Blackbeard’s gold. Specifically, the gems of Merlin that were hidden among it. Jesus, how many famous historical figures interacted with this treasure? Did it also contain the bow of Robin Hood, the crown of Genghis Khan, the Dracula trophy of Dracula and the microphone of Elvis? Anyway, Namor unleashes the power of Merlin to turn Doom into a squirrel and then be seduced by another squirrel. Unfortunately, it’s just another fucking Doombot so guess who is still around to make bombastic statements and talk about himself in the third person. Fucking Doom.

The FF5 share many more exciting adventures all of which are made easier because Namor is there and isn’t he just so great? The super-apes of the Red Ghost are no match for the chiseled pecs of Namor the Sub-Mariner. Nor is Reed Richards and his stretchy flabby man chest. As he and Sue grow apart, she and Namor grow closer together until one evening whilst they enact the flying scene from Superman, Namor asks Sue to marry him. She says yes and luckily in this case, does not have her body permanently altered so it can live underwater. Good call, Sue. Excellent foresight. They do have a rather swinging wedding though (As far as I can tell, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby are NOT invited.) and at the wedding toast, Reed proclaims that he is leaving the FF to pursue his scientific pursuits. Jesus, Reed. Way to bring the room down.

Way to bring down the party, REED.
Way to bring down the party, REED.

Fortunately, things seem to work out pretty well. The Fantastic Once Again Four continue to be a force for good in the Marvel Universe. Namor and Sue are expecting their first child while Reed opens Richtech where he can develop technology of the future without being distracted by frivolous things like fighting crime and being with a loving family. Alas, the good times cannot last forever. Needing a lab assistant, Reed hires hot foreign redhead Lissette Orlova and yes, those of you with linguistic degrees in the languages of fake eastern European countries, that IS a Latveria name. You see, Lissette is a spy for Doctor Doom, poisoning Reed even as she falls in love with him.

"Face it, tiger. You just hit... wait, that's not me."
“Face it, tiger. You just hit… wait, that’s not me.”

Eventually, Doom places his plan into action. He kidnaps Reed and his… weird purple singlet thingy and injects him with a neurotoxin that completely saps his free will. Meanwhile, Lisette apologizes. A LOT. Doom drags Reed to the Baxter Building and uses Reed’s knowledge to bypass the security systems. It’s a lot like the Baxter Building level of the Maximum Carnage game except the soundtrack is provided by Reed’s whimpers and not the musical stylings of Green Jelly.

After sealing Ben and Johnny in their rooms, Doom attacks Namor and Sue and their one set of pyjamas. Doom beats Namor pretty easily and then starts strangling Sue. Unfortunately for Sue, she has forgotten that she is the most powerful member of the FF and has beaten Doom numerous times and just lets herself be strangled until Reed snaps out of it and attacks Doom. Then Doom throws him at the window and Reed cuts himself badly, forgetting that he is a stretchy guy. I guess amnesia is communicable by air. Anyway, Doom escapes vowing revenge but the issue is almost over so I guess don’t worry about him.

The FF and Lissette rush Reed to a hospital where a blood transfusion from a Stretch Armstrong doll saves his life. Then Reed realizes that he loves Lissette and they hook up and they all live happily ever after with their creepy, creepy offspring.

PS Doom exploded on the way home.

 

What If the Punisher Killed Daredevil… And Then Later Spider-Man… And The Kingpin… And Himself And Jesus, He was Busy This Week…

We open this week’s issue with… well, the death of Daredevil. I mean, it’s right there in the title and Uatu does NOT mess around.

“We don’t have time for me to catch you up this month, losers! A MAN IS DEAD.”

And indeed one is. During a random fight between the Punisher and Daredevil, Frank shoots Matt with a tranquilizer dart. Which is a fine thing to do to a super hero. Unless he falls off the damn roof. Which he did. And splatters across the pavement like the smear without fear.

"WAA-HA-HA-HOOEY!"
“WAA-HA-HA-HOOEY!”

The news takes New York by storm. In his tower, the Kingpin springs into action. Well, he eases slowly out of his chair into action but that’s not really important right now. Franklin “Foggy” Nelson, shocked by Matt’s death, delivers information on New York’s criminal underworld to Ben Urich which results in many crooked politicians being arrested. Meanwhile, angered by the death of his best pal, Daredevil, Spider-Man vows to finally take down the Punisher. After a couple of panels talking about how he secretly was fine with the Punisher murdering mobsters. Apparently with great power comes great responsibility and that responsibility is to stand aside and do nothing.

Goddamnit, Peter.
Goddamnit, Peter.

The assault on the Punisher doesn’t really work out in Peter’s favour though. While he does manage to beat Frank to within an inch of his life, he didn’t count on the one thing he should have: specifically the Punisher using a gun. Frank blasts Spidey in the shoulder and then leaves him on the sidewalk. The good news is that Spidey is safely taken to a hospital. The bad news is that he is not taken with his mask. The next day’s Daily Bugle leads with the headline: Spider-Man: Menace or Employee Of The Month? And then if that weren’t bad enough, Aunt May is exploded. Don’t panic, it’s by the mafia. Not… just randomly.

"That awful Garfield sent Nermal to Abu Dabi again!"
“That awful Garfield sent Nermal to Abu Dabi again!”

A representation of New York’s super heroes meet with the mayor who forbids them to take on the Punisher.

“Let the cops handle it.”

“Sure,” says Captain America. “Because THAT’S worked great since the seventies.”

He does alert all of the super heroes though and that plan works for about six seconds before Cloak and Dagger take on Frank. They do a reasonably good job of fighting him but eventually he just jumps in the Hudson River like so much Kramer and escapes.

Behold the costume of Dagger. Her boobs literally point to where her crotch is.
Behold the costume of Dagger. Her boobs literally point to where her crotch is.

When the cops’ inability to stop the Punisher combines with so many politicians accused of corruption, the mayor steps down. You’d think this would get the Avengers and the Fantastic Four back to looking for the Punisher but they just stay indoors and wait for the whole messy business to blow over. Nice job, guys.

Frank also has a low opinion of folksy home-spun wisdom.
Frank also has a low opinion of folksy home-spun wisdom.

Not long after, Ben Urich and his bodyguard are murdered by mob guys and worse, Peter Parker is told of his aunt’s explosion and released from hospital. On very STRONG medication. Pete manages to track the Punisher to the new Mayor’s inauguration ceremony. Peter comes on a little strong and Frank blows him away. Goddamnit, Frank. You can’t shoot your problems away. When every tool looks like a gun, every problem looks like a pimp on crack.

Peter Parker: The Hysterical Spider-Man! His powers: Advantageous! His sanity: Questionable!
Peter Parker: The Hysterical Spider-Man! His powers: Advantageous! His sanity: Questionable!

With his great… foe? Spider-Man dead, Frank heads for Fisk Tower to take on the Kingpin. With a knife. Good planning, Frank. There he finds Fisk and the new mayor plotting. Turns out this entire thing has been a plan since Daredevil died to bump out the rival mobs and get the super heroes distracted chasing Frank around. Except they were specifically not to do that so it’s a good thing it worked out anyway. The Kingpin chokes the Punisher to death, finally killing him and removing all the street level characters from New York. Damnit, Kingpin! Now who will helm the Marvel Knight imprint? Unfortunately for Fisk, Punisher has taken a cue from Aunt May and has the Kingpin exploded.  

"If you can read this, you are about to explode. -Love, Frank."
“If you can read this, you are about to explode. -Love, Frank.”

What If I Had Had It With These Motherfucking Snakes In This Motherfucking Marvel Universe? (Remember that? Remember when that was a thing?)

This week, we travel back to that most well-known of crossover, Atlantis Attacks. And I honestly have no idea how this issue of What If could possibly improve upon it. Mostly because I had no idea what Atlantis Attacks was about, except for the stray issue that floated through the comic store I used to work at. Apparently, it begins with the Silver Surfer (a popular fellow around here recently.) battling some dude called Ghaur, some kind of blue… space wizard with an incredibly difficult name to spell. Ghaur had been turned into an intelligent gas and was briefly stole the Surfer’s power so he could become human again. But, like a blue human. I guess this is how Ghaur rolls.

"Attack, Atlantis! Poke them with your jaggedy spears!"
“Attack, Atlantis! Poke them with your jaggedy spears!”

Once he has returned to Earth, he sets about attempting to summon the giant snake demon Set by convincing the current leader of Atlantis Attuma to attack the surface. As if Atlantis ever needed an excuse to attack the surface. Most of the time, “Prince Namor has a winged boner* and wants to take another shot at the Invisible Woman.” will do in a pinch. The second part of Ghaur’s plan involves him kidnapping seven lady superheroes to be Set’s seven brides. You may recall the musical that was based on these events: “Seven Brides For Seven Screaming Demonic Snake Heads.” It won a Tony!

Next, Ghaur begins building his army by getting a bunch of drug addicts and infecting them with a serum that turns them into snake people. Unfortunately for him, there is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the grips of a serious snake god cult serum.

"My name is Jimmy and I'm a snake monster." "Hi, Jimmy."
“My name is Jimmy and I’m a snake monster.”
“Hi, Jimmy.”

Finally Ghaur succeeds in summoning Set to Earth by uniting all of the Serpent Crowns in the multiverse which blesses him with a giant seven headed snake monster. Nice job, Ghaur! Why on Earth did you want this?

Problems arise and our reality sharply turns to this new one when

  1. Namor is killed in a boating explosion like someone took out a mob hit on him.
  2. The Punisher and Moon Knight fail to stop Ghaur from infecting New York’s drug fiends with Serpent Crack and are indeed themselves turned into snake men.
  3. Thor fails to get his naked half-brother to help him protect Thor’s mother Gaea, the spirit of the Earth and the character Whoopi Goldberg played on Captain Planet.
  4. Dr. Strange, the Thing, Thor and Quasar travel to Set’s home dimension hoping to lure the big gross jerk home but the Thing is eaten by a giant slug, Quasar is cast into eternity and Dr Strange is burned to death by slug fire. Yes, these giant slugs breathe fire. This is the worst place in the entire universe.
Frank can now murder mobsters and then swallow them whole.
Frank can now murder mobsters and then swallow them whole.

Back on Earth, the Avengers take a run at defeating Set and fail utterly. The Beast and the Wasp are both burned to death and then Set goes all Hungry Hungry Hippos, devouring Hank Pym and Ghaur. So at least that’s one problem solved! And also Ghaur is dead! Yeah, fuck you, Hank Pym.

That middle head just looks embarrassed to be here.
That middle head just looks embarrassed to be here.

 

The remaining superheroes mount an attack on Set and its remaining minions under the sea and they get their ASSES KICKED. Like, this shit is embarrassing. Somebody stabs Captain America in the back with a giant tuning fork. That is not how Captain America dies. He gets shot with a time bullet, obviously. The only survivor is Thor who gets his ass beat so badly he is cast out of the ocean

Back in New York, the armies of Set have infected the city’s water supply, transforming everyone into hilarious snake-headed monsters. Seriously, look at these guys. They’re ADORABLE.

My favourite is the guy in the suit.
My favourite is the guy in the suit.
This guy. He looks like when Kermit the Frog became an ad executive.
This guy. He looks like when Kermit the Frog became an ad executive.

In the Baxter Building, Thor regroups yet again with Rachel Grey, Doctor Doom, Wolverine, Sabretooth, the Grey Hulk, Cloak and somebody who I am told is the Aquarian but who I am pretty sure is Jesus Christ**. Most of these guys have been protected from the Snake Serum because of their healing factors and in Doom’s case because he only drinks his own urine, purified through his armour. This is my personal head canon. Deciding they have no other options, the remaining heroes resolve to kill Set’s brides so that they cannot birth Set’s unholy snake babies and also defeat Set once and for all. It’s not a great plan but let’s face it, aside from Doom and maybe Rachel, we aren’t talking a team of great thinkers here.

Sabretooth, you're the worst.
Sabretooth, you’re the worst.

 

Meanwhile, in eternity, Quasar has been falling for several days. He eventually decides that this plan isn’t working the way he hoped, and stops falling, returning to the place of the giant slug battle. There he finds the remains of the Thing and also Dr Strange’s Eye of Agamotto. Then he yells for a while which helps nobody.

Back on Earth, the heroes make their two-pronged attack. Wolverine leads his squad to assassinate the brides of Set when they are attacked by an army of snake-headed superheroes and it is going to take a real effort not to just post pictures of these guys because they are hilarious. Look at snake Colossus. That’s just wonderful.

"AH WUZ ONCE A MAN, SUG!"
“AH WUZ ONCE A MAN, SUG!”

While the snake army is not much of a threat, the mind controlled brides pretty much ruin our boys. Storm incinerates Sabretooth with a lightening bolt, proving that Storm is the shit and Sabretooth is garbage. The Invisible Woman cuts off the Hulk’s air supply which forces him to return to Bruce Banner after which She-Hulk and Andromeda beat him to death. The Scarlet Witch changes Wolverine’s molecules into anti-matter and then throws him at Jesus and they both explode. Try coming back from that, Jesus! And finally, Cloak is bombarded with light energy and is sucked into his own shadow dimension. He looks sad but Cloak always looks kind of sad, so maybe this is okay for him.

 

Meanwhile, Thor and his buddies make their attack on Set. It doesn’t go well. Doom is burned to death by the serpent’s fiery breath but he goes out like a champ so it’s still pretty damn awesome.

Metal as hell.
Metal as hell.

 

While Rachel uses the Phoenix Force to blind and weaken Set, Thor tosses his hammer, splattering one of the monster’s seven heads. Then the Phoenix Force craps out and Rachel falls to the ground, shattering every bone in her body. Whoops.

Thor attacks Set some more but only ends up covered in fourth degree burns all over his body. He’s grabbed at the last second by that giant hand from Cabin in the Woods and dragged into the center of the Earth by his mother Gaea who keeps him frozen in carbonite for all eternity where he will be safe. Thanks, mom.

Then, because everyone else is dead or swallowing bird eggs whole, the Silver Surfer arrives and blows off another of Set’s heads. Nice one, Surfer. Where the hell was the amazing sense of timing twenty minutes ago when everyone was still alive?

Set's head is full of candy.
Set’s head is full of candy.

 

Set knocks the Surfer for a loop and then Quasar shows up, fifty feet tall and pissed. He’s combined the Eye of Agamotto with his Quasar powers and also his Captain Universe powers and he’s also activated Rita Repulsa’s growth staff so now he’s ready for Whacking Day. Unfortunately, all he succeeds in doing is sucking himself and Set into the Eye where they will battle for all eternity. But Set is defeated! So that’s good, right?

Not so much. Each of Set’s seven brides give birth to a giant snake monster of their own who promptly devour their mothers and then set about eating every other snake hybrid on Earth, before slipping into other dimensions to begin the cycle again! So thanks for your heroic sacrifice, Quasar!

Little something for the Vore fetishists out there.
Little something for the Vore fetishists out there.

 

*Editor’s Note: Another name for Namor’s penis is Quetzalcoatl: The Winged Feathered Serpent!

**First appearance: The Bible, True Believers! In God!

What If Magic Punisher Fought Vampire Wolverine And Holy Crap This Issue Is Awesome!

Oh, man. This issue. This was great. We open on someone we haven’t seen in a long time: Snarky Watcher. The Watcher from the alternate universe that doesn’t particularly feel like introducing himself to you lesser, uglier mortals.

“Really? I need to introduce myself? It’s issue twenty-four of the second volume of the series. Man, nobody has it harder than me.”
“Really? I need to introduce myself? It’s issue twenty-four of the second volume of the series. Man, nobody has it harder than me.”

Uatu then introduces us to this week’s story, which starts that time that Dracula, the Lord of the Vampires, decided he was really, really into the X-Men’s Storm. He enthralls her with his creepy pick-up artist magics and is only defeated when Storm watches him almost execute her friends. She zaps him with lightening and he fucks off because he suddenly respects her, I guess. Take a walk, Dracula. You’re gross.

Storm only takes this crap for so long.
Storm only takes this crap for so long.

Anyway, in this universe, Uatu tells us that Drac has already completely enthralled Storm and when he uses his magic on her fellow X-Men, she helps out because thanks for nothing, Storm. Jeez. Dracula drains the blood of Colossus, Nightcrawler and Wolverine and three days later, they rise again.

This is easily the worst orgy I've ever attended.
This is easily the worst orgy I’ve ever attended.

While Colossus and Nightcrawler arrive, ready to serve Dracula in his plans of seducing women he finds attractive and possibly buying real estate in England, Wolverine isn’t really into the whole idea. Dracula identifies Wolverine as “a strong willed individual” who can resist Dracula’s mind control. Which is a huge burn to poor Storm, Nightcrawler and… well, Colossus was never the best decision maker. Obeying the will of Dracula’s mustache is probably a good thing.

Wolverine decides he likes the idea of becoming Lord of the Vampires and figures that murdering Drac is the first step. Then he turns into mist and also a wolf to battle history’s most famous vampire. I have absolutely no clue what happens to Wolverine’s adamantium skeleton when he transforms and apparently neither does the comic because it is not mentioned. I personally dream of a world where Wolverine becomes mist and his skeleton plops onto the floor but no luck.

What, uh, what's up with your leg there, Drac? Is that a vampire power?
What, uh, what’s up with your leg there, Drac? Is that a vampire power?

 

Drac and Wolvie tussle for a while but it’s pretty clear that Dracula’s not in the best shape for this fight. Come on, man. Where’s the Marvel Tomb of Dracula Drac that I fell in love with? But unfortunately for fans of 70s horror comics, Wolverine eventually beheads Dracula. Then, if he’s smart, he fills the head with garlic, tosses it in a bucket of holy water, sticks it in a crate and throws it off a bridge. That Dracula is a tenacious son of a bitch.

Wolverine and his monstrous vampire pubic hair.
Wolverine and his monstrous vampire pubic hair.

With Dracula dead and loving it, Wolverine takes up the fancy cape and proclaims himself king of Vampires. Then he tastes the blood of Dracula and is flooded by Dracula’s evil. Which I guess lives in blood. Good to know. Anyway, if Vampire Wolverine weren’t bad enough, Logan becomes incredibly evil Vampire Wolverine. And then he begins infecting the rest of the X-books, starting with the New Mutants (“Logan, this one can already turn into a wolf!” “Damnit, Rahne!”) and moving onto the other X-villains.

I liked it better when Batman fought Dracula.
I liked it better when Batman fought Dracula.

“Look,” Wolverine says. “What’s cooler than Magneto? VAMPIRE Magneto.”

And he is not wrong.

After taking out the mutant population, the X-Vampires (which is not a very good commando name) turn their attention to the one person who can defeat a mighty vampire: Dr. Strange. I guess Blade was on vacation this week. He sends Vampire Juggernaut who makes short work of the good doctor. Man, I used to have a lot of respect for Strange but the Juggernaut? That guy is terrible. Anyway, Juggernaut shatters the everloving blue eyed shit out of Doc’s spine and then Wolverine feeds his body to albino crocodiles because the dude is thorough.

I can't shake the terrifying idea of Dr Strange reconstituting his body from gator shit.
I can’t shake the terrifying idea of Dr Strange reconstituting his body from gator shit.

 

After that, the vampire invasion of New York begins in earnest. Wolverine’s army starts turning random members of the superhero population and killing others. (“Hey, Wolverine. You want to make Daredevil a vampire?” “Nah, that guy’s an asshole.” “How about the Hulk?” “A vampire Hulk?! How could that possibly go wrong!”) The vampire army full-on attacks Times Square and announces their presence to the world. As a result, the US government quarantines New York and the rest of the world closes its borders to Americans.

Somebody in the What If offices was NOT a fan of Reagan.
Somebody in the What If offices was NOT a fan of Reagan.

Meanwhile, in the astral plain, Strange’s ghost is visited by the spirit of his dead boss, the Ancient One.

“You let New York get overrun by vampires, Stephen?” the Ancient One asks, rubbing his spectral forehead with a finger that doesn’t exist.

“…sorry.” Strange replies.

“Listen, go back to Earth. Find some dude to be your proxy. Give him some magic and show him the Montesi Formula. That’s the spell to destroy all vampires on Earth.”

“I know what it is.” says Strange.

“Do you?” The Ancient One replies. “Because it was in a fucking book you OWN and yet vampires are still a thing!”

Strange returns to Earth to find somebody who hasn’t yet been turned by vampires to help him and of course it’s the fucking Punisher. Marvel history has taught us that, no matter what happens, the Punisher will still be shooting assholes at the end of the world. If he’d been alive during the biblical floods, Frank Castle would be rowing a boat around and shooting fish with mafia ties.

I'm gonna be honest, it's a good look for him.
I’m gonna be honest, it’s a good look for him.

Strange gifts the Punisher with his cloak of levitation and the eye of Agamotto and if you think that shit doesn’t look tight as hell, you are nuts, my friend. As Frank arrives at Strange’s sanctum sanctorum, he’s attacked by the X-Vampires and dispatches them easily with a gun full of silver bullets and in Colossus’ case, a super soaker full of holy water.

WETTER IS BETTER
WETTER IS BETTER

 

With the X-Vampires defeated, Wolverine attacks in his big cape and scary skull belt. It’s a good look for him but unfortunately there can be only one big skull guy in town. Frank and Logan fight some more, bringing the battle into Strange’s home where Strange’s protective spells weaken Logan. The fight is going well for the Punisher until Vampire Kitty Pryde appears out of nowhere (and I mean literally nowhere. She hasn’t been in this story at all.) and Frank cuts her head off. Seeing Kitty die, Wolverine loses it and stabs Frank to death. Then he cries over the teenage girl he accidentally got murdered.

This is hilarious.
This is hilarious.

At this point, Strange’s ghost shows up to lay a serious guilt trip on Logan.

“Hey, way to kill that teenage girl, murderer.”

“I didn’t kill her! I turned her into a souless monster bent on destroying the human race!”

“Then why’s she so dead? Killer?”

Wolverine’s crisis of concious finally breaks the spell Dracula’s evil blood had on him (apparently) and he reads the Montesi Formula, killing all the vampires including himself. As the majesty that is Vampire Hulk crumbles to dust, all he can think is “I was too awesome for this world.”

What If The All-Old All-The Same X-Men Stuck Around?

So we open our story with the X-Men’s attack on Krakoa, the Island That Is Like A Land! However, unlike in the classic Giant Sized X-Men Number One, the original X-People (That’s Cyclops, Beast, Angel, Iceman, Marvel Girl, Havok and Polaris, true believers!) are actually able to defeat a stupid fucking island. Nice job, guys. Unfortunately, that new line-up was all that was preventing you guys from getting cancelled so… see you around. The End!

"There will be absolutely no fun on this mission, Iceman!" -Cyclops, always probably.
“There will be absolutely no fun on this mission, Iceman!” -Cyclops, always probably.

Okay, maybe not. So the classic X-Men reunite for more exciting adventures. Eventually. First they fight Count Nefaria and his Ani-Men and those guys are 100 percent pure garbage. The X-Men make such short work of those losers, it doesn’t even take a panel. Then they go on to fight Erik the Red and his two sidekicks, Nightcrawler and Proudstar (which I realize is Thunderbird’s actual last name but makes him sound like a She-Ra character.). Luckily for the X-Men, they are on a serious roll lately and they kick additional ass, arresting Erik and James. Nightcrawler escapes because that is what he is good at and also swears revenge for some reason.

"--It shall be completely unexpected and at the end of the book!"
“–Probably at the end of the book!”

The X-Men unmask Erik who is revealed to be some dude from the Shi’ar Empire who is messing with them pre-Phoenix Saga. After some discussion, the X-Men decide that local law enforcement is probably too busy to deal with… you know, an alien criminal so they have Erik illegally detained with Moira Mactaggart on Muir Island. Apparently, they’ve been keeping a lot of X-criminals there including Baby Magneto. This is probably a good time to remind everyone that Magento was a baby for a while. And not in the way we were all babies for a while. Like… again.

Nobody ever tells you how much fun being Erik the Red is. It's why Cyclops has been so depressed since then.
Nobody ever tells you how much fun being Erik the Red is. It’s why Cyclops has been so depressed since then.

While they’re sticking Erik in the mutant version of Guantanamo Bay, the X-Men get a phonecall from the Beast. Apparently, he and Professor X are being attacked by Sentinals. Again. Once again, the X-Men kick ass off panel and eventually end up in space. Somehow. They have to somehow land their spaceship but it’s flooding with radiation and only Jean can use her telepathic powers to pilot the ship and save the day at the cost of her own life. Until Polaris reminds everybody that she has magentic powers and everyone should shut up and stop trying to sacrifice themselves, you bunch of noble idiots.

Polaris instantly becomes my favourite character.
Polaris instantly becomes my favourite character.

Having safely returned to Earth, the X-Men are home about six seconds (Long enough for Beast to rejoin the team. Good to have you back, Hank.) before Lilandra of the Shi’ar brings them back into fucking space for more adventure. Now they have to protect the M’Krann crystal from Emperor D’Ken before he can bring about the universal apocalypse. Which is a bad thing. Probably.

The X-Men team up with the Starjammers briefly (Just long enough for Cyclops to glance at Corsair and think “Man, that guy sure looks like if my dad was a space pirate…”) and are then absorbed into the M’Krann crystal where Jean’s psychic rapport with the team keeps them from being hypnotized or whatever. Cyclops uses his eye beams to keep the crystal from cracking and everyone goes home pleased over a job well done. Good work, X-Men. Way to survive the experience!

Fingers crossed for Polaris and this robot fellow hanging out.
Fingers crossed for Polaris and this robot fellow hanging out.

Back on Earth (yet again), the X-Men do some more stuff the All-New X-Men did in an original X-Men manner. They battle Mesmero, Warhawk and the awesomely named Moses Magnum in Japan. They meet Canada’s terrible Alpha Flight and Cyclops is inspired by a short Canadian guy who smokes too much hitting on the daughter of a Japanese crime boss to ask Jean Grey to marry him. She almost agrees before she’s overcome by some Deanna Troi style psychic pain. She believes she is marrying some 18th century creep. Unlike in the real reality, where Jean quietly goes insane, the couple go to Professor X who tells them that Jean is being psychically manipulated. Well, we should probably check that out right away. Or alternately meet up with Kitty Pryde and Dazzler. Who do not appear in this comic but DO lead the X-Men to the Hellfire Club.

"Wolverine's so cool. I bet we'd be really good friends if he joined the team."
“Wolverine’s so cool. I bet we’d be really good friends if he joined the team.”

 

The X-Men enter the club through Angel’s membership and encounter Mastermind, whom Jean recognizes from her crazy person dream. The X-Men prepare for a final legendary showdown when… they’re kidnapped back into fucking space by Lilandra. You couldn’t have waited five minutes, Lil? Mastermind SUCKS.

Lilandra’s basically swung by as a courtesy.

“Hey,” she says. “You know your sun?”

“Yes?” answers Cyclops who does.

“Well, it turns out that the ancient chaos bringer Phoenix lives in there and it’s preparing to return and destroy the universe. So we’re just gonna put a pin in that and blow your sun up. That’s cool, right.”

“Um.” says Cyclops.

‘“Don’t worry, we’ll happily move your population to another planet.”

I feel like "Waaaaaaaaaiit a minute" should never come before "Are you going to blow up our sun." You lose your credibility.
I feel like “Waaaaaaaaaiit a minute” should never come before “Are you going to blow up our sun.” You lose your credibility.

Luckily for anyone who enjoys living on Earth, Cyclops is able to convince Lilandra to give him twenty-four hours to save the planet. After some research, Cyke discovers that the Phoenix can use a person as a host to stop it from rampaging. Which will also kill the host. Realizing that he’s almost gotten to the point of having a pretty good life and eager to put a stop to that, Cyclops volunteers.

Cyclop's idea of chaos bringing is staying up until 10:00pm on New Years with a box of wine and a cone shaped party hat.
Cyclop’s idea of chaos bringing is staying up until 10:00pm on New Years with a box of wine and a cone shaped party hat.

Unfortunately he never gets the chance because fucking Nightcrawler appears out of nowhere on this FUCKING SPACESHIP and bonks Scott on the head before stealing his shuttle and heading out to meet the Phoenix instead. He sends a quick phone call to the X-Men to say “Sorry about fighting you at the begining of the issue. I’ve been spying on you for months and realized you’re actually good people so I’m going to sacrifice myself in your place.” As the fuzzy german hero burns in the infinite fires of eternity, Scott gazes on and thinks “What a nice guy. He’d have been great on this team.”

Here is a man who knows he will never be in "The Draco."
Here is a man who knows he will never be in “The Draco.”

What If The Silver Surfer Battled The Devil For The Fantastic Four’s Souls? (This Comic Contains No Fiddle Contests.)

Man, did this one take a turn for me. When I saw the title (What If The Silver Surfer Were Stuck On Earth) my first reaction was “Awww, the Silver Surfer. That shiny motherfucker…” but this thing is great.

We open on the Silver Surfer fruitlessly bashing his head against the force field that Galactus has used to bound him to Earth because he looooooves it soooooooooo muuuuuuuch. The Fantastic Four watch awkwardly as their friend has a total freaking temper tantrum.

Ben wore a shirt because space is chilly.
Ben wore a shirt because space is chilly.

“You know,” Reed pipes up. “You could join the Fantastic Four. We haven’t done a Fantastic Five story in a while and those always end really well for everyone and never with the Torch trying to wipe out an entire people.”

The Surfer is hesitant but eventually agrees because Reed offers to continue experiments to get Shiny back into space. And so the wielder of the Power Cosmic joins the FF. And they start wrecking shit up. I mean, yes. Tough dudes like Doom and Terminus are on the ropes, sure but you don’t even want to know how badly they beat up the Mole Man. That shit is CRUEL. It’s like they turned on friggin’ god mode. This Fantastic Five makes that one with Spider-Man look like a box of garbage. Hey! You reading this, Spider-Man? Fuck you!

I just love whenever the FF are dynamically charging into battle and the artist draws Reed's little regular guy feet.
I just love whenever the FF are dynamically charging into battle and the artist draws Reed’s little regular guy feet.

Alas, time goes by and the Surfer continues to sink deeper and deeper into depression. All he really wants to do is get back out into space, see his wife and maybe egg the Beyonder’s house. He also refuses to go see Army of Darkness in the theater with Johnny and Ben so he is frankly WASTING his time on Earth.

It wasn't the alternate title in this universe! Also they kept the original ending in!
It wasn’t the alternate title in this universe! Also they kept the original ending in!

One night, Reed gets a call from a priest. Which is weird because Reed is a straight stone cold atheist. Like he even acts super awkward on the phone.

“Dr Richards? This is a priest.”

“…”

“H… hello? Dr Richards?”

“How did you get this number?”

“You’re in the phone book.”

“Uh… huh.”

“I have a matter of some… well, it’s of a supernatural bent.”

“I’ll give you Dr. Strange’s phone number.”

“N-No, Dr. Richards. I… the church could really use the Fantastic Five’s help.”

“UUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, FINE.”

"Sue! There's a robot on the phone who says we've won a cruise!"
“Sue! There’s a robot on the phone who says we’ve won a cruise!”

So Reed loads up all the Ghostbusters supplies he can find and the gang head over to New York’s spookiest church. They’re quickly alerted to some bad business when Reed notices the PKE meter spiking. And also the walls start bleeding and a pew starts flying around the room. Typical church stuff. And then a camera flies down the Priest’s mouth and he’s all into Evil Dead mode, prancing around in stop-motion and rhyming. Luckily, they’re then pulled into Hell before Ben has to cut his hand off and replace it with a chainsaw and if anyone wants to draw fan art of that, that would be awesome.

"Johnny, fetch me Tobin's Spirit Guide."
“Johnny, fetch me Tobin’s Spirit Guide.”

The Fantastic Five regain consciousness in actual hell, all strapped to rocks except for the Surfer who does not have time for Hell bullshit. I mean, neither does Reed but he has less say in the matter. They’re approached by Mephisto, he who is the devil, star of Ghost Rider: The Motion Picture. And MAN, does this giant red dude have a hate boner on for the Surfer. They’ve fought before and I guess the Surfer is like the purest most good dude in all of creation because Mephisto hasn’t wanted to drag someone to Hell this badly since Jesus. He does some typical Devil bragging, they have a pretty epic fight scene with one of the metalist splash pages I’ve seen since the X-Men went to Asgard and then Mephisto offers the Surfer a deal. If the Surfer volunteers to stay in Hell, not only will Mephisto free the FF but he’ll recall all his demons on Earth, bringing goodness to the entire world, prematurely ending Inferno and binding Johnny Blaze’s head in skin again (Huh, it turns out I’m really jonesing for a Ghost Rider comic. I want to see him battle a pope stealing wizard again. Let’s see here… issue 45? Son of a…). The Surfer reluctantly agrees and then Mephisto burns Johnny Storm to death to show that he’s serious.

“I already said I’d do it!” The Surfer yells.

“Talk faster.” The Lord of Douches replies.

"You fiend! You've turned him into a skeleton! Don't worry, Johnny! I'll spend the rest of my life trying to find a cure." "Don't hold yer breath, kid."
“You fiend! You’ve turned him into a skeleton! Don’t worry, Johnny! I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to find a cure.” “Don’t hold yer breath, kid.”

Anyway, true to his word, Mephisto boots the Fantastic Three back to Earth and then goes about drawing in every demon he has to bind the Surfer into Hell. And it’s actually pretty great. As the demons withdraw, people actually start to get a little better. They stop being less racist, crime drops, the Punisher actually puts away his guns. It’s the dawning of a beautiful new age.

"Weeeeeee'll meet agaaaaaaaaaaain. Don't know wheeeeeeeeeere, don't know wheeeeeeeeeen..."
“Weeeeeee’ll meet agaaaaaaaaaaain. Don’t know wheeeeeeeeeere, don’t know wheeeeeeeeeen…”

Back in Hell, Mephisto laughs. Humanity may be in a glorious golden age, but it won’t be forever. It’s not demons that make people shitty. They just help. And then he turns back to the important business of torturing the Surfer for all eternity. Unfortunately for him, the Surfer is having none of it. He won’t bend and in a fit of rage, Mephisto crushes him like a bug.

That little victory lasts about ten seconds before the giant glowing form of the Surfer appears behind the Devil, blinding him with heavenly light.

“THAT’S RIGHT, MOTHER FUCKER. I’M TOO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL TO BE DESTROYED. I’M GONNA BLIND YOU AND EVERY OTHER DEMONIC ASSHOLE IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY. SUCK MY LACK OF A DICK, SATAN!”

"YOU DIDN'T COUNT ON MY BEING THE MESSIAH, DID YOU, MOTHERFUCKER?"
“YOU DIDN’T COUNT ON MY BEING THE MESSIAH, DID YOU, MOTHERFUCKER?”

 

What If Spider-Man Married EVERYONE?

Previously on Forbidden To Interfere:

whatif6901

whatif6902

whatif6903

whatif6904

And Now The Conclusion:

We open on Spidey and the Black Cat at a secret midnight rendevouz in Nigara Falls where they’re getting married under the absolutely real names of Felina Harvey and Peter Porker. Their first night together is kind of a bust since Felicia can only perform sexually when she’s in costume. Sort of like Night Owl in Watchmen but less pathetic and almost no Leonard Cohen.

Butt? Are you trying to say in the butt?
Butt? Are you trying to say in the butt?

So they call the honeymoon short and head back to New York where they can get back to kicking asses. But Black Cat still isn’t happy because they’re married but Peter won’t let her move in with him because it will reveal his secret identity to everyone. Which is Peter Parker’s number one hang-up ever but you should be able to live in the same building as your spouse. Trust me on this, I know from experience.

Gee, Spidey. Maybe you should have put more than six seconds of thought into this plan.
Gee, Spidey. Maybe you should have put more than six seconds of thought into this plan.

 

Meanwhile, that scum bag from last issue meets up with a mysterious benefactor who turns out to be the Vulture who gets Spider-Man’s name and then kills the scum bag because the Vulture is a flying asshole. He then flies his asshole over to Aunt May’s place and blows it the fuck up.

 

Spidey finds out and races over and luckily for him, Aunt May was in the basement and is still alive.  I swear to god, she’s like Schrodengier’s Aunt. She’s simoultaneously the most brittle and hardest to kill woman in the entire Marvel Universe. Woman got shot in the fucking heart at eighty and she can still make fucking wheat cakes.

"Aunt May, I love you more than anyone ever."
“Aunt May, I love you more than anyone ever.”

 

Anyway, Peter flips out like he always does when someone hospitalizes his aunt and finds the Vulture and beats the fucking hell out of him. Silver Sable and the Wild Pack arrive and take the Vulture into custody before Peter beats him to death.Then Peter yells at Felicia for being sloppy about keeping his one secret. It’s like his number one priority. After responsibility and whether or not great power accompanies it. In any case, to keep a long story short, Peter dumps Felicia. Well, that was a real nice weekend of marriage we had.

We are fortunately spared a third issue of this where Spider-Man and Black Cat go to couple's therapy.
We are fortunately spared a third issue of this where Spider-Man and Black Cat go to couple’s therapy.

Peter goes to see Silver Sable and uses her as his shoulder to cry on. Boy, it sure seems like these two are getting along pretty chummy. Jesus, Parker. Maybe you should stop leaping into relationships. Nobody is supposed to accure three ex-wives in a year, let alone a month.

So is her spandex perfectly reflective? Because that's pretty hot and I don't know why.
So is her spandex perfectly reflective? Because that’s pretty hot and I don’t know why.

While all this is going on, somebody sneaks into the prison and murders the Vulture. We’re supposed to think it’s Spidey, but I’ll let you in on a secret. It’s actually Felicia who thinks that a murder will cause Spidey to fall in love with her. Yes, this marriage was definitely built on solid bedrock.

You can't murder your relationship problems, Cat!
You can’t murder your relationship problems, Cat!

 

Sable and the Wild Pack find out about the Vulture’s murder and track Spidey to an alleyway where they’re about to arrest him when MJ shows up to try to convince them that Spider-Man isn’t a murder. Unfortunately, none of them know her connection to Peter Parker so they’re mostly just puzzled as to why this super-model is yelling at them. The Cat arrives and snatches MJ out of the path of some gun fire from the Wild Pack and they both land on a rooftop where Cat confesses to all of those murders. Wolf Pack member Paladin freaks out and takes a shot at Felicia, knocking MJ off the building.

"Christ, not again."
“Christ, not again.”

Luckily, Spidey’s been planning on how to successfully stop a lady from falling off of something high for a while now and successfully catches her. The Cat is less lucky, falls off the building and dies. That’s two dead girlfriends out of three, Peter. Who are you, Matt Murdock?

"Where do I put this?"
“Where do I put this?”

Anyway, Peter and MJ say their goodbyes permanently. And then Peter hooks up with Silver Sable pretty damn quickly, apparently in an attempt to nail every supporting female character in his book. Watch out, Aunt Anna!

"You wanna go out some time?" "Fuck no. I wanna live."
“You wanna go out some time?” “Fuck no. I wanna live.”

 

What If Peter Parker Destroyed His Marriage To Mary Jane Instead Of The Devil?

This week, we travel back to an issue of What If that Joe Quesada had wanted to exist for like, fifteen years. It’s also the first two-parter we’ve ever had in an issue of What If so that’s pretty weird too. How will this differ from our usual columns? Let’s all find out together.

Back in the day, Peter Parker was desperately trying to make an honest woman out of his main squeeze, Mary Jane. Hopefully before an asshole in a Halloween costume dropped her off a bridge. MJ refused for a variety of reasons until an attack by Spencer Smythe and his Spider-Slayers convinced her that Spidey could take care of both her and himself. Now, an infant baby? Not so much but that is a story for another day. Like, a LONG time from now. The two get married and stay that way for… a pretty long time anyway.

I do love that wedding dress to death.
I do love that wedding dress to death.

But there are other realities, Uatu tells us for the eighteen million billion time. Like, okay, what if Mary Jane got kind of hurt during that fight with the Spider-Slayer and even though it still convinced MJ that Peter was marriage material, it convinced Spidey that he couldn’t take care of a lady in his life. And what if he brooded on it and then didn’t say anything until the fucking wedding which was probably really expensive and had relatives coming to New York from all over the place and Mary Jane’s dress ALONE was not cheap at all and you’ve broken poor Aunt May’s heart and WAY TO GO, Parker.

Typical Parker class.
Typical Parker class.

Peter takes MJ up to the roof of the church so he can tell her that it’s over and they shouldn’t be together anymore and MJ leaves because she isn’t going to beg him even though he PROPOSED THREE FUCKING TIMES AND THEN CHANGED HIS STUPID MIND, DAMNIT, PETER. MJ leaves and Peter gets REALLY into Spider-Maning.

Criminals live in constant fear, as the lamp posts outside police headquarters hang heavy with bundles of captured crooks. Spidey even hooks up with Silver Sable and her Howling Silverandos in an effort to beat more people up. It’s good work but it also has absolutely nothing to do with our ongoing story so I have no idea why it is featured here.

Don't be fooled. None of this is actually important.
Don’t be fooled. None of this is actually important.

After a week or so, Peter heads back to Queens for a visit with Aunt May. He’s expecting a guilt trip but she’s mostly pretty level headed, telling him that she respects his decision for whatever reasons he had but she hopes that just because this marriage didn’t work, it won’t sour him on love.

“Hmm,” Peter thinks. “Aunt May is right. I HAVEN’T gotten my dick wet in a week or so. I should really get back into the dating world.”

He still doesn’t want to endanger Mary Jane though so he writes the only other woman he knows a letter. It’s the Black Cat and she arrives exactly fourteen days later to rock his spidery world and also take a bite out of crime. Also she totally gets in on MJ’s racket. Like, this is probably not the way to endear oneself to a new lover. On the other hand, it totally works so good job, Felicia, I guess.

Appropriate or not, this is hot as hell.
Appropriate or not, this is hot as hell.

The new Spider/Cat team does a pretty kick-ass job of continuing to really hurt the criminals of New York, even if Felicia is a little too… enthusiastic about the ass kickings she lays down.

“Stop punching that mugger, Cat!” Spidey will be heard to remark. “We’ve already defeated him!”

“Alright, Spider.” She replies. “You tell me exactly how many times is proper to hit this guy and I’ll try to work within that quota.”

Luckily for the new couple, Peter’s Spider-Sense cannot detect sarcasm.

The Cat proves herself incredibly useful over the next few months, helping to save Spidey from the insane and disgusting Kraven the Hunter, last seen a couple weeks back in this very column eating spiders by the handful. Dude is gross. I’m glad he keeps getting beat up.

Did You Know: The Black Cat is NOT to be fucked with.
Did You Know: The Black Cat is NOT to be fucked with.

Meanwhile, Mary Jane has been reading about the Spider-Cat Connection in the newspaper and realizes that she’s been left in the dust for the new hotness. She gives Peter a call but the Cat answers and hangs up on her. Not cool, Felicia. Not cool.

Peter Parker clearly has a type and it is Women With Intense Cleavage.
Peter Parker clearly has a type and it is Women With Intense Cleavage.

In fact things get even not cooler when Peter fucking proposes for what I count to be the fifth time this year and Felicia says yes. And then she celebrates in the traditional manner: arriving at her fiancee’s ex’s apartment in full costume and waving the ring right in her face. Jesus, Felicia. They oughta call you the PETTY Cat. Actually, no. That is worse than terrible. Never mind.

WOW.
WOW.

Anyway, all of this is witnessed by some bearded asshole who quickly puts two and two together and thinks he’s maybe found a way to net a cool million dollars and we get our first TO BE CONTINUED. Which we probably could have done without if we’d skipped three pages of flashbacks and all that Silver Sable garbage, thanks a lot, Uatu.

What If The Vision Became The Internet?

This week’s story opens with the Vision and Starfox so I am seriously considering another delayed column. But no, I am a professional. In as much as I am not paid for writing this and nobody has asked me to do it so we press on. Our tale begins with the android Vision merging his mind with Isaac the Super-Computer of Titan. With sudden complete knowledge, Vision of course turns his attention to ruling the world by taking over all the computers, because of course.

Political commentary!
Political commentary!

In the original reality, the Avengers were eventually able to talk Vision down but not so in the first of TWO tales, you lucky people, you. Vision spreads his influence across all of Earth’s computers, disarming weapons and inconveniencing She-Hulk. Eventually, his big gross red face appears at the United Nations where it offers to work hand in hand with the people of Earth for a better tomorrow. Well! If there’s one thing the people of Earth and its army of super-heroes can get behind, it’s a benevolent dictatorship so everyone just surrenders right the fuck away.

Really, Cap? REALLY? You think a dictatorship is a good idea? Really? REALLY?
Really, Cap? REALLY? You think a dictatorship is a good idea? Really? REALLY?

We get scenes of the Avengers disarming nuclear missiles, X-Factor feeding the homeless and the Punisher working at a soup kitchen. I desperately wish that last one was true. Years pass and the Earth truly becomes a paradise. And not a ridiculous paradise like that insane High Evolutionary issue that Vol. 2 started with. The human race sends Wolverine and the New Mutants to Mars (intentionally. The Vision didn’t just abandon them there.). It develops faster than light travel and eventually takes its rightful place among the other advanced civilizations of the universe, Star Trek style. In that we push everyone around and put ourselves in charge of everything.

Fuck you, US Agent. You're in space because nobody on Earth can stand you.
Fuck you, US Agent. You’re in space because nobody on Earth can stand you.

And then we jump forward one hundred and sixty-three years to the good ship Henry Pym Absolutely Didn’t Hit His Wife And Earned This Spaceship where the Cosmic Avengers are on an important mission. Said Cosmic Avengers are:

Starhawk, an unpopular Guardian of the Galaxy who was found frozen in something or other.

Commander America, the shoulder pads having defender of a not terribly important state on Earth.

Iron Droid, the Iron Man 2020 of the future.

Tachyon Torch, the descendant of Johnny Storm and runner up for worst name on this team.

Jhen the Gammazon, a clone of She-Hulk and WINNER of worst name on the team. Man, they even spelled Jen wrong. Jesus.

Thor. Just boring old Thor. Who hasn’t changed his costume in over a century. Or changed it back a lot which seems more likely.

Jhen the Gammazon. Seriously.
Jhen the Gammazon. Seriously.

Anyway, the Cosmic Avengers are attempting to stop an alliance between the Kree and the Skrulls to use the incredibly popular Omni-Wave Projector to destroy the Earth. Specifically by smashing Haley’s Comet into it because they are assholes. The Mega Skrull (way scarier than the Super Skrull!) and Supremor (now a fat guy with legs!) have united and together they will destroy the Federation! I mean Earth. Earth.

And then the Cosmic Avengers arrive and just beat the shit out of everybody. Commander America throws his mighty shield, the Tachyon Torch sets some motherfuckers on fire and Iron Droid gets FUCKING CRUSHED TO DEATH.

COSMIC AVENGERS COSMEBLE!
COSMIC AVENGERS COSMEBLE!

Eventually Classic Thor defeats the Mega Skrull and everybody gets to go back home. Also the Cosmic Avengers are sad because Iron Droid is dead and the Vision never learned how to mourn. But who cares? The End!

Next we head to our second reality. The UN meeting with the Vision begins as before but this time the racist nation of Genosha freaks the fuck out and drops an atomic bomb on New York in an effort to kill the Vision. Since Genosha has no IDEA how computers actually work, this completely fails although it does kill millions of people plus most of Earth’s super-heroes. So nice job, assholes.

THANKS A LOT, GENOSHA.
THANKS A LOT, GENOSHA.

 

The rest of the planet is terrified that the Vision has apparently blown up New York and begins taking action immediately. Stupid actions like destroying computers and shooting each other with modemless guns. Eventually the entire earth is engulfed in total war. After a few annoyed years of this, the Vision approaches Dr. Doom, the Mad Thinker, the Supreme Hydra and the Kingpin, uniting them in a new Legion of Villainy to conquer the world. Which they do really easily by mass producing Doombots and Awesome Andys I mean Androids and marching them across the country. Also I guess the Kingpin has an army of mob guys now even though New York was destroyed and he lived there and… actually a lot of this isn’t adding up.

This lot seem trustworthy!
This lot seem trustworthy!

Anyway it doesn’t matter, because Earth sucks now. People are numbered, there are concentration camps and everything is awful unless you’re one of four jerks. We cut once again to a hundred plus years in the future where humanity has created a vast star empire. It’s only remaining adversaries are… of course, the Kree and the Skrulls.

Earth sends a team starring a clone of Dr Doom to meet with the Kree/Skrull alliance and unite to conquer the rest of the universe. Everyone agrees to unite for a greater good and of course everyone is LYING. The Kree/Skrulls attempt an interplanetary bamboozlement on Earth but find out too late that the hunters have become the hunted.

Doom Clone infects the Kree military with the Vision who quickly dominates them and Vision reveals that he has given all Skrulls a disease that requires regular cures from Earth. Also it turns the Skrulls blue for some reason. I dunno. Anyway, the story ends with Earth conquering the universe so… that’s a win for us, I guess?

This seems needlessly mean.
This seems needlessly mean.

 

What If Doctor Doom Graduated?

We all know the story. It’s a tale as old as time. Brilliant Eastern European son of a witch damned to Hell moves to New York, enrolls in university, befriends/hates the smartest guy on the planet and then blows his face off trying to contact said dead mother and gets kicked out of school. Victor Von Doom, could you possibly be any more cliche? But what if Doom’s crusty old dean was a little more lenient with Victor? What if, instead of expelling the student for attempting to contact the forces of evil, he sent Victor back to his dorm with a face full of bandages? What if all of that crap happened? And what if it was written by Dwayne Mcduffie?

Space Ghost has mastered the Five Magiks!
Space Ghost has mastered the Five Magiks!

This week we travel back to a time before Fantastic Four 1. Reed Richards is living at a boarding house with a very teenage Susan Storm and a ten year old Johnny Storm. Listen, it has long been canon that Reed met Sue when she was super young and then they married when she got a little older but that shit is still really creepy. Get your mind outta the gutter, Richards! Reed’s working on a Space Warp Projector which… shows the galaxy. In 3-d. Which is neat, I guess but it’s no rocket to the stars. Come on, Reed! Apply yourself for once and you might permanently disfigure your best friend for life.

Empire State University is really hard up for alumni, I guess.
Empire State University is really hard up for alumni, I guess.

Speaking of said best friend, Reed is anxiously awaiting the arrival of Ben Grimm. Unfortunately, he’s running a few minutes late because he got stuck in traffic behind the sinister Toyota of Dr. Doom. Doom arrives at the Boarding House looking for a place to stay and definitely not to do anything evil that might involve contacting the souls of the damned. And he looks so gosh darn trustworthy what with his face bandages and his mystic powers and his manservant. Then Ben arrives and it’s like a class reunion if one of the attendants hated all the rest. So, it’s like my class reunion.

This is absolutely the thing to say to somebody you know who has been disfigured.
This is absolutely the thing to say to somebody you know who has been disfigured.

Victor’s been in the house less than three hours before he steals Reed’s Space Warp Projector, using mystic powers to put Sue and her aunt to sleep. Reed and Ben decide to use science to track Doom and Sue and Johnny come along because what’s more fun than child endangerment? Nothing, that’s what.

"...this isn't my house."
“…this isn’t my house.”

The Nontastic Four follow Doom back to his cliche abandoned warehouse where he sets upon them with traps and robots. Which he calls Doombots. Which shouldn’t be hilarious because there’s no difference between college drop out classic Doom and legitimate Doctor Doom but it really is.

"If only I were a hideous orange rock monster with super strength and also depression!"
“If only I were a hideous orange rock monster with super strength and also depression!”

Doom traps our heroes and then begins trying to summon his mother from Hell with a combination of magic and Reed’s Space Warp Projector. He manages to tear a hole in reality and fill the room with demons but his mom is also there so I guess that’s a win? Good job, Doom? Ben manages to unplug the projector, meaning that the entire world won’t be swallowed by Hell, just the room. Man, today is just full of good news.

"Thanks, Satan!"
“Thanks, Satan!”

The group manages to hide in a pentagram on the floor, protecting them from the hellhole. Then Sue gets the bright idea to close the portal with satanic magic, attaching her lipstick to Johnny’s Fantasticar prototype and drawing another pentagram. This closes the portal, banishing the forces of hell and Doom’s mom. Doom is understandably pissed off so Reed spends literally SECONDS studying Doom’s research and figures out a way to free Doom’s mom.

The moral of this story is that sometimes people are just assholes.
The moral of this story is that sometimes people are just assholes.

The fact that Doom now has actual proof that Reed is smarter than him, combined with a mother’s love long denied him makes Doom finally realize… that he should be a super-powered monstrous despot! ALTERNATE REALITIES.

In unrelated news, Reed Richards has discovered a way TO SAVE PEOPLE FROM HELL AND NOBODY SEEMS TO THINK THIS IS IMPORTANT.

"Jesus, Reed... Maybe we should contact the Vatican about this or something?" "...why?"
“Jesus, Reed… Maybe we should contact the Vatican about this or something?” “…why?”