What If Spider-Man Was Superman?

So we open this week’s adventure with a flying dog saving his owners from a hot air balloon disaster. Already, this is the best issue of What If I’ve ever read. It’s really just there to introduce us all to the idea of Captain Universe, the Hero Who Could Be You!™ Then Uatu draws us away from the interesting story of a heroic flying talking dog to tell us about Spider-Man, damnit.

Way to win the first annual Forbidden To Interfere-y for best use of a dog!
Way to win the first annual Forbidden To Interfere-y for best use of a dog!

Once upon a time, the Enigma Force possessed Spider-Man and gave him Godlike powers. Which he used to beat up guys dressed like animals. The Enigma Force eventually left Spidey because if there’s one rule in Marvel Comics, it’s that Peter Parker can’t have nice things. But this week, we’re gonna see what happens if Spidey kept his incredible powers. And what happens is that Spidey dresses his wife as himself and then fucks her. It’s really upsetting. Especially for a guy who has had as many clones as Spidey has.

This is... all kinds of weird, Peter.
This is… all kinds of weird, Peter.

The next thing Captain Spiderverse does is permanently mutilate the Hobgoblin. So this is the 90s Hobgoblin who has a fucked up monster face.
“Well,” thinks Spidey. “ I know Hobgoblin has a messed up face. I can probably fix that like I kinked up MJ’s wardrobe so I could weird-sex her. I don’t know what Hobgoblin’s face looks like so I guess I’ll just wing it.”

Which is a perfectly rational thing to do to somebody! Spidey uses his nearly infinite imagination to… turn Hobgoblin’s face into Peter Parker’s. Well. There’s no way THAT can possibly go wrong.

You're just a font of weird choices, aren't you, Pete?
You’re just a font of weird choices, aren’t you, Pete?

Well, it’s been ten pages in a 90s Spidey comic so it’s time for Venom to show up. He and Spidey wail on each other for a couple minutes and then Spider-Man flies Venom into space.

“You see that big beautiful blue marble down there?” Spidey says. “That’s what I’m protecting now. I don’t have time to fuck around with you and your big tongue and your gross drool. I’m Super- Spider-man. I’m Spider-Man. Spider-Man. Nobody else.”

Of course, Venom hears none of this because he’s freezing to death in Earth’s orbit. Anyway, Spidey dumps Venom in New York, where Venom becomes the new Spider-Man. By which I mean, he’s just Venom but now Spidey doesn’t fight him and Venom kills the occasional mugger. Mostly what he does is beat up the Hobgoblin, an insane asshole with the face of the guy he hates most in the world.

Gen-u-ine Joker Venom.
Gen-u-ine Joker Venom.

This is the part where Spidey starts doing all the stuff we see in all those comics where people get Superman powers. Spidey throws all of Earth’s garbage into the sun, feeds the children, the usual. Of course, while he’s off doing that, his hot wife isn’t getting any gross sex. She finally draws the line when Pete bails on a dinner with Aunt May. And by “bails,” I mean “bursts into flames and flies out the window.” MJ splits, leaving Spidey with some final words. “You’re not a God, Peter.”

“No,” Peter thinks. “But I know one.”

Then Peter flies off to Avengers Mansion, beats up Captain America for no reason and takes Thor to Africa so they can make food grow there. Thor’s not into it because… I honestly have no idea why. It’s just one of those comic things, I guess. So Spider-Man gets all mad and beats up Thor a little and then he has a serious crisis of faith where the Enigma Force and Spider-Man’s natural sense of guilt fight for possession of Spidey. And that’s when Doctor Doom shows up and shoots Thor with an energy draining ray.

Holy Jesus, Thor! What the fuck?!
Holy Jesus, Thor! What the fuck?!

So it turns out that Doctor Doom’s been looking for a way to steal the Enigma Force because that is how Doom rolls. Spidey’s guilt irritates the Enigma force enough that it abandons him and heads over to Doom. Of course, the Engima Force also realizes that Doom is the biggest asshole on the planet and leaves pretty quick. Also it turns out that this is a Doombot because why not.

So the Enigma Force briefly returns to Spidey and then uses its powers to spread Spider-Man[s sense of responsibility across every person on the planet. It’s a brief moment of genuine world peace as everyone is mentally united. It’s actually… sort of nice. When the dust clears, Peter Parker has lost his spider powers and all of his clothes. But it’s okay because he hooks back up with MJ and nine months later, they give birth to a terrifying eyeless Universe Baby.

And that's where new Watchers come from!
And that’s where new Watchers come from!

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