What If Captain America Was A Dirty Facist Except It’s Probably Really The Red Skull At The End?

We’re back from our month-long break! I have a new appartment, faster internet and a mighty need to once again tell you fine folks about the alternate wonders of a Marvel universe not your own! This week, we travel back in time to the only war that matters in comics: World War II! In a secret government lab, American Wuss Steve Rogers is given a dose of the new Super Soldier Serum, instantly transforming him from the skinny guy in the Charles Atlas ads to the bully! In the regular Marvel Universe, the serum’s creator Professor Erskine is killed by nazi spies and the serum is lost forever BECAUSE NO ONE THOUGHT TO GIVE ERSKINE A PEN AND SAY WRITE THIS DOWN, DUMMY. Instead, Steve notices the murderer and saves the professor just in time!

This is the most indignant shirtless man I have ever seen.
This is the most indignant shirtless man I have ever seen.

Cap does indeed go on a series of adventures during World War Two with his best pal, Bucky but he’s eventually called away. Bucky retires to a lifetime of being alive and Steve heads to Washington where he’s put in charge of an army of super soldiers! Nick Fury! Dum Dum Dugan! The One With The Trumpet! Others As Well!

Captain America and the Howling ComMANdos!
Captain America and the Howling ComMANdos!

On December 24, 1942, Captain America’s army of Super Soldiers invade Germany, their rallying cry “Eat Shitler, Hitler!” Wait, no. It’s “Wa-hoo.” Excuse me, notes from this time in history are extremely sketchy. Anyway, they make short work of the German army and are easily able to arrest Hitler for war crimes. It’s basically a good time all around. In a concentration camp, Cap teaches a small boy named Magus, Magnus or possibly Erik Lehnsherr that while Nazis are racist assholes, Americans believe that all people are equal! Thus the threat of Magneto never emerges. Also the good of Magneto never emerges but whatever.

"Kid, just... just don't ever try to enslave humanity, okay? Do it as a favor to me."
“Kid, just… just don’t ever try to enslave humanity, okay? Do it as a favor to me.”

The Super Soldier army boards the good ship Queen Mary for its celebratory trip home. The war has been won and now it’s time to go home and start the Baby Boom. That should end well for everyone! Sadly, the Queen Mary never makes it as it is blown the fuck up by a U-Boat who was never informed the war was over. Whoops.

"Hundreds die, only Captain America survives. No follow-up questions asked!"
“Hundreds die, only Captain America survives. No follow-up questions asked!”

Only Captain America lives because that dude is amazing at not dying in water in any universe. He returns to America, the sole surviving hero of the war. Cap unmasks himself as Steve Rogers, forms the American peacekeeping taskforce SHIELD*, and begins building an army of blonde haired blue eyed white supermen. Well, I’m sure that’s just fine. He also announces that the super soldier serum requires a booster shot every 18 months or it will wear off and thus cannot be given to the general public yet. Okay,well, I mean that’s an outright lie but I’m sure Cap has his reasons, right.

Well... there's... there's nothing here that's worrying. Right?
Well… there’s… there’s nothing here that’s worrying. Right?

SHIELD quickly becomes a force to be reckoned with. They easily topple Stalin’s regime and end the Cold War before it even begins. A new era of peace begins in the United States. And by peace, I mean fascism and racism. Now President Steve goes on the news again and announces that “Yeah, sorry, the super soldier serum doesn’t actually work on the dirt races I mean non-caucasian races. We’re working on that. Really. I’m sure we’ll get to it any day now. *snicker*”

This is not a great severance package.
This is not a great severance package.

To the surprise of literally no one ever, this announcement leads to rioting and protesting among the non-white people of America. Which leads to a lot of people being thrown into concentration camps. Huh. I could have sworn Steve Rogers literally just visited a concentration camp and was disgusted by it. Weird.

Hey, it's really hard to make a humorous comment about a concentration camp!
Hey, it’s really hard to make a humorous comment about a concentration camp!

Meanwhile, Loyal** Americans are gifted with physical perfection and a personally appointed squad of SHIELD Hunters keep the rabble in line. This includes executing Reed Richards and his friends before they can steal their rocket ship, murdering Bruce Banner for exploring the forbidden research of Gamma Radiation and killing Peter Parker for obtaining superpowers through a non-state approved way. They also execute his aunt and uncle, just in case. No Spider-Ma’am or Golden Oldie for THIS parallel universe.

This is the 76th What If column, I've written and Aunt May is dead in 73 of them, guys.
This is the 76th What If column, I’ve written and Aunt May is dead in 73 of them, guys.

It’s decided very quickly that America really doesn’t need all that unnecessary “voting” thing. I mean, why try to get a new president  when they one we’ve got is doing such a great job for everyone. We can probably just stick with a known winner, right? Decades pass and very little changes for America until a squad of SHIELD Hunters led by Frank Castle tries to arrest a homeless man and instead chases him into the sea. Being fully immersed in water, combined with realizing that he’s been wearing the same pair of green sea shell underwear since World War II ended reminds the homeless man that he is in fact Namor! The Sub-Mariner! Holy shit!

...man, Namor kind of rocks a beard.
…man, Namor kind of rocks a beard.

Namor speeds off to his home in Atlantis, only to find it destroyed. He immediately assumes that it is the fault of the American government which isn’t exactly a hard sell at this point. By completely random chance, Namor stumbles upon the wreck of the Queen Mary and even more randomly finds a… sigh… race of ignorant eskimos worshipping a giant block of ice with… Gasp! Steve Rogers frozen in it! WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DEVELOPMENT COMING? And then the Watcher pops up to tell us this is a two-parter. Thanks, Watchy.

Okay, we can probably stop with the primitive eskimos any time now, Marvel.
Okay, we can probably stop with the primitive eskimos any time now, Marvel.

 

*SHIELD.

**White.

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