What If The All-Old All-The Same X-Men Stuck Around?

So we open our story with the X-Men’s attack on Krakoa, the Island That Is Like A Land! However, unlike in the classic Giant Sized X-Men Number One, the original X-People (That’s Cyclops, Beast, Angel, Iceman, Marvel Girl, Havok and Polaris, true believers!) are actually able to defeat a stupid fucking island. Nice job, guys. Unfortunately, that new line-up was all that was preventing you guys from getting cancelled so… see you around. The End!

"There will be absolutely no fun on this mission, Iceman!" -Cyclops, always probably.
“There will be absolutely no fun on this mission, Iceman!” -Cyclops, always probably.

Okay, maybe not. So the classic X-Men reunite for more exciting adventures. Eventually. First they fight Count Nefaria and his Ani-Men and those guys are 100 percent pure garbage. The X-Men make such short work of those losers, it doesn’t even take a panel. Then they go on to fight Erik the Red and his two sidekicks, Nightcrawler and Proudstar (which I realize is Thunderbird’s actual last name but makes him sound like a She-Ra character.). Luckily for the X-Men, they are on a serious roll lately and they kick additional ass, arresting Erik and James. Nightcrawler escapes because that is what he is good at and also swears revenge for some reason.

"--It shall be completely unexpected and at the end of the book!"
“–Probably at the end of the book!”

The X-Men unmask Erik who is revealed to be some dude from the Shi’ar Empire who is messing with them pre-Phoenix Saga. After some discussion, the X-Men decide that local law enforcement is probably too busy to deal with… you know, an alien criminal so they have Erik illegally detained with Moira Mactaggart on Muir Island. Apparently, they’ve been keeping a lot of X-criminals there including Baby Magneto. This is probably a good time to remind everyone that Magento was a baby for a while. And not in the way we were all babies for a while. Like… again.

Nobody ever tells you how much fun being Erik the Red is. It's why Cyclops has been so depressed since then.
Nobody ever tells you how much fun being Erik the Red is. It’s why Cyclops has been so depressed since then.

While they’re sticking Erik in the mutant version of Guantanamo Bay, the X-Men get a phonecall from the Beast. Apparently, he and Professor X are being attacked by Sentinals. Again. Once again, the X-Men kick ass off panel and eventually end up in space. Somehow. They have to somehow land their spaceship but it’s flooding with radiation and only Jean can use her telepathic powers to pilot the ship and save the day at the cost of her own life. Until Polaris reminds everybody that she has magentic powers and everyone should shut up and stop trying to sacrifice themselves, you bunch of noble idiots.

Polaris instantly becomes my favourite character.
Polaris instantly becomes my favourite character.

Having safely returned to Earth, the X-Men are home about six seconds (Long enough for Beast to rejoin the team. Good to have you back, Hank.) before Lilandra of the Shi’ar brings them back into fucking space for more adventure. Now they have to protect the M’Krann crystal from Emperor D’Ken before he can bring about the universal apocalypse. Which is a bad thing. Probably.

The X-Men team up with the Starjammers briefly (Just long enough for Cyclops to glance at Corsair and think “Man, that guy sure looks like if my dad was a space pirate…”) and are then absorbed into the M’Krann crystal where Jean’s psychic rapport with the team keeps them from being hypnotized or whatever. Cyclops uses his eye beams to keep the crystal from cracking and everyone goes home pleased over a job well done. Good work, X-Men. Way to survive the experience!

Fingers crossed for Polaris and this robot fellow hanging out.
Fingers crossed for Polaris and this robot fellow hanging out.

Back on Earth (yet again), the X-Men do some more stuff the All-New X-Men did in an original X-Men manner. They battle Mesmero, Warhawk and the awesomely named Moses Magnum in Japan. They meet Canada’s terrible Alpha Flight and Cyclops is inspired by a short Canadian guy who smokes too much hitting on the daughter of a Japanese crime boss to ask Jean Grey to marry him. She almost agrees before she’s overcome by some Deanna Troi style psychic pain. She believes she is marrying some 18th century creep. Unlike in the real reality, where Jean quietly goes insane, the couple go to Professor X who tells them that Jean is being psychically manipulated. Well, we should probably check that out right away. Or alternately meet up with Kitty Pryde and Dazzler. Who do not appear in this comic but DO lead the X-Men to the Hellfire Club.

"Wolverine's so cool. I bet we'd be really good friends if he joined the team."
“Wolverine’s so cool. I bet we’d be really good friends if he joined the team.”

 

The X-Men enter the club through Angel’s membership and encounter Mastermind, whom Jean recognizes from her crazy person dream. The X-Men prepare for a final legendary showdown when… they’re kidnapped back into fucking space by Lilandra. You couldn’t have waited five minutes, Lil? Mastermind SUCKS.

Lilandra’s basically swung by as a courtesy.

“Hey,” she says. “You know your sun?”

“Yes?” answers Cyclops who does.

“Well, it turns out that the ancient chaos bringer Phoenix lives in there and it’s preparing to return and destroy the universe. So we’re just gonna put a pin in that and blow your sun up. That’s cool, right.”

“Um.” says Cyclops.

‘“Don’t worry, we’ll happily move your population to another planet.”

I feel like "Waaaaaaaaaiit a minute" should never come before "Are you going to blow up our sun." You lose your credibility.
I feel like “Waaaaaaaaaiit a minute” should never come before “Are you going to blow up our sun.” You lose your credibility.

Luckily for anyone who enjoys living on Earth, Cyclops is able to convince Lilandra to give him twenty-four hours to save the planet. After some research, Cyke discovers that the Phoenix can use a person as a host to stop it from rampaging. Which will also kill the host. Realizing that he’s almost gotten to the point of having a pretty good life and eager to put a stop to that, Cyclops volunteers.

Cyclop's idea of chaos bringing is staying up until 10:00pm on New Years with a box of wine and a cone shaped party hat.
Cyclop’s idea of chaos bringing is staying up until 10:00pm on New Years with a box of wine and a cone shaped party hat.

Unfortunately he never gets the chance because fucking Nightcrawler appears out of nowhere on this FUCKING SPACESHIP and bonks Scott on the head before stealing his shuttle and heading out to meet the Phoenix instead. He sends a quick phone call to the X-Men to say “Sorry about fighting you at the begining of the issue. I’ve been spying on you for months and realized you’re actually good people so I’m going to sacrifice myself in your place.” As the fuzzy german hero burns in the infinite fires of eternity, Scott gazes on and thinks “What a nice guy. He’d have been great on this team.”

Here is a man who knows he will never be in "The Draco."
Here is a man who knows he will never be in “The Draco.”

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