What If the X-Men and Thor Got Super Fucking Metal?

This week, we go back to a recent favourite of mine: The X-Men Asgardian Wars. This tells the tale of Loki kidnapping Storm and the vacationing New Mutants to Asgard where he and the Enchantress can screw with them all one on one for some stupid thing the original X-Men did to Loki a few months back. Loki’s revenge takes weird and winding paths which makes sense because he is the god of dickery. Oh, excuse me, that says trickery. Well, I’m still right.

And this is just THE COVER.
And this is just THE COVER.

Anyway, after some adventures, weird wolf sex and EXTREME weight loss, the New Mutants are joined in Asgard by the X-Men. Despite many of our heroes wanting to stay in this mythic land of thees and thous because it’s the 80s and everyone isn’t annoyed by this concept yet, Marvel’s merry mutants eventually all return to a world that hates and fears them where I think almost all of them get killed at some point or another.

As a comic reader, I am a big fan of anyone saying "The Die Is Cast!"
As a comic reader, I am a big fan of anyone saying “The Die Is Cast!”

But in THIS reality, (he wrote for the 60th time.) our heroes are crippled by indecision! Or more accurately Wolfsbane is overcome by indecision because she wants to stay with her Wolf Prince. Which is understandable because young love but it does ignore everyone else on the team’s responsibilities back on earth. So thanks a heap for that, Wolfsbane.

Nightcrawler, THIS IS YOUR LIFE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. Maybe a little more thought?
Nightcrawler, THIS IS YOUR LIFE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT. Maybe a little more thought?

Weirdly for him, Loki is totally down with sending everyone who doesn’t want to stay in Asgard back to Earth because Loki is a character totally known for his love of compromise. He sends most of the X-Men and a couple of New Mutants home where they form a new superhero team and Loki never bothers them again!

In this grim reality, there's only ONE X-Men book to read. And I guess the Wolverine book but still!
In this grim reality, there’s only ONE X-Men book to read. And I guess the Wolverine book but still!

Meanwhile, in Asgard, everyone is deliriously happy. Cannonball marries a dwarf princess, Cypher studies Asgard’s many lost and forbidden tomes, Wolfsbane sniffs her princes’ butt in the tradition of all animals in heat, Nightcrawler is overjoyed that he can just use a sword to solve his problems and Rogue makes out with Green Arrow.

"YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CITY."
“YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CITY.”

But what of Storm, whom Loki has blessed with the powers of Thor and a brand spanking new hammer? Well, she spends most of her time really fucking dazed by Loki’s mind control powers. Unbeknownst to her, Loki has recently turned Thor into a frog, and with Odin currently dead, Loki plans to prop Storm up as the new ruler of Asgard. Which absolutely nobody should have a problem with, what with her being a mortal and also black.

Asgardian racism!
Asgardian racism!

In fact, at least one person DOES have a problem with this: The Norn Queen, a character I know almost nothing about because I haven’t read all of Walt Simonson’s run on Thor and am a little out of my depth with these characters. From what I can tell, the Norn Queen is trying to set up Thor’s buddy Balder as the new ruler of Asgard. She strikes a deal with Hela, Asgard’s death goddess, to kill Storm whom Hela is pissed at because Storm prevented her from killing Wolverine. Apparently nobody told her that NOTHING can kill Wolverine and yes, I am aware that Wolverine is currently dead as of this writing.

Apparently none of this currently matters anyway because as Loki is presenting Storm to the Asgardian people, Loki is kidnapped by a terrifying green demon monster dressed like Thor. Actually, it’s Frog Thor who has retrieved Mjolnir and returned to Asgard for revenge. Frog Thor and Human Storm have themselves an old fashioned hammer fight until Hela shows up to claim Storm’s soul because Hela is a jerk in a huge hat.

The road to Hel is paved with good intentions and the doors are double sized.
The road to Hel is paved with good intentions and the doors are double sized.

At this point, the X-Gardians arrive to defend Storm and she fucking vaporizes Sunspot. So much for your dreams of glory and bar brawls, Bobby.

Meanwhile, Volstagg breaks something valuable which causes the frog curse on Thor to be lifted. You’d think this would calm everybody down and solve some problems but nope. Instead, Loki summons his army of giants because the time for subtlety is fucking over. This causes Hela to summon her army of the undead to arrive and then the Norn Queen arrives with her army of Norns (whatever that means.) and suddenly there’s a massive battle in the middle of this canyon with the X-Gardians and a few Asgard guys caught in the middle. It’s an epic heavy metal mutant clusterfuck featuring angry skeletons! This comic is awesome!

Soundtrack provided by Led Zeppelin.
Soundtrack provided by Led Zeppelin.

Hela takes a shot at murdering Storm again but then former New Mutant and current Valkerie Danni Moonstar arrives on her flying horse and arrows her former boss. Then Cannoball arrives with an army of dwarves and Wolfsbane with an army of wolf… dudes and now we have a giant battle featuring evil skeletons AND werewolves and flying horses and they might as well have painted this issue on the side of a van!

I saw a werewolf getting a mead at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect.
I saw a werewolf getting a mead at Trader Vic’s. His hair was perfect.

During the battle, Cannonball’s father-in-law and Wolfsbane’s husband are both killed which sucks for them. What sucks less is a massive team-up with Thor, Danni, Magik, Storm and a bunch of others to straight up murder Hela. Danni tells everyone that Hela will rest in Valhalla which I’m sure she’s overjoyed about and then Danni takes her place as the Goddess of Death. Actually, with the giant insane war over, it’s promotions for everyone. Thor returns to Earth* but leaves Storm in charge, Cannoball becomes ruler of the Dwarves, Wolfsbane queen of the Wolf Dudes and Nightcrawler joins the Warriors Three when Fandrall quits to marry Rogue. And if you think I wouldn’t kill to read comics about the Warriors Three that featured Nightcrawler, you do not know me at all.

"Hey, Nightcrawler, aren't you a devout Catholic? Isn't it kind of weird that you basically gave all that up to hang out with Viking gods?" "Dude. SWORDS."
“Hey, Nightcrawler, aren’t you a devout Catholic? Isn’t it kind of weird that you basically gave all that up to hang out with Viking gods?” “Dude. SWORDS.”

And finally, Loki gets a promotion as well. He is brought before the thrones of Those Who Sit Above In Shadow, the Gods of the Asgardian Gods. This whole dumb deal with the X-Men came about because the Those promised Loki power to rule the nine worlds if he would do a good deed on Earth. That seems pretty simple, right? Like, pull a kitten out of a tree or something? But Loki decided to use it to screw with the X-Men instead. He stands before Those and tries the whole “Check it out, humans be ruling Asgard now. That’s gotta be a good thing, right?”

“It sure is, Loki. You did a great job and aren’t an asshole at all, so we’ll give you dominion over the whole Nine Realms.”

“No foolin’?” Loki replies.

“Nah.” Those say. “We cool.”

And then they send Loki to the end of time where he can rule the desolate remains of the ravages of the universe for what remains of Eternity.

“Suck a dick, Loki!” Say Those Who Sit Above In Shadows.

 

*Midgard.

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