So, after hours of exhaustive research, during which I actually did no research at all, I came to the conclusion that there is no What If Christmas Special (Well, okay, there was that Nova one I did a couple months back and I briefly considered just posting that but damnit, I am a professional unpaid obscure comic book summarizer.). I briefly considered taking the week off but… man, I am WAY too broken and paranoid and self hating to do that. So, I figured I’d bang this thing out, not bother with pictures and call it a festive new year. And what’s the next most Christmasy thing after What If? Why, it’s Clement Clarke Moore’s tale of heartache and revenge, ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas AKA A Visit From Saint Nicholas AKA the Grinch Grinches The Cat In The Hat.
We open with what I can only assume is our old buddy, Uatu the Watcher narrating his upcoming trip to dreamland as he prepares to sleep with his wife. And yeah, Uatu totally has a wife. I think her name is Uru or Ursa or Ursula the Sea Witch or whatever. Just picture one of those. They’re both getting ready to pass the everloving fuck out and decked out in the largest set of night caps in all of the multiverse when there’s an almighty crashing from outside. Uatu… look, the guy doesn’t really bound, okay. He sort of wanders over to the window and looks outside.
And what to his wondering giant pupil-less eyes should appear but Santa Claus rocketing to the goddamn moon in his sleigh. Also tiny reindeer which is pretty impressive. Aren’t they supposed to be like moose size? Anyway, then Santa blasts them all with a whip and starts shouting names at them. There’s Dasher (the fast one), Dancer (the spry one), Prancer (the other spry one), Vixen (the one that is either really hot or a fox. God, let it be the fox.), Comet (the frozen chunk of rock hurtling through space), Cupid (Secretly Mars: Bringer of War), Donner (the eater of flesh) and Blitzen (the communist one.). No Rudolf though. He hadn’t jumped fully formed from the forehead of Rankin Bass yet.
So the sleigh lands on Uatu’s roof and then there’s a long of crashing and bumping so he heads downstairs to see what the damn problem is. Turns out it’s Santa coming down Uatu’s chiminy. Which is a terrible device to have on the moon. Santa ignores Uatu and starts laying out presents and shit. And, of course, Uatu does nothing. For he is forbidden to hassle Santa. He spends a lot of time mentally discribing Santa though. Beard. Hat. Belly. Dimples. All that good shit. You know the drill, you’ve seen a coke can. Also he smokes because smoking is cool. You remember when Wolverine, Gambit, Nick Fury and the Thing all smoked? That shit is fucking metal.
Anyway, his present distribution done, Santa turns to the Watcher, lays a finger aside of his nose and says “You tell anyone I’m here and I’ll Original Sins your ass.” Then he rises up the chiminy. On the wings of a dove or something. But… as Uatu listens carefully, he can just hear these words on the wind: “Seriously! The Orb will take your fucking eyes. The ORB, man!”
Merry Christmas, guys. Thanks for reading this thing.