What If The Clone Saga Started Thirteen Years Earlier, Lasted One Issue And Took Place At An Amusement Park?

So here’s one I’ve been looking forward to for a while and am actually surprised I never read before today. Back in the 70s, a third-rate Spider-Man villain called the Jackal (AKA Spidey’s college professor Miles Warren) made a clone of perpetually dead girlfriend Gwen Stacy because he was a gross creep. Dating a student is a strict no-no at Empire State University. Dating a dead one is even worse. Bringing one back to life so you can date her is some Re-Animator shit. Anyway, Warren also cloned Peter Parker… I think as a test subject or something.

So Spidey and Clone Spidey fought and then put aside their differences like every issue of Marvel Team-Up ever and then Clone Spider-Man exploded and Real Spidey dumped his corpse down a wishing well. AND WE NEVER HEARD FROM HIM EVER AGAIN. EVER.

A real comic that existed.
A real comic that existed.

But what if, our old friend Uatu asks. What if the Spider-Man Clone survived? What if that did happen, didn’t last three years and almost destroy the character? Well, it seems like it would mostly involve the Spider-Clone wandering around, trying to justify why he can’t remember any of his life. Excitement!

So, in the middle of the Two-Spidey-Fight, Real Pete calls a truce and then Cloney punches him in the face and knocks him out. Meanwhile, Doctor Warren begs the clone of Gwen Stacy to please love him. And why shouldn’t she? He’s a creepy old weirdo with a pedophile mustache! That’s hot stuff. Alas, Gwen isn’t interested so Warren kills himself saving the life of Ned Leeds AKA the Hobgoblin. I think. Nice one, buddy. After that, the Gwen clone leaves, vowing to find her own life away from Peter Parker. I think she finally got killed in a Spider-Man crossover a few years back. Let’s see… “Years later, she was apparently killed by another Gwen Stacy clone called ‘Abby-L.’” Well, that clears that up.

How could she possibly turn him down?

So Cloney takes the unconscious body of Peter Parker down into Doctor Warren’s basement and sticks him in suspended animation until he can figure out what to do with him. You know, like murder him or whatever. Then he heads out into the world, telling himself over and over that he MUST be the real Peter Parker. And he’s just forgotten everything over the past three years. Since giving a tissue sample to Doctor Warren. The clone maker. I can’t see any sort of problem there.

"Yes, despite all the weird stuff about this clone, I am clearly Parker Prime."
“Yes, despite all the weird stuff about this clone, I am clearly Parker Prime.”

Cloney makes the rounds of Peter Parker’s life, exploring his old abandoned house, meeting up with Aunt May and sleeping on his own doorstep because he doesn’t know what apartment he lives in. He also starts going to class in Peter’s place at Empire State University. Which would be great if he didn’t only have a high school education.

whatif3004
Typical clone-of-Parker luck.

Returning home, Cloney roots through Peter’s old stuff and finds a bunch of old letters and pictures from Pete’s time dating Gwen Stacy. Cloney realizes that his whole “I must have amnesia” thing might not be as airtight as he believed and he returns to Doctor Warren’s lab to look for clues. What he mostly finds however is a goddamn TON of evidence about Warren’s cloning experiments three years ago, about his taking DNA from Peter Parker, about him making an elaborate clone of Peter Parker who thought he was the original and… Wait a minute…

This revelation took THREE years to sort out.
This revelation took THREE years to sort out.

That little revelation finished, Cloney heads out to do some web spinning and thinking. He’s gone about ten minutes before he runs into a flying camera with guns on it. It’s the Kingpin… for some reason. Just randomly flying his computerized flying camera around looking for Spider-Man. I suppose it’s more interesting than… I don’t know, running a criminal empire. Cloney torches the little camera and then accidentally trips over the actual Kingpin out yelling on his roof. They fight for a couple of minutes before Cloney realizes that the Kingpin is actually something of a threat. He hauls ass out of the fight, leaving the Kingpin to yell threateningly, jump on his hat and tell Spider-Man to meet him at the Coney Island amusement park for a final showdown.

Standard issue for the secret crime boss of all New York.
Standard issue for the secret crime boss of all New York.

Cloney finally gives up on his chance at successfully impersonating Peter Parker and heads back to Dr Warren’s lab. After a couple of seconds of considering letting Pete stay in his techno casket and just die, Cloney decides he’s not a big fan of murder and lets the Spidercicle out. Real Spidey, apparently not angry that he’s been imprisoned for like a week while somebody lived his life for him, decides to team-up with Cloney to defeat the Kingpin.They dress Cloney as Peter Parker so that Cloney can snap pictures of Spider-Man and not actually be a fraud for the first time in his career.

"My God, I'm pretty."
“My God, I’m pretty.”

The Parker Pair arrive at Cloney Island, excuse me, CONEY Island and the Spider-Clone is quickly captured by Kingpin’s goons. Luckily, Cloney and Spider-Man still make short work of a couple of idiots in fedoras with pistols. Then Real Spider-Man chases the Kingpin to the Ferris Wheel. They fight a little longer before Kingpin reveals his secret weapon: A flying ferris wheel car that he can float around in and shoot lasers from. He’s like a fucking video game boss. And not even the LAST boss. Anyway, Spidey knocks him out of it, the day is saved and they all go out for Frosty Chocolate Milkshakes.

You dodge the lasers and then punch him until he starts blinking red.
You dodge the lasers and then punch him until he starts blinking red.

Later, at Casa de Parker, Cloney is preparing to leave like the Gwen Clone did. Head out into the world, start a new life, maybe help some people. Peter offers him another idea. Stay here, we can split being Peter Parker fifty-fifty and just reenact the Parent Trap/Sister, Sister/any movie with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen for the rest of our lives! There’s no way anything bad can come from this! Exactly three seconds later, Pete’s roommate comes home and the jig is up.

A SOLID PLAN WITH ABSOLUTELY NO FLAWS.
A SOLID PLAN WITH ABSOLUTELY NO FLAWS.

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