TimeQuake II: In Which There Is More Dumb Fighting And A Fake Eyepatch.

 

I’m starting to think TimeQuake might not be very good. Two weeks in a row and it’s just another stupid fight comic. At least last week, I liked the Fantastic Five. This week features the Cosmic Avengers from that What If where Vision took over the Earth and the Guardians of the Galaxy. The shitty Guardians of the Galaxy. We’ve got Vance Astro, Yondu the Non-Fun Redneck Archer Guy, Thick Clone Guy and Diamond Guy. Ugh, I hate the orignal Guardians.

So we’re back with Uatu and the Time Keepers. The Time Keepers plan to kill benevolent Ultra-Vision so they can keep from… dying? So they can effect the future? Who cares? Anyway, the Keepers kidnap Korvac from his time and stick him in the Vision timeline where he immediately captures the Guardians of the Galaxy and uses them to try to conquer the Earth. It’s like that Korvac issue from way back but… boring… God, this was boring, you guys.  Just… just a dude with a flying box for legs ordering the shitty Guardians around and then the Cosmic Avengers show up.

Maybe you don’t remember the Cosmic Avengers. This is perfectly acceptable because they are like the modern Avengers but I hate them. Also they are from space. There’s Irondroid, Tachyon Torch, Commander America and (ugh) Jhen the Gammazon and her bizarrely strapped bathing costume. I think Starhawk’s supposed to be here too but he’s on vacation. His loss, I’m sure.

Please enjoy Jhen's weirdly drawn butt.
Please enjoy Jhen’s weirdly drawn butt.

Anyway, the Cosmic Avengers investigate a possible renegade Skrull ship only to be quickly captured by Korvac and his hypnotized Guardians of the Galaxy. Korvac sticks them all in traditional glass science cylinders and then hypnotizes the Avengers as well. With this elite group, the world shall soon be his!

Do you know many flying box people, Jhen?
Do you know many flying box people, Jhen?

Korvac starts his invasion plan by plugging his torso into a giant outlet so he can do battle with the Vision in “Cyberspace”. Unfortunately, Vision is able to contact SHIELD* and summons John Fury, his Space Howlin’ Commandos and his Fake Eyepatch. Seriously, dude has two fuctioning eyes and a transparent eyepatch. I do not care for John Fury.

OBVIOUSLY.
OBVIOUSLY.

During the battle, Fury is astrally kidnapped and meets the Whisperer, much as Doctor Doom did last week. The Whisperer informs Fury of how to halt the Avengers’ hynosis with sonic weapons. Also yelling really loud. It works on the Avengers but the Guardians need a little bit more of a beating and also for Fury to play around with his gun some. Eventually everything is back to normal and the heroes stop hitting each other for a few minutes. Unfortunately, they’re just in time for Korvac to appear on the tv and announce that he’s killed the Vision. Tachyon Torch shows his failure to grasp how computers work by attacking the monitor. Smart boy, our Tachyon Torch.

The Torch defeats Korvac in much the same way Elvis "defeated" that television.
The Torch defeats Korvac in much the same way Elvis “defeated” that television.

Korvac attacks with stupid robots but it’s okay because Irondroid has plugged himself into Korvac and begun hacking him. He pretty easily defeats the scary computer man, but it turns out that Vision is dead after all so I guess mankind has to forge its own destiny or whatever again. Good work, Cosmic Avengers. Please never appear again!

 

*Strategic Headquarters International Espionage Logistics Decades into the future.