What If Daredevil Shot A Giant Baby?

Back in the day, Frank “Whores Galore” Miller ended his legendary run on Daredevil with ‘Born Again’, the story of Matt Murdock’s fall and rise. The book starts with Matt’s former secretary Karen Page addicted to heroin and a porn star (Star may be overstating it.). In exchange for a fix, she sells Daredevil’s secret identity. This eventually makes its way back to Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin of Crime, who uses it to methodically destroy Murdock’s life. In the original reality, having everything stripped from him, Matt eventually pays a visit to the Kingpin where he gets the everloving shit kicked out of him. Then Fisk dumps his body in a van, sets it on fire, covers it in cement, dunks the cement in acid and tosses it in the river. So when Matt turns out to be alive, it’s kind of a surprise.

The 'Malibu Kingpin' action figure was no one's favourite.
The ‘Malibu Kingpin’ action figure was no one’s favourite.

In this reality, Matt arrives at Fisk Tower in a state of utter confusion. His life is in the shitter and he’s genuinely trying to convince himself that killing Fisk is a good idea. I mean, it probably is but Daredevil’s not the murder vigilante, that’s the Punisher. And we’re still like ten pages from a Punisher appearance.

Matt easily walks through Fisk’s security. The Kingpin’s been waiting for this moment and can’t wait to finally crush Daredevil with his bear hands (borrowed from third rate supervillain the Grizzly.) Unfortunately, Matt was able to pickpocket one of Fisk’s guards, stealing a gun. And like eight dollars and a picture of the guard’s kids but that isn’t important. Matt barely hesitates before blowing the Kingpin away.

I promised myself I wasn't going to ask where the Kingpin's dick is. But seriously, where is it?
I promised myself I wasn’t going to ask where the Kingpin’s dick is. But seriously, where is it?

Looking at this picture now, I find it hard to believe one bullet would kill a guy this size but I have no trouble swallowing a guy trapped in a giant rhino costume. The Marvel Universe is a fascinating place.

Still completely off the deep end, but holding onto his grasp of law, Matt heads for the police station to turn himself in. Alas, the place is a little busy from the giant gang war that’s erupted since the Kingpin’s death ten minutes ago. Even more alas, Matt believes himself to be confessing to a police lieutenant but it’s actually just a random wino. Listen, I get that it’s a mental problem that’s making Matt hallucinate a cop instead of this bum but this feels like a really obvious blind joke. So let’s just move on.

See, it's not a blind joke! It's a mental health joke. That's... better?
See, it’s not a blind joke! It’s a mental health joke. That’s… better?

All of New York is a-buzzin’ about Matt murdering the Kingpin. The story reaches Ben Urich and Peter Parker at the Daily Bugle. They both go out looking to help Matt but Ben’s a middle aged reporter and therefore uninteresting and so he no longer features in the story.

Poor Ben Urich. At least you're no longer Joey Pants.
Poor Ben Urich. At least you’re no longer Joey Pants.

Also surprised by the Kingpin’s death is mob boss and “Ski Mask Of The Month” subscriber The Rose aka Richard “I’m secretly the Kingpin’s son” Fisk. Fisk’s been attempting to take down his old man for a couple years now, most recently with the help of the Hobgoblin, but when word of the Kingpin’s death comes down, Richard refuses to make his move. This pisses the Hobgoblin off because he was really looking forward to using this as an excuse to commit some crimes. This is how the Hobgoblin mourns a fallen friend.

Back in Crazytown, Matt’s on the run from an army of demons working for the Kingpin who apparently want to ass-fork him to death. The fact that these guys are actually NYPD officers doesn’t help very much. Matt escapes into an alley only to run into his newest number one fan, the Punisher. Punisher’s just about to start on his third round of “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” when he realizes that something isn’t quite right about Matt. Possibly the fact that he’s begging the Punisher to kill him. Punisher refuses to do that but he tells Matt that he can get Matt some psychiatric help. Since this is the Punisher, this is an obvious lie. Frank Castle would not know good mental help if it chopped him up with claws and then brought him back to life as a Frankenstein monster.

Frank Castle: Picture of mental health.
Frank Castle: Picture of sanity.

At this point, Spider-Man shows up and there’s the mandatory fight scene as Frank and Peter try to stop Matt. Unfortunately for them, it’s Matt’s story this month so he escapes but not before hallucinating that Peter is a giant Spider-Monster trying to help him.

He just seems so polite. It's adorable.
He just seems so polite. It’s adorable.

Back at the Rose’s apartment, Richard Fisk has learned that his mother Vanessa, who has been living in Europe while she works on her own craziness, has been murdered. Blaming Matt, Richard’s about to head out to find the guy when Matt arrives to meet him. Matt comes clean about everything. The enhanced senses, the feud with Kingpin, the destruction of his life, the mountain of dead girlfriends. At the end of the story, he tells Richard that Richard can kill him or forgive him. Whichever it is, Matt will abide by. Unfortunately, this is exactly when the Hobgoblin bursts in to ruin everything because the Hobgoblin is just a bad person.

This guy's a dick.
This guy’s a dick.

Another fight ensues, wherein we learn at a fine oak coffee table can withstand at least eight shots fired from a laser glove. Hobgoblin tosses one of his pumpkin bombs (trademark Norman Osborn) but Matt returns it, attaching it to Hobby’s glider. Then he holds the Goblin onto the glider until the bomb goes off, killing them both and sacrificing himself to save the life of a mob boss.

A few weeks later, Daredevil’s back on the street beating the hell out of criminals in Hell’s Kitchen. But it’s not some horribly reanimated Matt Murdock corpse! That’s an entirely different What If! It’s Richard Fisk, armed with a helmet to replicate Matt’s senses and wearing Daredevil’s old costume so that the hero’s name lives on. I give him three days before Bullseye murders him with some thumb tacks.

Yes, with three simple payments, you too can be the blind hero of Hell's Kitchen! Order now!
Yes, with three simple payments, you too can be the blind hero of Hell’s Kitchen! Order now!

 

Emerald City Comic Con

I’ll be attending Emerald City Comic Con in Seattle for all three days. I’ll be at the AAlgar Productions table at FF-03 with my Sarcastic Voyage and Post Atomic Horror Podscasts co-host Ron “AAlgar” Watt. Come by and let me know people actually read this!

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You can also see me, AAl and the extremely talented Sarcastic Voyage Unpaid Voice Acting Players doing a live performance of sketches Friday evening at 4:30 in Hall D.

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What If Wolverine Created A New Universe?

Well, sir, the phrase “completely bat shit fucking loco” gets thrown around a lot these days. Since I started writing FTI almost a year ago, I’ve seen some weird fucking shit. The Marvel Bullpen becoming the Fantastic Four springs to mind, as does Korvac, naked as a jaybird, sitting atop the Earth like the Universe’s biggest yoga ball. I’ve seen the Thing grow green and scabby, I’ve seen the Human Torch burn down an underwater city. I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain and none of them were as weird as this motherfucker.

So this story takes place during the Evolutionary War which was a Marvel Annual crossover that I actually had to look up despite having read issues of it as I was recently working my way through Essentials X-Men and X-Factor. What it basically breaks down to is that the High Evolutionary, one of the greatest geneticists on the planet and owner of a solid steel mohawk, has developed his own “Genetic Bomb.” He plans to set it off, evolving everyone on earth to a higher plane of existence. In the original crossover, he was foiled by Hercules and a really lame line-up of Avengers. We’ve got the Captain (That’s Captain America AKA Steve Rogers except he’s just the Captain now because he’s mad at America, I guess.), Yellowjacket (Not that one, another one.), the Falcon and the Beast (Who SHOULD be over in X-Factor but whatever.).

Those are some stirring last words, Beast. You will be missed.
Those are some stirring last words, Beast. You will be missed.

So, in this new reality, everything goes goddamn wrong. The Avengers escape from the High Evolutionary’s submarine but they’re all killed except Cap, who just happens to run into Namor. Which makes perfect sense because it’s not like the ocean is really big or anything. Namor’s about to roll into his usual “I’m the king of the sea and also the king of mostly naked jerks” rant when the Genetic Bomb detonates, sending weird green sparkle flecks down on… well, basically everything on Earth.

Cap and Namor return to shore where they are quickly joined by the West Coast Avengers and the Australian era X-Men. Just as everyone launches into akward standing around wondering what to do mode, the crowd notices a change in Wolverine as his adamantium claws grow longer. Wolverine also mentions that they no longer appear to be cutting through his knuckles. So I honestly have no idea how they’re leaving his arms. Maybe some sort of highly evolved portal system within his arms. At this point, anything is possible.

Evolution definitely affects giant metal claws. This is called science.
Evolution definitely affects giant metal claws. This is called science.

One of the random strangers in the gathering crowd starts getting anti-mutant racist so it’s probably some kind of ironic when all of his hair falls out and his head swells. It soon become clear that this is happening to every normal human on earth as Cap’s head expands through his mask. As the human’s brains overdevelop, they all instantly realize that there’s no reason to hate mutants and super-people. What we should be doing is WORSHIPPING THEM. Which sounds MUCH BETTER.

Congratulations, you found a way to make Wonder Man even worse.
Congratulations, you found a way to make Wonder Man even worse.

That week, all the super people on earth who have now had their powers augmented to near godhood arrive at Madison Square Garden to discuss Earth’s fate. And also to play hockey. After a quick vote, the Marvel characters nominate Wolverine as their leader as he is obviously the most suited to lead an army of infinte power. I mean, who better than the short hairy asshole from Alberta who loves murder?

Anyone wants to send in pictures of Prom Queen Wolverine, I am happy to receive them.
Anyone wants to send in pictures of Prom Queen Wolverine, I am happy to receive them.

Wolverine heads out to the waiting crowd of super evolved humans and tells them “There’s no place for us here with you. We, who are so close to Gods, will fly into the heavens on an eternal quest, the outcome of which we do not know… bub.” And with that, the super evolved heroes fly into space like so much Poochie.

I'm worried this story is taking a turn for the goofy.
I’m worried this story is taking a turn for the goofy.

From a nearby building, the High Evolutionary and Thor watch. Thor asks the the High E if he plans to dominate the people of Earth. “Nah.” The Evolutionary replies. “I mean, I thought about it. But these guy seem to know what they’re on about. I think I’ll just watch and see how this all plays out.” He then ackwardly shuffles his feet and goes “Listen, Thor. I’m real sorry I straight up murdered Hercules. I thought it was the right thing to do.” “So, I’m sure, did Hitler.” says Thor as he flies away. In related news, Thor does not know how to argue.

Sensing that a giant chunk of super people have fled the planet, Earth is instantly attacked by its extranormal magical threats like Dormammu, Mephisto and Nightmare. Luckily, the giant heads of Doctors Strange and Druid have been left behind and the only thing that makes magic more powerful is excess forehead sweat I mean brains, excess brains.

Meanwhile, the Godlike Superheroes led by Wolverine swing by the moon to pick up the Inhumans and then the Eternals. They quickly meet up with a combined fleet of Shi’ar, Kree and Skrull ships because if What If has taught me anything, it’s that when a God appears on Earth, you can count on the assholes of the universe to wave laser guns at it. Unfortunately, Wolverine and his God Rangers have no time for alien politics and wipe the armies out with a thought. Well, that’s not… too worrying, is it?

Behold Frankenskrull.
Behold Frankenskrull.

Years pass on Earth, as the first wave of super intelligent heroes pass away. Cap, the Punisher, Hawkeye. Eventually Daredevil, who had fled from humanity because his senses were reading TOO MUCH, returns because he is now a psychic who needs none of his senses. He teams up to hang out with his new buddy, the Vision because, as Futurama taught us time and again, robots don’t get to ascend to Heaven. Even if their wives do.

whatif4907
You can probably just call him Captain America. I doubt his run as the Captain is going to be very memorable. It’s not like you inscribed AKA Cap Wolf on the tombstone.

 

Back in space, the God Squad makes short messy work of Frankie Raye AKA Nova, the Herald of Galactus. Which sucks because she actually seemed like a pretty nice girl who the Human Torch used to date, but whatever I guess this glowing cloud of assholes knows what the fuck its doing. They also boot the Silver Surfer into another dimension where he’ll be free and happy. So you guys DO have an alternative to killing. I’m sure that’ll make the smear that used to be Frankie happy. Next they murder the shit out of Galactus which is a bit of a surprise considering the Fantastic Four defended Galactus’ life in court like three years ago. But I GUESS YOU GUYS KNOW BEST *SHRUG*

No, none of this is worrying at all.
No, none of this is worrying at all.

As the “They Might Be Giants” song tells us, time keeps marching on. We return again to Earth where the Vision is the last of the super heroes left. Everyone on Earth is a creepy psychic space baby, hands joined like a 70s coke commerical. Vision decides it might be time to bail on this weird story, overheats himself with solar radiation and disappers in a puff of robotic sadness.

This is also the universe in which Teletubbies was set. Lala was actually Nick Fury!
This is also the universe in which Teletubbies was set. Lala was actually Nick Fury!

The God Squad eventually arrives at the edge of the universe where they quickly meet the embodiment of Death (An enormous cloaked skeleton, not a cute goth chick alas.) and Eternity (who has appeared in FTI before, represents the entire universe and apparently lives inside himself.) Death attacks first but the God Squad easily overpowers her, joining her power with their own. The two combined powers then attack Eternity.

whatif4910
At no point does the ol canknuckle head think that maybe destroying the universe is a bad idea.

 

On Earth, which now resembles the open field in which Robin Williams once plugged the movie “Toys”, the remaining super evolved humans… mostly sit around. Then a bunch of Celestials appear in the sky. The Celestials, if you’ve been skipping those “History of the Marvel Universe” stories because you think the Eternals are boring like I do, basically seeded intelligent life on Earth and other planets throughout the universe. They’re big awesome space robots and it’s usually kind of a to-do if they arrive. In this case, they’re here to finally end life on Earth as their experiment is at an end. Unfortuantely, they didn’t count on all this evolution that’s been happening since they left. The humans use their combined psychic powers to disintigrate one of the Celestials, freaking the rest out enough that they leave the planet. That small thing done, the remaining humans actually merge with the Earth turning it into a living planet. Sort of like Ego but without the awesome beard so what is even the point?

That one naked baby monster is freaking me out, man.
That one naked baby monster is freaking me out, man.

Meanwhile, at the edge of the universe, the God Squad has successfully merged with Eternity becoming the living embodiment of everything. The High Evolutionary appears, saying how his plan to jumpstart evolution has been an incredible success and now he (The High Evolutionary) is ready to join with this giant mess of Eternity/Death/Wolverine and a bunch of his friends that is now calling itself the Entity because it doesn’t need business cards the size of office blocks. Unfortunately for High E, the Entity gives him the cold shoulder. “Nah,” the Universe says. “We appreciate the boost but we don’t really need you. Uh, do us a favor, head back to earth and wait. We’ll, uh… we’ll call you.”

With that, the Entity opens a hole in reality and steps through, leaving this universe behind. With no Death or Eternity, the universe falls into a sort of decline. Life continues but there’s no spark and no death and so the High Evolutionary waits on Earth until a universal cycle eventually begins again.

For people who say big company crossovers don't change anything.
For people who say big company crossovers don’t change anything.

In the new reality, the Entity splits back into Death and Eternity and absorbs the super heroes. It then uses its power to jumpstart an entirely new universe which may or may not be our own which is definitely a creation myth I can get behind. “And Wolverine said… let there be light, bub. And he lit a cigar.”

 

What If Radioactive Man Wasn’t?

This week, we explore the wonderful, murderous origins of Tony Stark, the cool exec with the heart of steel. As we have no doubt discussed before, and if not there was a whole damn movie made about it, Tony builds weapons for the government. While visiting… apparently China although I could swear it used to be Vietnam, Tony is exploded in this amazing panel.

WHOOO!
WHOOO!

Stark regains conciousness back at Evil China HQ with shrapnel on its way into his heart and is forced to work for the villanous and pouch covered Wong Chu (Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar.). Chu sets Tony up with a lab and an assistant and tells him to get cracking building some sort of pro-communist weapon. Instead Stark and his assistant build the original Iron Man armor and luckily for them, Chu doesn’t notice. (“That sure looks like a glove that shoots beams out of it.” “This? Nah. It’s a… bomb. Shaped like a hand. Hand bomb. Super big in the West.” “Ahh, of course. Carry on.) As the Iron Man armor is finally activating, Chu busts in. In our reality, Tony’s assistant sacrifices himself, giving Tony the extra minutes he needs to turn on the armor but here, Chu arrives a little too early, leaving Tony stuck on the table like a… plate. That’s been nailed to a table. Look, similes are hard.

whatif4802
“You’re dirty, Lips. Ya need a bath.” “No, no! Not the bath, Big Boy! NOT THE BATH!”

After some brief torture, Tony’s shipped to Even More Evil China HQ at the request of Chen Lu (Better known in our reality as Radioactive Man seen here with his eyes safely protected by goggles.).

Chen tortures Tony a bit more because it’s become a very popular passtime in China and then ships him back to the states with a “little” communicator (It’s only coaster sized.) wired into his brain. Chen’s plan is to use the billionare industrialist as a spy and possible assassin. Tony protests of course. For one thing, nobody is paying him. Also he keeps getting tortured for some reason. But Chen activates a device in Tony’s chest plate that deactivates it, forcing the shrapnel closer to his achey breaky heart. Eventually, Tony comes around and gets sent home. After some additional farewell torture.

whatif4803
Apparently Spider-Man creator Steve Ditko did the breakdowns on this. But like… this is some bad fuck-off art.

Back in the States, Tony premiers Iron Man for everyone to see. Of course, he doesn’t tell anyone that he’s the guy in the suit. This was set back in the sixties when everyone had a secret identity, not just Spider-Man. Anyway, Iron Man is welcomed into the brotherhood of superheroes with open arms and Tony spends the next few months doing hero crap and eating Burger King. Problems arise when a pre-eye patch Nick Fury drops by. Fury has this crazy idea that Iron Man’s working for the Chinese, possibly because he read the cover of this comic. Unfortunately, he can’t actually prove it because he has literally no proof. So he mostly just yells and gets angry.

Nick Fury looks good as hell in a thin tie.
Nick Fury looks good as hell in a thin tie.

Soon after, Tony is contacted by some military dude. The government has been working closely with Stark on the formation of SHIELD* and they drop off their recommendation for its first director, Fury. Chen sees this and passes the information on to Hydra who try and assassinate Nick at the eye doctor. (Did you know Nick Fury only wears the eye patch to keep his vision from getting worse? This is the worst trading card fact ever!)

This is the worst origin for Fury's eye patch ever.
This is the worst origin for Fury’s eye patch ever.

Meanwhile, Chen begins observing strange changes in Stark. He’s taken to meditating and touching his belt a lot. “Well,” thinks Chen. “That’s weird but however this dude wants to handle my forcing him to be a traitor to his country is fine by me.” This lax attitude towards meditation will once again be Chen Lu’s undoing.

"Listen, just because you're my exact double doesn't mean you can waste my time."
“Listen, just because you’re my exact double doesn’t mean you can waste my time.”

Fury drops by the Fantastic Four’s appartment to let them in on the fact that Iron Man might still be up to something so a poorly drawn Ben and Johnny swing by Stark Industries where they get into one of their hilarious fights. And then secretly bug the place. They quickly learn that Tony is indeed working for the bad guys and Sue Storm invisibly informs Fury. Unfortunately, Chen has also bugged Fury because espionage is complicated. He sends Iron Man to kill Mr Fantastic at the  Baxter Building because throwing away your top secret super hero spy on a hit mission is a great fucking idea.

Could this be the worst drawing of the Thing I have ever seen? No, because I have attempted to draw the Thing.
Could this be the worst drawing of the Thing I have ever seen? No, because I have attempted to draw the Thing.

Iron Man arrives at the Baxter Building, easily disabling the security. Luckily for him, Reed knows he’s coming and has sent the rest of the four to see a movie. It’s that version of Terminator 2 with Sylvester Stallone from the Last Action Hero because alternate realities are weird. Tony and Reed fight some before Tony escapes, leaving a tape behind for Reed to find. Reed plays it and discovers that it’s a super slowed down message from Tony. Turns out Tony’s meditation has actually been extremely slowed down words begging for help. Reed realizes that Tony’s not actually a traitor, just a prisoner and lures him into some super magnetized room that shuts down his armor.

What the fuck is actually happening here?
What the fuck is actually happening here?

Tony lives but he’s completely paralyzed for some reason. Meanwhile, Reed loads the Iron Man armor with TNT and fires it at China, blowing Chen Lu up. Yeah, seriously.

And that's how America won the war.
And that’s how America won the war.

 

 

*Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus

 

What If I REVIEWED EVERY FUCKING ISSUE OF WHAT IF VOLUME ONE, MOTHERFUCKERS! Also Thor dies or something.

 

So Loki’s a real motherfucker, ain’t he? And we’re talking Classic Loki. Ugly Loki. Probably Talks Like The Monarch Loki. We join our story of Thor way back at the big guy’s origin. Yes, the ancient norse myth. Actually, screw that. Let’s start with Loki stuck in a tree because he tricked Odin into stamping on a flaming bag of dog poop or something. Fucking mischief god. Anyway, Tree Loki’s hanging out in the woods of Asgard making sap and giving bees a place to live when along comes Neri and her Vulcan harp. She sits beneath Loki’s branches and plays a song mourning the loss of Thor (Another victim of Odin’s weird punishments. This guy is the George Bluth of the Norse pantheon.) who was banished to Earth. For some reason. Anyway, Neri starts jamming for Heimdall, the guardian of the Bridge to Asgard, Tree Loki uses all his treely influence and dumps a leaf in Heimdall’s eye, allowing Heimdall to shed a single tear. Which frees Loki. Luckily, after these other two idiots leave.

BEHOLD, LADIES. HE'S 100 PERCENT PURE SEX.
BEHOLD, LADIES. HE’S 100 PERCENT PURE SEX.

So, de-oaked at last, Loki goes about his plan to raise hell and ruin shit for everybody and he is absolutely delighted to learn that, in this reality, Thor is still on Earth, his soul imprisoned in the body of boring medical doctor Donald Blake. Loki sees that Blake is planning a  trip to Norway to celebrate his love of Norway and that he will soon stumble upon his ancient hammer Mjolnir, currently in the form of a stick. Apparently the Norse gods are big into hiding shit as wood.

Loki's ability to hurl a stick has yet to be featured in a Marvel movie.
Loki’s ability to hurl a stick has yet to be featured in a Marvel movie.

As Donald Blake explores the legendary fjords of Norway, he encounters (of course) an invasion of Rock Men from Saturn. Because when you are planning domination of Earth, Norway is definitely the place to start. Blake escapes, hiding in the cave where he should have found his nice new hammer, but unfortunately Loki has arrived first and tossed the magic stick into the woods, attracting the attention of many Norse dogs. With no magic stick to release his inner godhood, Blake has a bit of a tough time fighting the Saturn Men who take turns beating him to death.

whatif4703
So much for good fighting.

 

Back in Asgard, Odin receives word of his dead son from his pet crows Phobos and Rick. After a brief period of intense mourning and thirty seconds of vaporizing Saturn Men (Take THAT, dangling plot thread.) he decides exactly what he must do: travel to the Land of the Dead and beg Hela for his son back. Because if you want somebody alive again, you just need to go and ask. If more people had know this, Pet Semetary would have been three hundred pages shorter and three hundred pages less depressing. While that’s all happening, Balder the Brave and the Warriors Three stay behind because the plot demands it. It honestly seems weird to me that they don’t travel with Odin to provide back up. And snacks in Volstagg’s case.

Odin and a small entourage of personal friends and well-wishers arrive in the Land of the Dead and there meet with Hela, she of the giant pointed fucking hat. And every one is super shocked that she’s not interested in freeing Thor from death. “Listen,” cries Odin in the faux-Shakespearean speech that I found so insufferable when I read Thor comics as a kid. “Thor’s an immortal. That means we don’t die. So just bring him back.” “Hey,” Hela replies. “Normally that’d be true but SOME IDIOT decided to make him mortal so he’d learn a lesson about not letting the milk expire or something. Either way, he is DEFINITELY dead and you can’t have him back.” This, of course, results in terrible war.

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT HAT. THANK GOD HEL CONTAINS NO NARROW DOORS.
LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT HAT. THANK GOD HEL CONTAINS NO NARROW DOORS.

Meanwhile,Thor wanders around happily and gets in a fight in a meadow. Truly this is Heaven!

In Asgard, Baldur desperately seeks a way to contact Dead Thor. After an attempt with the Warriors Three to master the secrets of the Ouija Board, Baldur decides it would just be easier to kill himself. Now, at this point, it’s important to tell everyone out there: Suicide is never the answer. Unless the question is “How do I talk to Thor?” In which case you should definitely allow Loki to stab you in the chest with a spear made from mistletoe. Which Baldur does, jumpstarting Ragnarok. Nice one, Baldur.

Baldur's assassin: Clayface III.
Baldur’s assassin: Clayface III.

Over at the big “War With Death”, Odin received word via crow that Baldur is dead and Loki’s marching on Asgard with an army of trolls, giants, half-orcs, whole orcs, moblins, octoroks, wizzrobes, wall masters, skeltoses, and uh… those knight guys… Darknuts? That can’t be right.

Huh. Darknuts it is. Fine. Anyway, Loki attacks Asgard which he can absolutely do because Heimdall and the Warriors Three are off in the forests of Norway trying to locate Mjolnir. They manage to locate the missing hammer but did not count on Loki hiding it under a giant dragon’s ass. They quickly slay the dragon, taking that once proud species one step closer to extinction.

Heimdall can identify any magic stick by smell.
Heimdall can identify any magic stick by smell.

In Heaven, Baldur and Thor reunite. “Thor!” Baldur says. “You must come quickly. Your father wages war with death, Loki marches on Asgard and your hammer is missing.”  “This bodes ill.” Thor replies. “Quickly, we must leave this realm of the dead. What vehicle brought you here and how shall we return?” “…Fuck.” Says Baldur, realizing that his big plan to get killed might not have been his best idea. Luckily, they fall back on Odin’s plan of beating the shit out of everybody until their problems go away.

Suddenly, Lady Sif appears (Yeah, turns out she’s in this story. I KNOW, I was surprised too!) and tells Thor that she has come to take his place in Heaven, so Thor can prevent Ragnarok. Hela is strangely fine with this. “Whatever, I get everyone eventually.”

As Thor and Baldur fade from sight, the thunder god bids his one-time love a final adieu. “Thanks for showing up just long enough to die so I can save the day!” He calls.

Anyway, Thor returns to Asgard, beats the everloving shit out of Loki and prevents the apocalypse. Nice work, guy. He finally turns his attention to Odin. “Father,” he says. “Sif gave her life so that I might return from the dead. But how come I got Baldur too? What is he, like a freebie?” “Look up, my son.” booms Odin, as he reveals the brand new eye patch covering the eye he had to sacrifice to Hela.

"BEHOLD THE SHOULDER PADS I FORGED IN LIFE, SCROOGE. AND YOUR OWN PADS ARE TEN TIMES THIS SIZE!"
“BEHOLD THE SHOULDER PADS I FORGED IN LIFE, SCROOGE. AND YOUR OWN PADS ARE TEN TIMES THIS SIZE!”

Meanwhile in Heaven, Lady Sif can be heard to remark “So I’m worth one fucking eyeball from some old man? That is pure one hundred percent BULLSHIT.”