So, once upon a time, a blonde thunder god named Thor fell in love with a nurse named Jane Foster. They dated for a while and finally Thor asked his asshole dad, Odin, for permission to marry Jane. Odin said that was fine and Jane acended up to Asgard where Odin made her a goddess with a stupid hat. Asgard runs on similar rules to Agraba apparently.
So Jane took her new God powers for a spin and almost crashed into a building because she had no faith in the powers Odin gave her. Sweetie, meeting GOD is exactly the sort of thing that should instil you with MORE faith. Or really, any pantheon in the Marvel Universe. They all exist! Unless you’re Christian, I guess. Then you are shit out of luck.
If you haven’t been paying attention to every issue of Thor ever published, Odin is a well-known enourmous douchebag, and he takes Jane’s lack of faith as a personal insult because OF COURSE HE DOES. Now, let’s see… what’s a reasonable course of action to take for your son’s fiancee disappointing you? How about locking her in a closet with a fear demon? Brilliant! It’ll be a fun story to tell the kids someday.
Unfortunately for true love, Jane fails miserably because unfortunately Jane kinds of sucks. Man, I miss Thordis. You guys remember Thordis? Odin gives Jane the boot because she’s a disappointment, like everything else Thor has ever done, but he gets her a sweet job back on Earth because I guess Odin has hiring/firing authority in Earth hospitals? Meanwhile, Thor starts dating Lady Sif because women are basically interchangable.
That’s how it happened in our reality but gaze with me, mortals. Gaze with me and a Watcher who looks like he was played by Alfred Hitchcock into a world where Thor decides to turn this already bizarre little argument into a FULL-ON CIVIL WAR IN ASGARD. As Odin’s about to literally cast Jane out of paradise, Thor speaks up saying how it isn’t fair, Dad. Why can’t you ever just get along with one of my girlfriends JEEZ, I wish I was never born. Only with a lot more ‘thees’ and ‘thous’. Odin invokes the “If you’re under my roof, you’ll do what I say” rule and throws Thor’s stuff on the lawn. Then he banishes the two love birds to Earth. He may take Jane’s powers back or he may not. I have no idea because Jane is basically out of the story now.
Thor goes to the Avengers to ask them for help killing his dad. He tells them Odin’s been possessed by evil or something which is an outright lie but anything for love, I guess. All of the Avengers join in except for Quicksilver because… well, because Quicksilver sucks.
Back in Asgard, Odin meets with his vizier. In any other piece of literature ever in history, this would be bad news because there has never once been a trustworthy vizier. This guy’s alright, however. He tries to convince Odin that maybe trying to kill his son over some girl isn’t exactly the best course of action but Odin has more sensible plans like putting Loki in charge of his army. “For against one son, what better weapon then another son?” Odin clearly learned about parenting from watching “Arrested Development.”
The Avengers have also arrived in Asgard where they travel to Thor’s house and meet with the vizier who has left Odin’s camp for Thor’s. Huh. I guess you CAN’T trust this vizier after all. While Thor has himself a little army of Asgardians who support him and his love for Jane, the vizier advises that Thor let the Avengers do most of the fighting. So that the people least involved in this stupid war will take the most casualties. Thor agrees and the two level the Avengers up so they will be powerful enough to battle gods. Captain America, for example, is given a magical sword. And Goliath is given the ability to become slightly taller than usual.
The war finally begins and we get a pretty bitchin’ splash page of the Avengers going to town on some Asgardian fools. And, as far away from awesome things as possible, Jane cries and gets a stern lecture from Heimdall. This is getting embarrassing.
Iron Man decides this whole war thing is moronic (He’s right.) and compares it to his time in Vietnam (He’s probably less right about that.). Then he fucks off to Odin’s palace to convince the enourmous beardo that possibly killing hundreds of your own subjects over your son’s girlfriend is maybe a stupid idea. Odin agrees and sends Iron Man back to Thor with a message of peace. Unfortunately at this point, General Loki shows up and stabs Iron Man in the fucking head. To death. Gee, maybe putting your GOD OF EVIL son in charge of YOUR FUCKING ARMY wasn’t such a hot idea, Odin. Who could have possibly seen this coming?
Speaking of said god of evil, Loki sends one of his henchmen to do some sinister whispering in Odin’s ear. He convinces Odin to let Balder the Brave lead Odin’s army instead of Loki. Because, look, Loki’s done a great job of killing your son’s friend but… I mean, he’s also kind of a shit, right? Father of the Year Odin decides NOT to give his new favourite son the chance to prove himself finally and sends Balder to lead the army. While he does that, Loki’s henchman uses a magic glove to suck out Odin’s Odinpower and send it to Loki. Thus shall Loki steal Odin’s power, defeat Thor and conquer Asgard at long last! Or he would if the Wasp didn’t murder him with a wasp sting to the brain. Whoops.
Now Thor is REALLY pissed. He drags Iron Man’s corpse to Odin’s castle, ready to finally kill the old man. And with Odin’s power sucked out by Loki, he might actually do it. Odin pulls his last trump card, the Oversword, which will basically destroy Asgard. Also it is literally a giant sword.
The vizier enters at this point and tells everyone to calm the fuck down, this is idiotic. Thor and Odin finally hash it out and Odin reveals that he was really just jealous of Thor’s new girlfriend. Well, that justifies a fucking war, doesn’t it? Some good DOES finally come out of all this though, as Thor finally moves out of his dad’s basement.