Know, O Prince, that between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities and the years of the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of… about which I know very little due to never having read any Marvel Conan comics.
So this week we, and the fattest Watcher I’ve seen in a What If comic travel back in time to the Hyperboria Age where we find Conan entering some city so he can get laid and maybe join an adventuring party in a nearby tavern. He gets about as far as the tavern when a local wench slips him a mickey and wraps him in a rug. If only he hadn’t dressed so provocatively in… nothing.
So the wench takes Conan to a nearby pyramid (the Hyperboria Age was lousy with them.) where he encounters a ridiculous sorceror with a funnel on his head. The sorcerer, whose name like everything else in this stupid fantasy setting is completely unpronouncable, shows Conan and the Wench his magic well. Apparently, this guy found a well that sends stuff through time. He puts something in and something cool comes out. We aren’t shown any actual examples but trust Funnel Head on this one.
So Funnel Head pops Conan in the well’s bucket, and also the wench while he’s at it because fuck it, why not? Who knows what cool time stuff I’ll get from a hairless naked guy and some lady? Probably… like… future money or something.
So down goes Conan and wench. Luckily, the mysterious well energies begin to rot the ropes that Conan is tied up with for some reason. Since nothing else is affected by this, we can assume the well was full of rope-rotting rays. Man, magic is stupid. Conan is able to save the wench but the rope rotting rays do their thing and Conan drops into the well and into time.
He arrives, Howard the Duck style, in 1970s New York in a world he never made. It is a strange and terrifying land of fired punk rock bands and abusive old ladies who are promptly stuffed in garbage cans. Eventually everyone gets fed up with the giant naked man with the big sword who keeps yelling at people and the police are called.
Conan makes his escape and is saved when he tries to attack a young lady’s taxi cab. Young Dannette takes pity on the big red idiot and stuffs him in the back of her cab and takes him home. This is also how I met my wife.
Meanwhile, all over New York, magic lightening from Conan’s time is striking things and causing a huge power outage all over the city. The people of New York decide to use this as an excuse to get to rioting.
Back at Danni’s appartment, she and Conan are getting their sex on. So far they have spoken maybe one word to each other that either of them understands, but hot couch sex knows no language. Conan is bathing in afterglow when there comes a crash from the furniture store under Danni’s appartment. It’s the Foot Clan, post-beating up Raphael and ready to burn down April’s antique store. Actually, it’s just those fucking rioters from before. Conan goes downstairs and beats the shit out of them. He also tips over a volkswagon beetle. Presumedly, in the traditon of George Mallory, because it was there.
The shop saved from having its rattan furniture stolen, Conan and Danni return upstairs to look at books. Luckily, Danni shows Conan a picture of the Guggenheim Art Museum, which just happens to look a lot like the pyramid that Conan was in before he went on his most excellent adventure through time. Danni drives Conan to the Guggenheim so they can investigate a little. Also the lobby probably has a couple of sex couches.
They arrive at the museum to find the door open. Turns out the place is being robbed because of course it fucking is. Conan tries to go easy on the art thieves until one of them shoots him. And then he brutally murders them all. Like… Jesus.
At this point, the cops show up and Conan beats cheeks to the roof where he waves his sword at the sky like one of the monkies from A Space Oddessy. The cops are about to shoot him down when he’s struck by lightening and transported back to his own time for some reason. This done, he handily defeats Funnel Head and whatever scheme he’s… Oh, excuse me. Actually he completely forgets about whatever Funnel Head was doing and just rides his horse out of town. The End.
So what would happen if Conan walked the Earth today? Looks like he’d beat up a bunch of people, get laid and then leave. Basically what he was doing back home. I… actually, I can kind of respect that.